All The Songs Make Sense
by Caskett1960
Summary: A collection of unrelated one-shots based on different things throughout six seasons of Castle and Beckett. Mostly K and T rated, but there will be an occasional M rated chapter.
1. Chapter 1--For the Love of a Good Cheese

**Disclaimers: 'Castle' is the property of Andrew Marlowe and ABC Studios Productions. No copyright infringement is intended. I merely own the story.**

**Title: All of the Songs Make Sense**

**Summary: A collection of unrelated one-shots based on different things throughout six seasons of Castle and Beckett. Mostly K and T rated, but there will be an occasional M rated chapter.**

**A/N #1: This idea was given to me by my Unmuse Chuck. We're both huge music fanatics. I was adding a playlist for each of us on my phone. Since I write for two different fan fiction universes, he suggested that I write a story for each of these universes based on my playlists. I know most of you won't know the songs that I'm using because my music tastes are mostly 70's and 80's stuff, but believe me, the songs do fit Caskett. I wouldn't be using them if they didn't. If I do this right, it'll be more than 40 chapters. Some will be long, others will be short.**

**A/N #2: This chapter takes place at the end of 'Number One Fan.' I thought it was a good place to start.**

Chapter 1: For Love of a Good Cheeseburger

"_Cheeseburgers. He likes cheeseburgers," Kate told the hostage negotiator._

"_I do love a good cheeseburger," Castle admitted earnestly._

'_Trying to amend my carnivorous habits_

_Made it nearly 70 days_

_Losing weight without speed, eating sunflower seeds_

_Drinking lots of carrot juice and soaking up rays_

_But at night I have these wonderful dreams_

_Some kind of sensuous treat_

_Not zucchini, fettuccine, bulgur wheat_

_But a big, warm bun and a huge hunk of meat'_

_Jimmy Buffett – Cheeseburger in Paradise_

It was after three in the morning. After closing down The Old Haunt, the gang all ended up at Remy's, their favorite 24-hour burger joint. They had all shared many a laugh, not to mention a lot of cheeseburgers, fries, and shakes at Remy's. Castle remembered the night Kate had brought him here after he'd gotten the huge bill for ruining the exhibit at the art museum. He still cringed when he remembered writing that check. He could've sent two other kids to college on what that had cost him.

"I still can't believe that you got shot by your number one fan, bro," Espo reiterated for the fifth time that day.

"If it hadn't been for that doofus, she wouldn't have shot me," Castle argued back. "I took donuts in and he actually had the audacity to ask me if they were gluten free. Seriously, dude? They were donuts! You either eat them or you don't. I'm not a dietician."

"Besides," Kate wrapped her arm around Castle's bicep and squeezed, "she wasn't his number one fan. I am."

"Beckett, are you drunk?" Ryan asked her.

"A little," she buried her face against Castle's shoulder as she began a fit of uncontrollable giggling.

"A little?" Espo looked at Castle with a raised eyebrow. "You'd better get her some food, bro."

The waitress came over to the table to take their order. The boys, Jenny, and Lanie placed their order. She then turned her attention to Kate and Castle. "Kate?" Castle nudged her.

"I want a cheeseburger, no onions, curly fries, and a strawberry shake," Kate looked at the waitress. She never even looked at the menu anymore. She'd been ordering the same thing for as long as she could remember.

"I still can't believe that you order a cheeseburger without onions. I'm telling you that you're disrespecting Jimmy Buffett. I'll have the same thing as she's having, but put onions on the cheeseburger."

"Fine, Castle, but I'm not kissing you later," she warned him.

"Yes, you will," he grinned.

"So, what's the joke regarding cheeseburgers?" Jenny Ryan asked.

"Safe word," Kate mumbled, putting her head on her folded arms on the table.

"How much did she have to drink?" Lanie asked. "I don't remember her being this drunk when we left the bar."

"Oh, you weren't in the Ferrari with her," Castle looked at Kate's best friend.

"As for how much she had to drink, ask Espo," Ryan nodded toward his partner.

"Javi?"

"Let's just say she was fine until that last shot."

"And, just what was in that last shot?" Lanie crossed her arms, glaring at her sometime boyfriend.

"I forget everything that was in it, but it cost 40 bucks," Espo looked at Lanie and waited for the explosion.

"You bought her a 40 dollar shot?"

"Don't get mad at Javi," Kate slurred. "I didn't have to drink it."

"Except he dared you," Ryan pointed out. "You never turn down a dare, Beckett. And technically, it wasn't a shot. It came out in a tumbler."

"Castle, get her some water now! How is it that you're not drunk, Javi?"

"Chica, I'm former Special Forces. I've drunk worse things than 40 dollar shots."

Castle managed to get a huge glass of water down Kate, making her a little more coherent, but not much. He was hoping food would also help. But he knew that chances were that greasy food would make things worse. He just hoped he could get her home before she got sick.

"So, you were saying something about a safe word?" Jenny smiled at Kate as the waitress brought their food over.

"Uh, yeah. The uh . . . negotiator guy asked Castle for a word that would tell . . . them that uh . . . that he was in trouble," Kate tried to keep her thoughts straight. Esposito was going to pay for ordering her that shot. "He loves cheeseburgers, so we decided that was the word that he would use."

"That's so cute," Jenny giggled.

"Cute? The psycho bitch almost killed him! Excuse me," Kate slid out of the booth and bolted for the ladies room.

"I'll go and check on her," Lanie quickly excused herself as she followed Kate to the restroom.

Castle watched as his girlfriend's best friend followed Kate to the restroom. Neither of them had really talked about what had happened earlier that afternoon. They'd both been so relieved that he was okay except for a huge bruise in the center of his chest. As usual, he'd deflected the situation with humor while Kate hadn't really talked about it, at all. That was just her way.

When Lanie entered the ladies' room, she could hear retching coming from one of the stalls. "Kate, are you okay?"

"Esposito is a dead man," Kate came out of the stall as Lanie handed her some paper towels. "I thought that he was dead, Lanie. When I ran into that office and saw him lying on the floor, I couldn't help thinking 'Not again.' I thought that it was unfair that he'd survive that poisoning only to get shot in the chest weeks later."

"But he's okay, sweetie. I know that you don't want to joke about it, but joking is just Castle's way of dealing with things."

"I remember the first time he showed me that vest, I was so irritated and pissed off at him for buying it. He looked like such a little boy. I never thought that it would ever save his life. I never thought he'd ever be in a situation where he'd need the vest to save him. I'm the cop, not him."

"But, it did save him," Lanie reminded her. "So, are you okay?"

"Yeah, tell them I'll be out in a few minutes."

'_Cheeseburger in Paradise_

_Heaven on earth with an onion slice_

_Not too particular, not too precise_

_It's just a cheeseburger in paradise'_

Castle looked up when Kate returned to the table about 10 minutes later. "Are you okay?" He asked as she looked at him and smiled.

"Have you taken a bite of that, yet?" She nodded toward his cheeseburger.

"Yeah, why?"

"Kiss me anyway," she looked at him with love written all over her face.

"Did you rinse your mouth out?" He asked as she gave him The Look. He then captured her lips in a soft kiss.

"You two are just too cute," Jenny told them when they broke apart.

Castle closed his eyes and sighed as he ate the burger. He loved all kinds of foods from comfort food to fine dining in five-star restaurants. But there was nothing better in the world than a good cheeseburger. He'd had some truly great ones in his travels as a best-selling author. It was hard to decide which ones he liked the best.

'_Heard about the old-time sailor men_

_They eat the same thing again and again_

_Warm beer and bread, they say could raise the dead_

_Well, it reminds me of the menu at a Holiday Inn_

_Times have changed for sailors these days_

_When I'm port I get what I need_

_Not just Havana's or bananas or daiquiris_

_But that American creation of which I feed_

_Cheeseburger in paradise_

_Medium rare with mustard is nice_

_Heaven on earth with an onion slice_

_I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise_

_I like mine with lettuce and tomato_

_Heinz 57 and French fried potatoes_

_A big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer_

_Good God almighty, which way do I steer?_

_For my cheeseburger in paradise_

_Making the best of every virtuous bite_

_Worth every bit of sacrifice_

_To get a cheeseburger in paradise_

_To get me a cheeseburger in paradise_

_I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise'_

"Castle, you look like you're in love with that burger," Ryan teased the author.

"I have eaten cheeseburgers all over the world. I've had 200 dollar cheeseburgers and I've eaten 59 cent cheeseburgers. But, these are the best anywhere," he sighed as he took another bite.

"When Beckett and I first became detectives, she was on the search for the ultimate strawberry shake. It became an obsession. I thought at one point I was going to have to stage an intervention. One day we were on lunch break and we walked by and saw the sign in the window advertising shakes. We figured they couldn't be any worse than some of the others we'd had," Espo told the group.

"So, the shakes pulled you in?" Castle looked at her as she looked at Espo and blushed. "What am I missing?"

"Bro, when she took that first drink of her shake, let's just say that I heard sounds coming from Beckett that I _never _want to hear coming from Beckett."

"You're kidding," Ryan and Jenny started laughing as Kate once again buried her face in Castle's shoulder.

They sat around Remy's for another hour laughing and teasing each other, talking about anything but what had happened the day before. The thought that they could've lost a friend/member of their family was a sobering thought. Lanie and Kate began discussing ideas for a baby shower with Jenny, a topic that the boys quickly begged out of.

It was almost 4:30 when Kate and Castle walked into the loft. Well, Castle was walking; Kate was doing more of a stagger. "I'll get you another glass of water and some aspirin," he said, walking into the kitchen.

Kate walked over to where Castle's bullet-proof vest was sitting on the coffee table. A vest that lived up to its name the afternoon before. She picked it up and looked at the perfect hole directly above the 'I' in 'Writer.' Castle had even made a joke about Emma dotting the 'i.' But just a fraction of an inch higher and he wouldn't have been joking.

Rick looked at her from across the counter and knew what she was thinking. It was written all over her face. The same thoughts had been running through his head, but he was afraid to voice them out loud. Voicing them out loud made them real. "Here you go, two aspirins for the detective," he walked over and handed her the water and aspirin tablets.

"Thank you, Rick," she took the items and downed the aspirin. "I'll get you an official police vest. I can order it for you tomorrow."

"I liked my 'Writer' vest. It reminds me of when you didn't like me," he pouted.

"I always liked you, Castle. You just used to annoy me," she took his hand.

"So, I don't annoy you, anymore?"

"No, you still annoy me, but in a nice way," she smiled as he moved close to kiss her. "Like right now. You need to brush your teeth and use mouthwash. I hate raw onions!"

"Okay," he pulled back from her. "Are we going to talk about it?" He asked, referring to the ruined vest.

"Not tonight. If I talk about it tonight, I'll start crying and never stop. It'll just ruin my buzz."

"I'm okay, Kate," he cupped the side of her face.

"I know. Go brush your teeth and meet me in bed. I have a feeling you'll probably be holding my hair back later."

"How romantic," he quipped as he got up and followed her toward their bedroom.

After brushing his teeth and using mouthwash like Kate had suggested, he walked into the bedroom where he found Kate sprawled out across his side of the bed. He sat on the edge of the bed and gently moved her over, before getting into bed and pulling the covers over the both of them. "Are you awake?" He asked, getting a grunt in reply. "I didn't know that you were my number one fan."

"Still am, Castle," she mumbled drunkenly, throwing her arm across his stomach. "Go to sleep. I have to sleep before the bed starts spinning."

"Goodnight," he settled down into the mattress and pulled her closer to him.

**A/N #3: All of the chapters from this story are from my playlist. I'm a Jimmy Buffett freak. Not quite a Parrot Head but pretty close. This song and another I'll be using later 'Come Monday' are my favorites. **

**A/N #4: My song tastes are eclectic which will be reflected in the chapters. I'm sure most of the songs can probably be found on YouTube. **

**A/N #5: I'm sure that I'll be exploring Kate being Castle's number one fan in a future chapter. **

**I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960. Come and follow me.**


	2. Chapter 2--Our Mentor, Our Friend

**Disclaimers: No, I do not own Castle. **

**Summary: The things that we didn't see following the murder of Roy Montgomery. This time, the song is 'In My Life,' by The Beatles, probably the saddest Beatles song **_**ever**_**. A tissue alert is in order for this chapter. Contains spoilers from episode 3x24 'Knockout.'**

**A/N #1: This will follow the timeline that starts right after the gunfight in the hangar to the beginning of the funeral, ending right before Kate gets shot.**

**A/N #2: I came late to the 'Castle' fandom. I watched intermittently after reruns started on TNT, but I didn't start watching fanatically until S-5 started. Then, I started watching reruns from the beginning to familiarize myself with the storyline and the characters. Roy Montgomery's betrayal felt like an arrow in my heart. However, I did like how he tried to right an unimaginable wrong. I wondered how Beckett, Ryan, and Esposito felt about the death of their mentor and friend.**

**A/N #3: I like Capt. Gates, but I **_**loved **_**Montgomery. I loved his humor, and the way that he seemed to be one of the guys. It took me a long time to get used to Gates, although I've been a fan of Penny Johnson Jerald since '24.'**

Chapter 2: Our Friend, Our Mentor

'_There are places I remember_

_All my life_

_Though some have changed_

_Some for better, not forever_

_Some have gone and some remain_

_All these places have their moments_

_With lovers and friends, I still can recall_

_Some are dead and some are living_

_In my life, I've loved them all'_

He couldn't hold her any longer after the last shot rang out. He felt as if he'd been holding her for hours, shushing her frantic cries against her car. "Kate, shhh," he smoothed his hands over her hair and down the sides of her face. He knew that if those men that Montgomery had lured to the hangar heard her, they were both going to be dead.

But, as if sensing that the gunfight was over, Kate put her hands on Castle's chest and shoved him away, her shoes pounding on the pavement as she ran into the hangar. "Roy?" Castle could hear her calling out the name of a man that she'd thought had been her friend for so many years. A man that she'd just learned had betrayed her in the worst possible way. "Roy? _No!" _Castle could hear her screams and closed his eyes, trying to keep from crying himself.

He took a deep breath and made his way toward the hangar, where he found his partner kneeling on the ground beside the inert form of her former captain, her head on his chest. The body of Hal Lockwood was lying nearby and just on the other side of the helicopter was the bodies of three more men. Men that Lockwood had brought with him with the goal of killing Kate. Only Montgomery had foiled his plot.

"Kate?" Castle knelt down and placed his hand on Kate's shoulder. She looked up at him with tears streaming down her face. "I'm sure that someone heard the shots. The police are probably going to be here soon. "

"We need to come up with a story, Castle," she sat up. "We can't let anybody know what really happened out here. I don't want Roy branded as a dirty cop."

"Kate—"

"No! I forgave him, Castle! You heard me! Either you're with me on this or you can walk out of here right now and we have nothing more to talk about, _ever_. I thought that you were my partner." Just then, her cell phone rang. More tears fell when she saw that it was Esposito. "Beckett," she answered, tears choking her voice.

"Beckett, are you all right?"

"I'm fine. Lockwood's dead. We're at the hangar in Jersey. Get here as fast as you can. I'll explain everything else when you get here," she hung up before Espo had a chance to ask any more questions. "I couldn't tell him over the phone."

"I know."

"God, Castle!" She screamed in pain and anger. "He was my friend! He trained me on how to be the best detective I could be! How do I go on from here?"

She fell into Castle's arms as they both cried together over the loss of a good friend. It was only when they heard the wail of sirens in the distance that they released one another. She wiped at her face when the first patrol car arrived on the tarmac.

"Detective Kate Beckett," Kate showed her badge to the patrolman. "This is my partner, Richard Castle."

"Sgt. Dedrick, New Jersey State Police. What happened here tonight?"

"My captain, Roy Montgomery, got a tip that an escaped prisoner named Hal Lockwood had been spotted in this hangar. He called me for backup. When I arrived, this is the scene that I stumbled on."

"All of these men were already dead when you arrived on the scene?" The sergeant looked somewhat skeptically at the detective and her partner, who was standing silently by her side.

"Yes."

"Isn't Lockwood the prisoner who escaped from the courthouse in New York City the day before yesterday?"

"Yes. He was being arraigned on murder charges in the death of a former New York City detective."

"Det. Gary McCallister. I knew McCallister. He was a good man. That's why it was such a shock when I learned that he'd gone bad."

"Beckett!" She turned to find Ryan and Espo striding toward her. They both stopped short when they saw Montgomery's body lying on the ground. "What the hell happened?"

"I'll explain everything _later_," she looked pointedly at the members of her team. "Sgt. Dedrick, do you have any more questions?"

"Yeah. What time did Montgomery call you?"

"It was a little after nine. He just said that he'd gotten an anonymous tip and that he was coming here to check it out. I called Mr. Castle and we met here. But, it was all over when we arrived."

Castle knew that they were screwed if Dedrick asked to see either of their phones. The most recent call on his cell had been from Montgomery who had told him to meet him here at the hangar. That he was going to need him to protect Kate.

"_I'm making my stand, Castle. Beckett will listen to you. She always has. I'm at the hangar in New Jersey. Get here as fast as you can."_

"_Sir—"_

"_Castle, don't ask questions! This all ends tonight!"_

"You're going to have to come to the barracks and give your statements," Dedrick finally told them.

"Fine. But we need to notify Capt. Montgomery's wife first."

"My men will make—"

"No!" Kate looked at the State Policeman defiantly. "He was our captain. My team and I will make the notification."

"All right," he finally agreed. "So, say you'll give your statements in two hours?" 

"Okay," Kate said as the coroner's wagon arrived on the scene. Fresh tears filled her eyes when she realized that this was real. Roy was dead and she was never going to talk to him again. She'd never share a joke, or a drink, or insights into cases with him. She took a deep breath as she turned toward the boys. She didn't want to see the M.E. officially pronounce him dead or load his body into the back of his wagon. She reached into her pocket and took out her key ring and removed her apartment key from it, pressing it into Espo's hand. "Meet us at my apartment. Castle and I are going to go and tell Evelyn."

"Beckett, let us go with you," Ryan's voice was choked with sobs.

"No, it's better if it's just me and Castle. I promise that I'll explain everything," she hugged first Kevin and then Javi, as the three of them sobbed together. "We'll be as quick as we can."

'_But of all these friends and lovers_

_There is no one compares with you_

_And these memories lose their meaning_

_When I think of love as something new_

_Though I know I'll never lose affection,_

_For people and things that went before_

_I know I'll often stop and think about them_

_In my life, I love you more'_

"Do you want me to drive?" Castle asked her after the boys had left.

"No, I'm good," she turned and walked toward her car with him right behind her. She got behind the wheel as he got in on the passenger side. Her hands were shaking as she put the key in the ignition and started the engine. "What did he tell you when he called you, Rick?"

He looked at her in surprise. She rarely ever called him by his first name. The last time had been earlier that afternoon when they'd had that horrible fight and she'd told him that they were done. "He said that he was going to make his stand and that I had to make you listen to me. I didn't really understand what he was talking about."

"Espo sent me a text warning me that he was the third cop. I don't know how they found out. I loved him, Castle," her voice choked up again. "When my father was so hopelessly drunk all of the time, Roy was like my second father. I never got to tell him—"

"He knew," Castle assured her. "He always knew."

It was after 11 when Kate pulled up in front of the two-story house that belonged to her captain and his wife. She remembered just weeks before when they'd celebrated their 30th anniversary. He'd told them that he was going to retire. She remembered how relieved Evelyn Montgomery had looked at the prospect. Now Kate had to get out of her car and tell the woman that her husband of 30 years was dead. "I hate this part," she whispered as she stared out of her car window at the house.

"Sitting here isn't going to change anything, Kate," Castle reminded her.

"Let's go."

They got out of the car and walked up the walkway to the front door, their feet sounding loud against the backdrop of the quiet of the neighborhood. Taking a deep breath, Kate rang the doorbell. It was less than a minute before the porch light came on and the front door opened. Evelyn Montgomery stared at her visitors as she instinctively tightened her bathrobe around her. "Kate? Mr. Castle? What're you doing here?"

"Evelyn, can we come in? It's about Roy," Kate's voice was barely above a whisper.

Evelyn's legs felt like stone as she stepped away from the door to let the female detective and her writer partner into their home. She knew what Kate was going to tell her. Your husband's colleagues don't show up on your front porch at almost midnight to deliver cheerful news. It was the visit she had dreaded her entire married life. "Mom?" She looked up and saw her son Evan standing on the stairs.

"Go see to your sisters. I'll be up soon," she forced her voice to sound normal as her oldest child turned and did as she asked, much to her relief. "Kate, Mr. Castle, please sit down."

"Evelyn, there was a shootout in New Jersey. I'm sorry to tell you, but Roy's dead."

"Why was he in New Jersey?"

"He went after the man who escaped from the courthouse. The man who had kidnapped Kevin and Javi a few months ago. Evelyn, he died trying to protect me and Castle."

"So, I should be proud of him?" She asked bitterly. "I'm sorry. I've been a cop's wife for a long time, Kate. I've always wondered what I'd do if I ever got that knock on the door. I wondered if I'd be one of those wives who just falls to the ground, screaming and shaking. Or if I'd be the one comforting the person delivering the news."

"Evelyn, would you like for me and Castle to talk to Evan and the girls?"

"No," Evelyn forced a smile. "I'll talk to them. I'll tell them that their father would want them to be strong. Did he say anything before—"

"No, he was already gone when I got to him. Do you need help with the arrangements?"

"No, but thank you. If I'm making arrangements, at least I'm keeping busy. He talked about you all of the time, Kate," she smiled. "He told me early on 'Evelyn, that girl is so sharp. She's going to be the best that I've ever trained. I can feel it in my bones.' Did he get the man who shot him?"

"Yes, he shot and killed him. Do you need for us to stay?"

"No, I've got things to take care of and I'm sure that you do, too. Will you do something for me?"

"Of course," Kate reached out and took her hand.

"Will you speak for him at the cemetery? I know that Roy would like that."

"I'd be honored to."

***CCC***

It was three in the morning when Kate and Castle walked into her apartment where they found Ryan and Espo waiting. Ryan's eyes were red as if he'd been crying for hours while Espo just looked like he wanted to hurt someone. Kate sat down and told them what had really happened before she took a deep breath. "The story that we told the police is different from what really happened. _No one,_ no one outside of this immediate family ever needs to know about this. As far as the world is concerned, Roy Montgomery died a hero. We owe it to him. All of us."

Afterwards, she went to her liquor cabinet, taking out a bottle of Scotch and four glasses. She brought them over to her coffee table, pouring a shot into each one and handing them out to her team and Castle. "Roy would want us to stay strong and carry on the fight. So, that's what we're going to do. Starting right now," she held up her glass. "To Roy."

"To Roy," the three men responded in unison.

They sat around Kate's apartment, sharing stories of Montgomery until the sun started to come up. "I need to get home," Castle looked at his watch. "I have to talk to my mother and Alexis. Call me when you know the arrangements," he stood up and walked to the door as Kate followed him.

"I will," she stood there awkwardly, not knowing if they should embrace or not. Castle finally decided for her, enfolding her into his arms and holding her for a moment. "Be careful going home."

The boys left right behind Castle, each of them hugging Kate for a moment before leaving. It was only after closing and locking her door that she walked over and called her father. It was while talking to him that all of the tears and grief that had been building up since the night before came flooding out. Her father finally came over to her apartment, fed her coffee, and held her until she was all cried out. He then helped her into her bed where she fell into an exhausted, dreamless sleep.

***CCC***

"Richard, where on earth have you been? Did you get a body drop last night?" Martha asked, picking up on the vernacular that her son had been using for the past three years. "You look dreadful. I just made coffee. Let me fix you a cup."

"Is Alexis awake yet? I have something that I need to tell the both of you," he sat on a bar stool at the counter and rubbed his weary eyes.

"I'll go and check."

Martha went upstairs, returning down moments later with Alexis right behind her. "Good morning, dad," Alexis greeted her father cheerfully with a kiss on the cheek. "What's wrong? Did somebody get hurt?"

"Yeah, pumpkin. Let's go into the living room," he sighed, getting off of the bar stool and going over to the sofa in the living room. "Capt. Montgomery . . . " his voice broke for a second before he continued. "Capt. Montgomery was shot and killed last night."

"Oh Richard, no," Martha breathed out. "How?"

"He was shot by the man who escaped from the courthouse. The man who shot and killed Det. Raglan and kidnapped Ryan and Esposito."

"Richard, is Katherine all right?"

"Yeah. He died protecting her. I didn't want you hearing about his death on the news. Beckett's going to call me later with the funeral arrangements. Right now, I'm going to take a shower and get some sleep."

Both women got up and embraced Castle tightly. He planted a kiss on his daughter's forehead before stumbling toward his office. As he stood in the shower, his mind kept flashing back to the images of the night before. Wrapping his arms around Kate and carrying her out of that hanger as if she was a small child. Holding her tight against the car and trying to quiet her keening cries as they both heard the gunshots. The look of abject horror on her face after the last gunshot had faded into the night. Sitting around her coffee table and looking into the grief-stricken faces of Ryan and Esposito. It was only then that he started sobbing; remembering the man who'd allowed him to become an unofficial detective. A man who had sat around his poker table on countless occasions, both winning and losing. He remembered laughing with him after the incident with the dirty bomb had ended. But he mostly remembered his friendship. He was going to miss that friendship more than anything.

***CCC***

It was the persistent ringing of her doorbell that woke Kate up. She picked up her cell phone and glanced at it. It was almost 10 in the morning. Her father must've let himself out sometime earlier. She found the two coffee cups in the sink and a note on the counter. She picked up the note before walking to open her door. She found a tearful Lanie standing there. "Javi called me," she fell into Kate's arms as the two women cried together. "I got Perlmutter to take over."

"Do you want some coffee?"

"Yeah."

"Did Espo tell you the version that we're sticking to?"

"Yeah. Did he say why, Kate? How did he get sucked in with Raglan and McCallister?"

"He was a rookie and he made a bad judgment call," she handed Lanie a cup of coffee, pushing the sugar and creamer toward her. "I just can't believe that I never picked up on it."

"What would you have done if you had?"

"I don't know," Kate answered honestly as her cell phone rang. "It's Evelyn Montgomery," Kate told Lanie before answering. "Hello?"

"Kate, the funeral is Wednesday morning at nine a.m. at the chapel at the Police Academy. The burial will be at Mount Kisko Cemetery. There's going to be a full honor guard. Kate, I found a letter in Roy's file cabinet. He wanted you, Mr. Castle, and Detectives Esposito and Ryan to be his pallbearers in the event of something like this happening. Kate, it was dated just a few months ago."

"I'll let Mr. Castle and the boys know. Do you need anything? Are you and the kids all right?"

"Well, we're not all right, but we're as good as we're going to be for right now. His family is going to start arriving this afternoon."

"Please let me know if you need anything. I don't care what time of the day or night."

"I will. Thank you, Kate."

***CCC***

'_Though I know I'll never lose affection_

_For people and things that went before_

_I know I'll often stop and think about them_

_In my life, I loved you more,_

_In my life, I loved you more'_

Castle was dressed in a black shirt, black Armani suit and a black tie. Somber clothes for a somber occasion. It was the first police funeral he'd ever attended and the first time he'd ever seen Beckett and the boys in uniform. "If this wasn't such a somber occasion, I'd be cracking a joke about how you look in a uniform," he gave Kate a small smile.

"It's my ceremonial uniform" she explained, pulling on a pair of white gloves. "It's reserved for promotions and funerals. And, I think that Roy would like you making a joke at my expense."

The mayor and the chief of police, among many others, spoke Capt. Roy Montgomery's praises in the chapel at the Police Academy. There was a lot of laughter mixed in with the tears. When the chaplain asked if anyone else wished to speak, Kate wasn't surprised when Castle made his way to the front of the chapel. "I'm not a cop," he began. "I'm a writer. I always thought that my relationship with the men and women of the 12th would be brief, a few weeks at the most. But it's been three years and I'm still there. Roy Montgomery and the detectives at the 12th are my family. A few weeks ago, Capt. Montgomery told us that he was going to be celebrating his 30th anniversary with Evelyn. He was at a loss as to what to give her for a gift. I told him to give her the one gift that she'd been asking for when she thought that he wasn't listening. So, he told all of us that he was going to retire at the end of the year. He was a family man. He loved his wife, and his children. But he also loved his other family at the 12th. Evelyn, I'm sorry that he didn't get to retire like you wanted him to. He's going to be missed. Both at the precinct and at my poker table, where I'm going to miss his money," he gave a smile as the crowd chuckled.

"That was lovely, Rick," Kate whispered when he sat down beside her again.

"Are you going to one-up me at the cemetery, Beckett?" He couldn't help but grin.

"You'll see."

If he'd known just how she was going to one-up him, he would've wished those words back. It was bright and sunny at the cemetery. To the cadence of snare drums, the pallbearers removed Roy's casket from the hearse and over to the bier. Ryan and Espo took seats while Rick stood to one side. He saw his mother, Alexis, and Kate's father sitting with the other mourners. He was listening to Kate delivering her eulogy when he caught something out of the corner of his eye. It looked like sunlight reflecting off of glass. His heart began to pound as he realized what it was. A sniper's scope. And that was when everything changed.

**A/N #4: There will be other reflections of Montgomery in future chapters. I love it when the writers leave so much unsaid that it gives us fan fiction writers something to build on. Thanks, Will Beall. **

**I'll go cheerful or romantic with the next chapter. I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960.**


	3. Chapter 3--Three Special Rings

**Disclaimers: 'Castle' is the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC Studios Productions. No copyright infringement is intended. The story is the property of the author.**

**Summary: A chapter about the three very special rings in Kate's life; her mother's ring, her engagement ring, and her wedding ring. AU. This chapter will have an M rating.**

**A/N #1: The song for this chapter is 'Rings' from the group Cymarron. This was their only hit from 1971. I've always thought it was such a pretty song, and for the most part, it fits Caskett. My only substitution would be Kevin and Javier for Tony and Mario. **

**A/N #2: The first part of this chapter will go into more detail regarding the end scene in 'Secrets Safe with Me.'**

**A/N #3: The third part has to do with Nathan saying that he wants a beach wedding for Castle and Beckett.**

Chapter 3: Three Special Rings

'_Ring, ring, telephone rings_

_Somebody said, 'Baby, whatcha doin'_

_I've been wonderin' where you've been_

_Now and then, I think about you and me'_

_January 1999_

Kate Beckett never expected her life to go in this direction. Before the ninth of January, she'd been a pre-law student at Stanford, with her main focus besides her studies being dorm parties and boys. Then had come the night of January 9, and the life that she'd always known came to a crashing halt.

"_I'm sorry to tell you that we found a body," she could remember verbatim the words of the detective who'd been waiting for them that night. "We've identified her as your wife, Mr. Beckett. But we need for you to come to the coroner's office to make a positive identification."_

Kate had wanted to go with him. She hadn't wanted for her father to have to do that alone. But he'd insisted that she stay home. She had sat in the living room, on pins and needles, waiting for her father to come home and tell her that it was a mistake. That her mother's id had been stolen by somebody else. But when her father returned home two hours later, one look at his face confirmed Kate's worst fears. Her mother was dead and she was never going to see her again; never get to talk to her about the newest boy that she had a crush on; or how rough some of her classes were.

Her screams of pain were deep and primal. She vaguely remembered her father wrapping her into his arms and just holding her until her screams stopped.

"_It's okay, Katie," he'd crooned to her. "It's going to be okay."_

"_How can anything be okay? Mom's dead!"_

The days after had been a blur of arrangements and greeting well wishers. By the afternoon of the funeral, Kate was physically and emotionally drained. She felt as if she couldn't take another step if she wanted to. She just wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep. Maybe if she slept long enough, she'd wake up to discover that this was all a nightmare.

Kate barely remembered the funeral itself or the burial. She seemed to come back to herself at the reception at their home after the services were over. She was standing against one wall, holding a cup of coffee in her hand, watching the mourners milling around. For some reason, it reminded her of the reception scene following the funeral in the movie 'The Big Chill' which was one of her mother's favorites. She remembered one of the characters commenting that they always throw the biggest party of the year on the one day that you can't be there. She knew deep down that her mother would hate this.

She met her father's eyes across the room where he was chatting with someone and knew that he was just as miserable, just as lost, as she was. After a moment he excused himself and made his way over to his only child. "Katie, let's get the hell out of here," he took her coffee cup from her hand before taking her hand and leading her out of the house.

The 'Q' train took them to Coney Island, where they walked for what seemed to be hours, laughing and enjoying themselves. "Mom would've hated that scene back at the house," she told her father.

"I know, but she had a lot of friends. They deserved to be able to pay their respects," he watched as she bent down to pick something up. "What's that?"

"Just a stick," she picked up another couple of sticks and some small stones.

"Maybe we could make something," her father tugged her along while they searched for other materials that had washed up on the cold beach.

After gathering up some materials they found a place to sit. Between the two of them, they managed to craft a rather crude looking stick man. "He looks like something that I once made in first grade art class," Kate made a face.

"Oh, I don't know. I think he has charm," her father smiled.

"Dad, is there something wrong with us? I mean, we're supposed to be sad and yet, here we are, laughing over a silly looking stick man that we made at Coney Island." 

"Your mother wouldn't want us mired down, Katie. She'd want for both us to move on and try to be happy. It's not going to be overnight. But, one day you'll find a reason to smile again. We both will."

That night she was lying on her bed sobbing, as she had every night since that awful detective had appeared on their doorstep. She didn't even know that her father had come in until she felt his hand on her shoulder. "Katie," he whispered her name as she rolled over and stared up at him with eyes full of misery. "I was just in our room looking at Jo's things."

Kate couldn't help noticing that her father still referred to the room that he'd stared with her mother as 'our' room. "Is that mom's engagement ring?" She noticed the silver sapphire ring that he held in his hand.

"I was a struggling law student when I proposed to your mother. I always wanted to give her one of those huge diamond engagement rings like so many of her friends had. I even offered to get her one later. But she wouldn't hear of it."

"She told me that when my future husband asked for my hand, that was the ring that she'd give him," Kate smiled in remembrance.

"I want you to have it now," he pressed the ring into her hand. "She wanted you to have it anyway."

"Daddy—"

"No, take it. It's what she always wanted."

She could never bear to wear it on her finger, so she bought a long silver chain and hung that around her neck. For years, that chain and the ring that it bore hung between her breasts. Then, she just wore it occasionally. It always made her feel as if her mother was always with her.

***CCC***

_April 2013_

The morning after the epic surprise birthday party had found Castle at Tiffany's. He'd gone this route twice before, unsuccessfully both times, but something in his heart told him that the third time was indeed the charm, as Beckett had told him at Ryan and Jenny's wedding. "May I help you, Mr. Castle?" Most of the salespeople at Tiffany's knew him. He did most of his shopping for Alexis and his mother at Tiffany's.

"I need to see your engagement rings," he smiled at the clerk.

"Of course. And may I add, congratulations," the clerk smiled as he directed Castle's attention to the display case.

'_No use fightin' about things we can't recall_

_It don't matter now, at all_

_Just come on home_

_Baby, we'll laugh and sing, we'll make love_

_Let the telephone ring'_

_May 2013_

The moment he'd walked out of Beckett's apartment, Castle regretted the hastiness of his move. He kept looking at his cell phone, willing it to ring. He entered the loft and tossed his keys onto the counter before going to his liquor cabinet and pouring two fingers of Scotch. He tossed it down and was about to pour another when his mother came downstairs. "Richard, I wasn't expecting you. I thought that you were having dinner with Katherine."

"We had a fight."

"I see."

"She went on a job interview in Washington and didn't bother to tell me," he said as he poured a second drink.

"Well, maybe she was waiting to see if she was going to get the position before she told you."

"Mother, if she takes a job in another city, then that's it! There is no more _us_!"

"Richard, you make it sound like the job is on the moon. Washington isn't that far away."

"I have to show you something," he went into his office, returning moments later with a small box. "I bought this after my birthday party."

"Oh my, Richard," Martha gasped when she opened the box, revealing a platinum engagement ring. There were two diamonds on either side of a three carat diamond. "This is exquisite. Katherine's a lucky girl to be receiving this."

"I can't find the right time to give it to her. If I give it to her now, she's going to think that I'm desperately trying to hold onto her."

"Well, aren't you?" She gave him a pointed look.

_Ring, ring, doorbell ring_

_Baby, come on in, got James Taylor on the stereo_

_I'm glad you've come around_

_I've been feelin' down, just talkin' to Tony and Mario_

_You know, they make good conversation_

_Still it ain't no consolation_

'_Cause I've got love_

_Baby, I'll give you some_

_And if somebody comes_

_We'll let the doorbell ring_

Kate was sprawled over Castle's body, their bodies still damp with sweat. She kissed his stomach and chest before moving up to cover his lips with her own, kissing him sweetly before burying her face in the crook of his neck, inhaling the scent of him. She could feel the new weight of her engagement ring around her finger as she stroked his chest, smiling at the feel of his hands traveling down her back. "Tell me again that we can make this work, Castle," she whispered against his neck. "Tell me that we're going to be great."

"We're going to be magnificent," he wrapped his arms around her and rolled her so he could smile into her brilliant green eyes. "I can't believe that you thought that I was breaking up with you."

"Castle, you should've seen your face. The only time I see you looking that serious is when you're angry with me. I was so scared."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I just remembered when Ryan was going to propose to Jenny and you said that you didn't want all of the bells and whistles. I wanted the swings because that seemed to be where everything started with you and me. That's when you told me about your walls. That was when I knew that I had a chance."

"So, are you expecting anyone?" She reached down to grope him, swallowing his gasp with her mouth.

"Uh-uh," he pulled her closer as they began to kiss hungrily.

***CCC***

_May 2014_

There had been so many arrangements to make. "Maybe we should've eloped," she sighed one night as they were lying side by side in bed.

"I will get married in whatever manner you want. I've done this before, Kate," he reminded her. "If you want to elope, we'll get Judge Markway or another judge to marry us. If you want a hundred elephants, I will arrange a hundred elephants. I just want the day to be special for you."

"Elephants, Castle? Seriously?" She stared at him. There were days when she wanted to pinch herself. Days when she wanted to ask herself how she'd ever gotten so lucky. She rolled over to face him. "I want to walk down the beach on my father's arm and see the look in your eyes when you see me in my dress for the first time."

"Then, that's what we'll do."

She was almost giddy when he pulled her into Tiffany's the next morning. Picking out their wedding set made it real. She was going to marry Richard Castle! They both agreed that they wanted something fairly simple, but in platinum to match her engagement ring. After poring over several sets, dismissing them for one reason or another, they finally decided on the perfect set. She couldn't wait until the moment when they could place rings on each other's fingers.

'_Said ring, ring golden ring_

_Around the sun, around your pretty finger_

_Ring, ring, voices ring with a happy tune_

_Anybody can be a singer_

_Sun comes up across the city_

_Swear you never looked so doggone pretty_

_Hand in hand, we'll stand upon the sand_

_With the preacher man_

_Let the wedding bells ring_

_Oh, hand in hand, we'll stand upon the sand (echo)_

_With the preacher man_

_Let the wedding bells ring'_

Walking barefoot across the warm sand on her father's arm, Kate smiled when she caught the eye of her soon-to-be husband. He looked especially ruggedly handsome today in a white linen suit, his feet also bare. They had decided to get married barefoot to make it easier to traverse the sand. The wedding itself was taking place on the beach near Castle's Hamptons home at sunset.

"Wow, she looks incredible, Castle," Kevin whispered in Castle's ear.

"Yes, she does," Castle agreed; his heart swelling with pride.

Kate's dress was a white linen halter, with gold embroidery on the bodice as well as the hem. Her hair was hanging in a halo of loose curls. She wore diamond tear drops in her ears. Castle had never seen a more beautiful sight in his life than this woman who was about to become his wife.

When Jim finally presented her to him, her smile about blew him away. It was wider and brighter than the happy smiles she usually gave him. They barely heard the words of the minister. If it weren't for Lanie and Kevin giving them their cues, they wouldn't have known when to respond.

"May I have the rings, please?" The minister looked at Kevin, who handed Castle's ring to Kate. "Katherine, as you place the ring on Richard's finger, please repeat after me: I give you this ring as a symbol of my everlasting faith and abiding love."

Smiling into Rick's eyes, she took the wide platinum band and slid it onto his finger. "Rick, I give you this ring as a symbol of my everlasting faith and abiding love," she squeezed his fingers after she'd placed the ring.

"Richard, as you place the ring on Katherine's finger, please repeat after me: I give you this ring as a symbol of my everlasting faith and abiding love."

"Kate, I give you this ring as a symbol of my everlasting faith and abiding love," his eyes glowed as he slid the ring onto her slender finger.

"By the power vested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride," the minister instructed the two of them. Rick slipped his hand around Kate's back and pulled her to him, kissing her longingly. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to present to you Mr. and Mrs. Richard Castle."

A large tent had been set up on the grounds of Castle's house for the reception. After allowing a photographer to take pictures of the wedding party for half an hour, they entered the tent to the raucous cheers and congratulations of friends and family. It was a wonderful party.

It was late in the evening when Castle took Kate out on the dance floor. "Tired?" He asked her as they slowly moved to the music.

"Ummm," she hummed against his neck.

It had been a long day for both of them. They had been operating on adrenaline all day and now they were starting to wind down. "We'll go inside soon," he kissed her as the song ended.

"And leave the party?" She smiled up at him. She loved it when she wasn't wearing heels when she was with him. His four plus inches over her made her feel protected and safe. She knew that he'd always be there to protect her and keep her safe.

"We'll have a party of our own," he softly stroked her back.

"Umm, sounds nice."

She wrapped her arms around his neck when another song started. "So, you want to stay out here," he guessed as he held her tighter.

"I just like it when you hold me," she sighed against his chest.

For some reason, that statement brought tears to Castle's eyes. He took a deep breath before answering her. "I like holding you," he kissed the top of her head.

"I love you, Castle," she pressed up on her tiptoes to kiss his neck. "Can we go inside and start our own party now?"

"Absolutely," he kissed her before taking her hand. "Should we tell our guests or just disappear?"

"Well, telling them will eliminate the chance of possibly being surprised," she pointed out.

After saying goodnight to their friends and getting some rather crude comments from Ryan and Esposito, Castle led Kate into the house and up the stairs to the master bedroom. He closed and locked the door before going over to the fireplace and turning it on, setting the flame to low. He then turned to his new bride. His wife. He still couldn't believe that he could now refer to Kate Beckett in that context.

She held her hands out as she walked toward him. He grasped them in his and stared into her eyes, still not quite believing that this night was really here. It had been a long, hard journey that had led them to where they were now. "Have I told you how absolutely amazing you look tonight?"

"You don't look so bad yourself, Castle," she bit her lip as she gave him a shy smile.

"I love you so, so much," he pulled her closer; letting his lips close over hers and his hands travel over her bare back. "I still can't believe that you're my wife."

"Bullshit," she teased him. "You knew on the first day that we met that you were going to marry me someday."

"You're probably right. Would you like some champagne?"

"I'd love some," she watched him walk over to a crystal ice bucket sitting on the dresser. He expertly opened a bottle of champagne and filled two crystal flutes. He walked back over and handed one of the flutes to her. "Thank you."

"To the first of many nights together," he clinked his glass to hers. After they each took a sip, he took her glass from her and set it down along with his next to the ice bucket on the dresser. He then removed his suit jacket and cuff links, putting them in a safe place before walking back over and taking her slender hand in his.

With her free hand, Kate managed to unbutton the myriad small buttons on his dress shirt, tugging it from his slacks and opening it. She peppered his chest and stomach with open mouth kisses as he swallowed back a groan. Pulling back from him, she tugged on his hand, leading him over to their bed much as she had the first time they'd ever slept together. She sat on the end of the bed and reached for his belt, slapping at his hands when he tried to stop her. "I've been waiting since six o'clock this morning to do this," she smiled up at him with a salacious look in her eyes. "Ryan and Espo were cruel to keep you away from me."

"Well, superstition and all that," he managed to choke out when he felt her undo his pants and pull them down his legs.

"I don't believe in that shit, Castle. Remember?" She reached into his boxers and wrapped her hand around his arousal, loving the feel of the hard, hot length of him in her hand. She stood up, turned him around and pushed him down onto the edge of the bed. He groaned when she sank down to her knees at his feet and wrapped her lips around the head of his aching cock.

"Fuck, Kate. I'm not going to last long," he managed to choke out when he felt the first vibrations of her humming around him.

"It's all right, Castle. We have all night," she pulled away to give him another sly smile.

He hadn't envisioned the night going quite like this. His original plan had been to worship every inch of Kate's body over and over again until she screamed herself hoarse. But now this remarkable, maddening, frustrating woman had turned his plans completely on their head. He moaned in disappointment when she released him. Until she got up and walked over to the ice bucket. She was getting the ice. He knew for sure that he was a goner now. He almost came just at the thought. She refused to tell him where she learned the trick, but it was the hottest thing that had ever been done to him sexually.

Kate gave him another smile before sinking back to her knees and taking him deeply into her mouth, this time with the added bonus of an ice cube. The combination of the heat and the mind numbing cold was powerful. He shouted her name as well as a few choice expletives as he felt himself exploding into the warm cavern of her mouth.

Kissing her way back up his body, Kate pushed him onto his back before she crawled up his bare body. His hands snaked under the bottom of her dress, which had rode up her body as she was straddling him. She gasped into his mouth when she felt him touching her through the thong panties that she was wearing. "You are so fucking wet," he growled into her mouth while his fingers did a leisurely exploration. He then removed his hands and reached behind her neck for the clasp on the dress, undoing it with one hand. "Stand up a second."

When she stood up, the dress dropped to the floor at her feet, leaving her in a pair of white thong panties. Her skin had a bronze glow, obtained during weekends at the beach house. He sat up and hooked his fingers into the sides of the panties, dragging them down her legs and smiling when she stepped out of them. "See anything that you like, Mr. Castle?" She teased him, noticing that he was once again hardening.

"Oh, I like everything that I see. Let me just say, Mrs. Castle, that you look good enough to eat right now."

"Oh, really?" She grinned at the double entendre.

"Oh, really," he reached for her hand and pulled her toward him. She let out a squeal when she felt him wrap his arms around her and jerk her back onto the bed.

Looming above her with a huge smile, he kissed her, his tongue sliding along hers, slowly, languidly, causing her to moan in desire. He then left her mouth, letting his lips and tongue trace the long lines of her neck before gradually moving lower. She carded her fingers in his hair when she felt him take first her right nipple, and then her left one into his mouth, tugging them to taut peaks.

"Castle," his name came out as a breathy moan as she arched against him. His hands spanned her waist as he continued the journey south. "Castle, please?" She pleaded when she felt him encircle her navel with his tongue. She almost cried out with relief and unbearable need when she finally felt him nudge her legs apart.

They'd made love many times in the last year and a half. But she could never remember a time when she'd been so aroused, so in need of Castle's touch. She let out a keening cry at the first brush of his tongue against her wet folds. "More, Castle, harder," she begged, clawing at the sheets, at his hair, anything to get a purchase on the need that was coiling in her body. "I need to come!"

Castle smiled against her mound, all the while licking, nibbling, and teasing her, building her up to an explosive climax. When he entered two fingers and angled them up to her g-spot, she screamed out her release. Castle slowed down his oral ministrations and his stroking, allowing her to come down. She was still incoherently moaning and shaking when he made his way back up her body.

"Castle?" Her eyes were closed, but she could feel him enveloping her in his embrace, drawing her to his chest.

"Umm?" He hummed, planting a soft kiss on her temple before capturing her lips with his own.

"I still want you," she reached down for him.

"I know," he covered her body with his own and guided himself into her, swallowing her groan of desire. "I still want you, too."

They moved together slowly, their kisses slow and leisurely. Kate trailed her fingers down Rick's back, loving the way that her ring felt brushing against his flesh. He pulled back so that he could rub his nose against hers before recapturing her lips with his own. He moaned when he felt Kate tighten her legs around his calves. He made a sharp thrust with his hips, and she gave him an answering moan, so he did it again. "Just like that, Rick," she sighed. "I'm almost there."

He gave her a few more deep thrusts before she threw her head back and gasped out his name, while he felt her muscles fluttering and tightening around him. He cried out her name as he came hard inside of her before finally dropping his head onto her shoulder.

Afterwards, they shared a warm bath together. Kate felt boneless and sated as she rested her head against Rick's broad chest, watching his fingers trace patterns on her soapy arms. "Was it like this the first two times that you were married?" She took his hand in hers, intertwining her fingers with his.

"Like what?" He brought her hand up to his lips.

"Right now, I feel like the only woman in the world who's ever been in love. Do you feel that way now? Did you feel that way with Meredith and Gina?"

"I feel like I'm the luckiest man in the universe. I honestly don't remember feeling that way with either Meredith or Gina. What I feel for you is so much more . . . all encompassing than what I felt with them. I might be your one and done, but you're also my one and done, Kate. I plan to spend the rest of my days with you."

"I'm glad, Castle," she smiled. "When we get out of here, do you think that we can start working on those little Castle babies that Madison Queller once asked me about?"

"Absolutely."

**A/N #4: This one kind of got away from me. Please read and review.**

**A/N #5: I have three stories on this site right now. I am updating them as quickly as I can. But, anybody who knows even a little about me knows that I have a lot of personal drama in my life. Right now, it's interfering with my writing. I will post as quickly as I can. Right now, my fans are benefiting from the fact that I'm unemployed, something that I intend to remedy very soon. Once I start working, the constant postings will stop.**

**I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960**


	4. Chapter 4--When You're Happy, I'm Happy

**Disclaimers: 'Castle' is the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC Studios Productions. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Summary: Post 6x03 'Need to Know.' Castle shows Kate the apartment that he bought for them to share in D.C. and makes an attempt to cheer her up following her rather unceremonious firing from the FBI.**

**A/N #1: The song for this chapter is also from the early 1970's; 1972 to be exact. It's called 'Brand New Key' by a hippy singer named Melanie. It's kind of a Freudian slip of a song, but I was 12 at the time, so I didn't get the sexual meaning behind a lock and key. It is a cute, kind of catchy song. And cute is where I want to go with this story.**

Chapter 4: When You're Happy, I'm Happy

_I rode my bicycle past your window last night_

_I roller-skated to your door at daylight_

_It almost seems like you're avoiding me_

_I'm okay alone, but you've got something I need_

_Well, I've got a brand new pair of roller-skates_

_You've got a brand new key_

_I think that we should get together and try them out, you see_

_I've been looking around a while, you've got something for me_

_Oh, I've got a brand new pair of roller-skates_

_You've got a brand new key_

Shell-shocked. That was the emotion that Rick Castle saw clearly registering in the eyes of his fiancé. The both of them continued standing in the foyer long after Kate's former partner, Rachel McCord, had made her exit. They just stood there, neither of them saying a word. What was there to say? The words 'You're fired,' pretty much summed everything up. Those words had a certain ring when you were watching 'Celebrity Apprentice,' but they sounded much different when they were directed at you.

After several minutes, Kate glanced down at her clutched fist where she was still holding the key that Castle had given her just moments before Rachel's appearance. He'd given her the key because he didn't want them to be apart any longer. The long distance stuff was too hard and he didn't see it working. Again, she'd thought that he was about to end everything. But instead he'd told her that he'd bought a place for them to share in D.C.

But now she didn't have to worry about D.C. Except to go and be debriefed by her former employer. Rachel had told her that she was expected within the next 48 hours. Kate hefted the weight of the key in her hand before looking at Castle. "I guess we won't need this," she finally said, breaking the silence in the room.

"Kate, I'm sorry."

"Don't be," she gave him a small smile. "I thought that it would be a dream job. It looked much better on paper than it was. When you got poisoned, that was when I knew—"

"When you knew what?"

"That I'd made a huge mistake. I've always been about the victims, Castle. The FBI doesn't care about the victims. All they care about is putting the bad guys away. But not the bad guys that matter. Rachel told me that there wouldn't even be an investigation into Reed's part in what happened. I'm not a political person, Castle. I'm not interested in playing those games."

"So, what do you want to do now?"

"I'll call Gates in the morning and see if I can get reinstated at the twelfth. I'm sorry about the apartment, though."

"Don't be," he walked over and wrapped his arms around her. "I still want you to see it. And then we'll figure out what we want to do with it. Keep it, sublet it, sell it. We'll figure it out. This is what we said we were going to do when I proposed, remember? Figure things out together."

"How do you feel about taking a road trip, Castle?"

***CCC***

When Castle got up the next morning, Kate's side of the bed was empty. He padded into the living room and found her at his dining room table with her laptop opened. "Morning," he kissed her before going into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. "How long have you been up?"

"Since five. I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to wake you up. What time do you want to leave for D.C.?"

"I'm flexible. Mother, Alexis, and Pi," he said the latter name with a now familiar bite to his tone, "won't be back until tomorrow. I'll leave them a note in case we're not back."

"I called Capt. Gates," she looked over as Castle took a seat at the table, "and it seems that the NYPD has a hiring freeze in place right now. I might not get my job back unless someone retires or dies. I haven't been without a source of income since I was 15 years old and I've _never _been fired. My life sucks right now!"

"Not completely," he gave her his usual charming smile, which earned him an eye roll in response. "Kate, you're going to be fine. I've never known you not to bounce back on your feet. In the meantime, you have a place to stay with people who love you."

"Castle, no offense, but don't you think that it's a little crowded around here?"

"Are you referring to all of the occupants or to one in particular?"

"Castle, if you keep letting Alexis know how you feel about him, she's just going to keep defying you. Do you remember the grunge rocker that I told you about?" She reminded him as he slowly nodded. "After the first week, I knew that it wasn't going to work. But, I stayed with the guy for _seven _months because I knew that he drove my dad nuts. It's what teenage girls do."

"It's hard not to say stuff when he makes huge messes, he barges into our room whenever he pleases—"

"I know. I'm going to take a shower so that we can get going. We have a long drive ahead of us. Oh, I called a moving company to bring my stuff back to the city. My dad said that we can store most of my stuff at the house, but I'll rent a storage unit for the rest."

"Kate, why don't you just move in here?" She stopped dead in her tracks. "We were going to share the apartment in D.C., so why not just change plans?"

"Can we talk about this later?"

"Sure," he smiled.

It was almost nine o'clock when they finally got on the road to D.C. Since the weather was so nice, Castle decided to drive the Ferrari. He put the top down and they laughed easily during the drive. It felt good to laugh even though Kate's job future was now uncertain. They'd had little to laugh about since her move to D.C. First the long separations, and then Castle's poisoning. He'd spent three hellish days in the hospital, followed by another three weeks recuperating at home. It had only been in the last few weeks that he was finally back to his old self. "Come on, Castle! Don't you listen to any music from this century?" She teased as she changed the radio station.

"Hey, I can't help it if you still like grunge," he bantered back.

"I never liked grunge, with the exception of Pearl Jam. Are we going to fight over the music for our wedding?"

"Probably. Once we start planning, we're going to fight about everything. I've got a book thing next week," he glanced over at her. "I've gotta go to Texas. I've got stops in Austin, Dallas, Houston, Corpus Christi, and I'll wrap up in San Antonio. Why don't you come with me? It'll be fun."

"Castle—"

"Come on, I'll buy you a cowboy hat," he grinned at her.

"A cowboy hat? Is that the best that you can come up with?"

"Okay, I'll throw in some boots. I always wanted to make love to a woman in cowboy boots."

"Didn't you just get back from a book tour?"

"This is a little different. I have to make appearances on a couple of local morning shows. Have you ever been to Texas?"

"I went to Houston once a long time ago. Yeah, I'd like to go on a trip with you," she smiled.

"We're going to have a blast."

When they arrived in the capital, they had lunch first before Castle took Kate to FBI headquarters for her de-briefing. She also had to turn in her credentials. Castle watched her examining her badge and id one last time before they arrived at headquarters. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. It just feels strange to be fired for doing the right thing."

"It's too bad that they didn't see what you did as saving a woman's life. All they see is you took away their ears in the Russian mob. Do you regret what you did?"

"No," she shook her head. "If they'd learned that Charlie was a spy and she knew about it, her family would've killed her, Castle. I just thought that at worst I'd get reprimanded like I did during the Valkyrie fiasco."

When they walked into headquarters, Kate instructed Castle to wait downstairs for her. She walked up to the reception desk and announced herself. Moments later, Special Agent Villante came downstairs and summoned her. They went upstairs and he ushered her into an office where Agent McCord and another agent were sitting at a long conference table. "Please, have a seat," Villante told her as he took a seat. "We just have some forms for you to read and sign."

He slid a folder with some official documentation inside of it. Kate carefully read the legalese before scrawling her name to them. She then slid the folder back to Villante as well as her credentials. She then stood and shook her former boss' hand before leaving the room. "Kate!" She heard Rachel calling her name. "Again, I want to let you know that I'm sincerely sorry. If it had been up to me, you might've gotten a black mark in your file. But, the attorney general doesn't see things the way that I do. I don't even think Villante wanted to do this, but his hands were tied."

"It's okay. I'm not angry. It didn't take me long to learn that there are different rules in play here than there were in the NYPD. I've always been about seeking justice for the victim of the crime. It's been that way since I came out of the police academy. I guess it's because I wanted to do for the victims what wasn't done for me or my father after my mom's murder. I can't work in a place where I can't help the victims. After Castle . . . after he almost died, that was when I knew that it was only going to be a matter of time before I quit. So, please don't feel guilty. I don't blame you."

"I wasn't kidding when I told you that you're about the best that I've ever trained. Are you going back to the NYPD?"

"Well, there seems to be a hiring freeze, so I'm kind of between jobs right now," Kate admitted sheepishly. "I need to go. I left Castle downstairs and he has a tendency to get in trouble when he's left alone."

"Good luck, Kate," Rachel held her hand out. "I mean that. And, if you need a recommendation, feel free to put me down."

"Thanks, Rachel."

"I'm sorry if this wasn't what you thought it was going to be."

"That's okay. Like you said, I want everything to be black and white. Shades of gray have just really worked for me. Anyway, I really do have to go."

When Kate stepped off of the elevator, she found Castle looking at the pictures that were lining the walls. Pictures of some of the FBI's most notorious captures, going all the way back to the 1930's. "Do you think they put enough bullets into Bonnie and Clyde's car?" He asked when she stepped up beside him. "Talk about overkill."

"They weren't folk heroes, Castle," she reminded him. "They were bank robbers and killers. Let's get out of here. I need to go to my old place and finish packing my stuff."

"Uh, can I show you the apartment first? It's unfurnished, so after you see it, we can go back to your old place, pack your stuff, and stay the night there. When are the movers coming?"

"Tomorrow morning."

"Come on, I want you to see the apartment," he smiled before holding his hand out to her.

"Let's go see where we would've been living if I hadn't fucked up my future," she took his hand in hers.

"Hey," he stopped to look at her, "you didn't do anything wrong. Please don't do that."

"Let's go, Castle," she tugged on his hand before he led her out of the building.

The apartment Castle had bought was near the Watergate complex and the Kennedy Theater for the Performing Arts. The doorman tipped his cap to Castle and Kate as he led her into the building and over to the bank of elevators. When they stepped inside of the elevator, he punched the button for the 10th floor.

_I ride my bike, I roller-skate, don't drive no car_

_Don't go too fast, but I go pretty far_

_For somebody who don't drive, I've been all round the world_

_Some people say I've done all right for a girl, oh yeah_

_Oh yeah, yeah, yeah_

_Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah_

"Use your key," he urged her when they got off of the elevator and walked down the hall a short distance. "Come on, you know that you want to."

She took out the key that he'd given her the night before and inserted it into the lock before turning the knob and opening the door. They walked into the empty space which was bathed in sunlight. Kate smiled as she looked around. "Castle, this is great," she wandered around from room to room.

"I'll show you what sold me," he led her over to the sliding glass doors before opening them and leading her outside to the balcony. "The D.C. waterfront is down below and if anybody else were to ever break into the Watergate again, I'd see them."

The view was breathtaking. Kate felt suddenly sad; because she knew that Castle had done all of this for her, for them. Because he loved her too much to be apart from her again, especially after his poisoning. Since coming home from the hospital, there had been too many nights where he'd called her in the middle of the night, needing to hear the reassuring tone of her voice. "Castle, this is . . . I still can't believe that you did this."

"Are you upset?"

"Not with you," she turned to smile at him. "You're trying so hard and I just feel like I'm messing everything up."

"Like I told you, we're going to figure this out together," he took both of her hands in his, brushing his fingers over the diamonds in her ring. "I'm glad that you liked it. I know the home office is what sold me on it, but I'm glad that you like it, too."

"Castle, my home is wherever you are."

"I think that's the sweetest, most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me," he pulled her into his arms and kissed her, his lips soft and warm on hers.

_I asked your mother if you were at home_

_She said yes, but you weren't alone_

_Sometimes I think that you're avoiding me_

_I'm okay alone, but you've got something I need_

_Well, I've got a brand new pair of roller-skates_

_You've got a brand new key_

_I think that we should get together and try them out, you see_

_La la la la la la la_

_La la la la la la la_

_Oh, I've got a brand new pair of roller-skates_

_You've got a brand new key_

When they walked into Kate's small house later, Castle was surprised to see that she hadn't unpacked any more boxes than she had when he'd come to visit her at the end of the summer. "The nice thing about never unpacking is I don't have a lot to pack up. I think the only thing I unpacked was my clothes and toiletries. This just never felt like home," Kate explained.

"So, are we ever going to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" She asked innocently.

"You, me, the loft. Or, me, you, your loft. Kate, there are two constants in that equation. Me and you," he walked over to her. "There is just one thing that I know for certain. Well, other than the fact that I want to marry you," he grinned. "And that other thing is I want you with me, 24 hours a day, and seven days a week. Move in with me, Kate. Please?"

"What about the redheads and Pi?" She said Pi's name the way that Castle always did, smiling when she saw his grin.

"We'll establish some ground rules. Alexis is going back to school soon anyway. Please, Kate?"

"Can we sleep on it?" She pressed herself up on her tiptoes to kiss him. "I'll give you an answer soon, I promise."

Lying next to him later that night, Kate thought about where her life was going. She wondered if he could respect her privacy if she were to move in with him. He knew that there were times when she needed to be alone. Times when memories pressed down on her, overwhelming her. She rolled over into his side, sighing when she felt his arm snake around her. "You're still awake," she heard him whisper in the dark.

"Thinking," she kissed his chest. "You'll leave me be and not bother me when I need to be alone?"

"Yeah. I'll also warn my mother, Alexis, and Pi. Kate, I'll never intrude on you when you need to be by yourself."

"Neither will I," she smiled. "In that case, Richard Edgar Alexander Rodgers Castle, when we come back from our trip to Texas, I will move in with you."

"Really?" His grin was about to split his face, it was so wide.

"Yes, really," she kissed him. "Now, go to sleep."

**A/N #2: The next chapter is going to be a continuation of this one where they take a trip to Texas, which is my neck of the woods. Please read & review.**

**I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960.**


	5. Chapter 5--Her Smile Lights Up My World

**Disclaimers: 'Castle' does not belong to me. It belongs to Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC Studios. I'm just playing with his creation.**

**Summary: Castle and Kate have a romantic mini-adventure in San Antonio, Texas. **

**A/N #1: The song this time is 'Follow me' by John Denver. I loved John Denver and miss him greatly. There will be a couple of other John Denver songs that I'll be using later, but this one is my favorite. **

**A/N #2: I'm from San Antonio, and they say to write what you know. So, that's what I've done with this chapter. **

Chapter 5: Her Smile Lights up My World

'_It's by far the hardest thing I've ever done_

_To be so in love with you and so alone_

_Follow me_

_Where I go, what I do, and who I know_

_Make it part of you to be a part of me_

_Follow me_

_Up and down, all the way and all around_

_Take my hand and say you'll follow me'_

Kate put the magazine that she'd been reading in the pocket of the seat in front of her as the wheels of the plane touched down at San Antonio International Airport. The flight had really been nothing more than a puddle jumper. They'd gotten on board in Corpus Christ less than an hour before and now here they were. One more Texas city. Actually, the _last _Texas city. Rick had three days here where he was going to appear on one of the local morning shows, do a book signing at a local Barnes & Noble and then it was back home to New York, where undoubtedly the weather would feel more like fall.

The moment that they'd made their first stop in Dallas almost a week before, Kate knew that they'd packed the wrong clothes for the trip. They were used to fall in New York, where even though the sun would be shining, it was still cool enough for turtlenecks and jackets. When they stepped out of DFW Airport for the first leg of the Texas trip, the heat hammered both of them.

When they deplaned and made their way down to baggage claim on the escalator, Rick saw a man holding a sign with his name on it in huge block letters. "That must be our ride," he pointed out to Kate before walking up to the man. "I'm Richard Castle."

"I'm Derrick, Mr. Castle. I'll be your driver during your stay. Let me get a cart for your bags while you're waiting for them," he walked off before Rick and Kate could protest.

Within 20 minutes they had their bags and were following Derrick out to the curb where a black Town Car was awaiting them. They got into the back seat while the driver put their bags in the trunk before getting behind the wheel. "Derrick, this is my fiancée, Kate Beckett."

"Nice to meet you," Derrick greeted her politely as he pulled away from the curb. "Are you still booked at the Emily Morgan downtown?"

"Yes."

"Wonderful choice. You'll be close to the Riverwalk and the Alamo."

Kate was staring out of the window when the driver exited the airport parking lot and got on the freeway. Within minutes, she couldn't believe what she was seeing. "Castle, would you want to make love to the woman wearing those boots?"

Castle followed her finger and grinned. "Those boots must belong to Paul Bunyan's girlfriend."

The huge pair of cowboy boots was in front of a shopping mall. They were easily the size of a three or four story building. "I know that they say everything's bigger in Texas, but really?"

"Those boots have been there for as long as I can remember. They put lights on them at Christmas time. It's really pretty," Derrick told them.

"If I buy you a pair of cowboy boots, you have to wear them to bed," Castle whispered in her ear as Kate blushed. "What? I've let you handcuff me. Let me have my little fantasy."

She looked at him, her cheeks still feeling warm. He had been so wonderful this past week and she'd had such a good time. He was doing everything in his power to keep her mind off of her unemployed status, and for the most part he'd succeeded. He'd done what he needed to do during his stops in the cities they were visiting, but then he was all hers when he was done. In Dallas, they'd gone to Southfork Ranch and to the JFK memorial. In Houston, she'd given in to him and they'd visited the Johnson Space Center. In Austin, they'd gone to 6th Street and had gotten trashed, which had led to a rather interesting evening when they got back to the hotel. In Corpus, they'd gone to South Padre Island, where the water in the Gulf of Mexico was still warm enough to swim in.

Now here they were in San Antonio and Rick, being Rick, had read up all kinds of exciting things for them to do while they were in town. At the moment, he brought out his tour book and was showing her some of those things to do. "Tomorrow after I get finished with the morning show, we can get on one of the river barges and go down the river. Maybe visit the Alamo after."

Since both of them were history buffs, she knew she'd never have to drag him into a museum. In fact, she'd learned that he loved museums as much as she did. "Derrick, where's the nearest park to our hotel?" She asked the driver.

"Park, miss?" He asked.

"Yeah, park. You know, swings, grass, a playground."

"Well, Travis Park is downtown."

Kate looked at Castle as if to say 'How can a major city have no parks?' New York had literally hundreds of them. "I guess it's 'cause most kids here have yards to play in," Castle told her. "What about restaurants, Derrick? Can you recommend a great place for dinner?"

"There are several good restaurants on the Riverwalk. Do you like Mexican food?"

"Yes," Kate answered.

"Mi Tierra in Market Square is wonderful. It's not overly pricey, and the food is wonderful."

"How's that sound?" Castle smiled at Kate.

"It sounds great to me. I love a good margarita," she smiled back.

The Duke Suite at the hotel was beautiful. The bellboy unlocked the door and led them inside before walking over and opening the curtains on the sliding glass doors. Castle thanked him and tipped him, closing the door behind him. Kate was standing at the doors looking out on the view. From their balcony, they had a clear view of the Alamo and the six flags that stood guard in front of it. "Wow, Castle," she breathed, smiling when she felt him wrap his arms around her.

"Nice, huh?" He kissed her neck.

"Let's go and explore," she turned to smile at him.

"Okay. What time do you want to go to dinner? I've got Derrick's number, so that he can drive us to the restaurant."

"Around six, I guess. What time are you supposed to be at the TV studio in the morning?"

"The show airs at nine, so I have to be there by seven so that I can get ready. Come with me," he urged her.

She smiled at him. Up until now she hadn't gone with him to the tapings of the other shows that he'd done. For the most part, Castle kept her out of the publicity part of his life because he knew that she was embarrassed by the attention. She'd gone to book signings and launch parties, but nothing else. "Why do you want me to go, Castle? Are you afraid that you're going to get hit on?"

"I want you to go because I like showing you off," he kissed her. "And, I'm afraid that I'm going to get hit on."

"In that case, I'll go so that I can protect you. Come on, let's go explore the Alamo."

They dressed in more comfortable clothes before leaving the hotel and walking across to the cradle of Texas Independence. The first thing they were struck by when they walked into the mission was the size of it. "Is it just me or did it seem larger when Billy Bob Thornton was defending it?" Castle whispered to Kate, referring to the movie biography of the historic Texas battle.

"Your loft is bigger than this," she looked into the small rooms where the defenders had stayed, and where most of them had died.

As they walked through, they read the many plaques and then walked outside to explore the other small buildings on the grounds. They couldn't enter the other buildings, but they read every plaque. They took pictures of the statues and of each other in front of the Alamo. Afterwards, they walked across the street to RiverCenter Mall, wandering around hand in hand, window shopping. Finally, Castle bought them ice cream and they sat on the patio on the San Antonio River, waving at tourists on the river barges. "Derrick suggested that the best time to ride the barges is at night. Maybe we can ride one after dinner tonight."

"I'd like that," she smiled. "Castle, I've had the best time. Thank you for bringing me with you."

"I wasn't about to be away from you again, Kate. It was hard enough when you were in D.C. and I was in New York. When I thought that I was dying—" he stopped when he saw the look on Kate's face. "I asked Rachel if you were going to be okay. Without me, I mean. She told me that you were going to be fine."

"Castle, I wouldn't have been okay," she whispered. "I mean, job-wise, I would've been able to do my job. But, my heart would've been destroyed. I would've gone back to that same dark place that I found myself in when you first met me."

"I heard you calling me when I collapsed on the grass. But I couldn't answer you. I couldn't even open my eyes to look at you, to let you know with my eyes how much I love you."

"Hey, do we have to talk about this now?" She took his hand. "I know that we haven't really talked about what happened in D.C., but do we have to talk about it now?"

"No. I'm sorry," he gave her a small smile.

"Castle, its okay," she reached out and touched his face. "Come on, let's do some more walking. Let's see if we can spot the tourists like we always do in New York."

"Hey, we're tourists," he pointed out to her.

"But, we can fake it," she smiled, standing up and taking his hand.

When they walked back into their room an hour and a half later, they were laughing so hard that they were falling into each other. "Okay, so the tourists are the ones who wear huge cameras around their necks," she fell across the bed, still laughing. "But, green shorts with black socks? Did that guy even look in the mirror before he left his hotel room?"

"I like it here. If nothing else, we're seeing a whole new brand of tourists. These people wouldn't last five seconds in Times Square," he flopped down beside her.

"But, do you want to know the most frightening thought? What if some of these people are native New Yorkers?"

"If they are, they should be locked up by the fashion police."

She moved closer and rested her head on his shoulder. Since the engagement, she'd found herself much more open toward him in terms of affection. But, since his recovery, she'd found herself constantly feeling the need to reassure herself that he was fine. She'd find herself waking up several times during the night just so she could reach out and touch him. Most mornings she woke up wrapped up in his arms, so she knew that he was reaching out in the night for her, also.

"Let's take a short nap before we get ready to go to dinner," he smiled down at her with a suggestive gleam in his eye. She returned his smile, before reaching her hand around to pull his head down to her for a long, slow kiss.

Rick arranged for Derrick to bring the car around at five o'clock so that they could walk around Market Square before going to dinner. There were several small shops and booths that sold hand crafted items. Kate fell in love with the colorful dresses in one of the shops. Rick decided to bring her back after dinner to buy her as many as she wanted. He loved how her eyes lit up when she saw something that she liked.

They found the restaurant easily. It was decorated inside and out with Christmas lights. They were quickly shown to a table where Rick ordered a margarita for Kate and a beer for himself. They looked over the menu while they waited for their drinks to arrive. The waiter brought their drinks over and they both ordered. "I can't wait until we get back home and you officially move in with me," he grinned.

"You say that now, until you have to make room for my stuff," she took his hands in hers, playing teasing games with her fingers.

"No, Kate. I've wanted you to move in for a long time. Believe me, I will have no problem making room for your stuff," he leaned toward her and kissed her.

After dinner, Rick took Kate back to the shop where she'd admired the Mexican dresses and bought her four of them over her objections. "Castle, I don't need you buying me things," she hissed at him. "I'm not destitute, yet."

"Hey, I'm not doing this because you're unemployed," he argued with her. "I'm doing this because I saw how your eyes lit up when you first saw them. I like watching your eyes light up like that. So, that's why I'm buying the dresses. Any other arguments?"

"No, I can't think of any," she smiled brightly as the proprietress rang up the purchase.

_It's long been on my mind,_

_You know, it's been a long, long time_

_I've tried to find a way that I could make you understand_

_The way I feel about you, just how much I need you_

_To be there where I can talk to you when there's no one else around_

_Follow me_

_Where I go, what I do, and who I know_

_Make it part of you to be a part of me_

_Follow me_

_Up and down, all the way and all around_

_Take my hand and say you'll follow me_

After leaving Market Square, Derrick took them back to the hotel where they stayed long enough for Kate to drop her new dresses off in the room. They then went down to the Riverwalk where they got on one of the barges for the short tour down the river. Their guide was entertaining as he pointed out various buildings and attractions along the route.

The air was still warm even though it was October. As the barge went down the river, Kate and Castle enjoyed the twinkling lights of the buildings along the river. It was a romantic ride, but far too short. Before they knew it, they were being let off near the entrance to the mall they'd visited earlier that afternoon. When they got back to the hotel, they took a shower together, before going to bed and making love before falling asleep.

It was Castle's harsh breathing and his calling out her name that woke Kate up sometime later. She could feel him thrashing beside her as she jolted awake. "Castle?" She whispered his name, gently shaking his chest. "Rick? Hey, it's okay. Wake up. Rick?" She said his name once more before his eyelids fluttered opened and he tried to focus his sleepy eyes on her. "You were dreaming."

"Kate?" Her name came out on a rasp, much like it had after he'd awakened in the hospital in D.C. "I could hear you calling me, but I couldn't answer you."

"I know," she kissed his forehead, and then his cheek before finally pressing her lips to his, drinking him in. She could feel his heart hammering under his t-shirt, so she slipped her hand under it to feel the warmth of his bare skin under her palm. "But, I'm here now."

She moaned when he tightened his arms around her, pulling her closer to him. She could feel the desperation in his touch, in his kiss. It had been like this since he'd come out of the hospital. Some nights he'd wake up three to five times a night, seeking her out. Before this trip she hadn't fully understood why. But after hearing about his conversation with Rachel, she saw things more clearly. She found it hard to believe that her former partner had actually told Castle that she'd be fine if he were to die, like it was no big deal. It had taken her all of her adult life to find him. She wasn't about to lose him now.

***CCC***

They both simultaneously groaned when the alarms on their cell phones went off within minutes of each other. "Castle, I can't move," she complained when she tried to reach for her phone on the night stand beside her side of the bed, instead finding herself tangled up in the warmth of her fiancé's body.

"I'm comfortable," he grumbled back.

"If you want the noise to stop, you need to move at least one part of your body."

"Fine," he rolled over and sat up. "I'm going to call room service and have coffee sent up. Do you want breakfast?"

"After earlier this morning?" She rolled over to grin at him. "I _need _breakfast. What time is Derrick picking us up?"

"Six-thirty. He said the TV station isn't very far away."

"Order breakfast while I'm in the shower," she walked over and kissed him, noticing how adorably rumpled he looked.

"Bacon and eggs okay?" He rubbed at his eyes like a small child, like her nine-year-old on a sugar rush, she thought for the thousandth time.

"Perfect," she kissed him once more.

After breakfast, Derrick picked them up and drove them a few blocks away to the local TV station where Castle was making an appearance on their morning show. The makeup woman gushed over his books while she got him ready. Sitting in a nearby chair to watch, Kate couldn't help smiling as she listened to the woman. By now, she was used to his fans gushing over him. At first, it had made her jealous, but at the end of the day, she knew that he came home to her. It made her fiercely proud to know that he was all hers.

After he was done with makeup, one of the hosts came out to show Kate where she could sit during the show. She found herself in an audience of about 100 people. After the two hosts and the weatherman discussed the local news and weather, the young female host, whose first name was Natalie, introduced Rick. "So, _Deadly Heat _is out in stores now," she began. "Can you tell us how you get the inspiration for some of the plots of your books?"

"Well, some of it is from things that I read or see on the news. But, most of it has come from the time that I've spent consulting with the NYPD," Rick said as Kate smiled.

"And, we understand that you have recently gotten engaged," Natalie gushed.

"Yes, I have," Rick looked toward Kate with a huge grin on his face. "My fiancée, Kate Beckett, is my inspiration for Nikki Heat."

"Wow, your face tells our audience how happy you are," the other host interjected. "Ms. Beckett is a lucky young lady."

"Oh, I don't know. I like to think that I'm the lucky one. Her smile lights up my whole world," he looked at her once again as she bit her lip and shyly cast her eyes down.

That comment alone made her want to take him back to their hotel room, rip his clothes off, and fuck him senseless, but there wasn't time. He had a book signing to get to after the taping of the morning show, so after a quick lunch, Derrick drove them to the Barnes & Noble. From one until three, Kate stood and watched him sign books for hundreds of fans. She wasn't paying much attention to what was going on around her when she heard a woman next to her. "You're her, aren't you?" Kate turned to find a young woman in her mid-20's standing beside her. "You're Nikki Heat?"

"No, I'm Kate Beckett," Kate quickly corrected her.

"I saw Castle on the morning show this morning and I thought that what he said about you was the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my life."

"So did I," Kate shyly agreed.

"Congratulations," she said before she moved on.

Kate knew that the book signings exhausted him. It was hard to sit for two hours, and make chit-chat with people that he didn't know from Adam. To have to repeat the same rote responses over and over. After he was done, he sought her out and looped an arm around her as he went to buy them both coffees. "At least they don't ask you to sign their chests, anymore," she pointed out after he'd finished grousing.

"Oh, some of them do, but I respectfully decline."

"Well, you'd better," she smiled up at him.

"So, did I embarrass you this morning?"

"Yes, but that's also the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my life."

"I meant it, you know?"

"I know, but do you know what it made me want to do?" She pulled his head down so that she could whisper in his ear. "I wanted to take you back to our room, rip your clothes off and fuck you senseless."

"Well, the rest of my afternoon is free," he grinned at her as she rolled her eyes. "Hey, do you want to just have dinner in the hotel restaurant tonight? We have to leave early in the morning, so I was thinking we could just do something quiet tonight."

"Okay," she was agreeable as they walked out to the waiting car.

"Are you glad to be heading back home?"

"Honestly? Yes. This has been nice, but it isn't home."

"That's why I always look forward to the end of book tours. The different cities are fun in the beginning, but it all looks the same by the end."

_You see, I'd like to share my life with you_

_Show you things I've seen_

_Places that I'm going to, places where I've been_

_To have you there beside me, to never be alone_

_And all the time when you're with me, then we will be at home_

_Follow me_

_Where I go, what I do, and who I know_

_Make it part of you to be a part of me_

_Follow me_

_Up and down, all the way and all around_

_Take my hand and say you'll follow me_

That evening, Kate was lying in bed, wrapped up in one of the huge robes from the hotel, waiting for Castle to join her in bed. All of their things had been packed except for what they were wearing to the airport in the morning. She was leafing through a magazine while she waited for him to get out of the shower.

True to her promise, when they'd arrived back in their room earlier that afternoon, she'd attacked him with a ferocity that soon left of them sated and breathless. They'd slept for a couple of hours before getting up, and dressing for dinner. After dinner, they'd found a small piano bar nearby where they'd had a couple of drinks and listened to the music. It had been after nine when they're returned to the hotel to pack. Both of them were more than happy for the trip to be ending. She knew that he missed Alexis, while she was anxious to get home and see what she could find in the way of job prospects.

She looked up and found him staring at her from the bathroom doorway, a towel wrapped loosely around his hips. Just the way he was looking at her made her breath hitch. He walked over to the bed and got in beside her, drawing her close and untying the belt on her bathrobe, opening it up to his hungry, admiring gaze. His lips found her neck as she sighed contentedly.

His hand cupped her breast as her nipple instantly hardened under his palm. He moved her so that she was lying on her back as he opened the robe to his questing hands and mouth. She made a low sound in her throat when he moved from her neck down to her breast, taking her nipple into his mouth and teasing it with his lips and tongue. When she reached down to touch him under his towel, he grabbed her wrists and pinned them down by her sides. "I know that you like fast paced," he looked up at her. "But, as much as I liked being fucked senseless," she grinned at the words she'd used on him earlier that afternoon, "right now, I want to worship every inch of you."

"It's hard to argue with that kind of logic," she continued grinning at him, a grin that was cut off by a sharp moan when he returned to her breast.

She felt him encircle the round scar between her breasts, tracing it with his tongue and fingers before taking her other nipple into his mouth, laving it with his tongue. He let go of her wrists and she wrapped them into his hair, holding him close to her as he continued worshipping her. She felt the cool air in the room hitting her breasts when he left to move further down, tracing the longer scar under her rib cage reverently, as he did every time they made love. She hated that scar more than the small one where the bullet had slammed into her chest. The first time they'd made love, she'd been uncomfortable with Castle seeing it. He'd quickly comforted her, telling her that those scars proved that she was a survivor.

"Castle," she groaned out his name as she felt him kissing his way down her stomach, circling her navel with his tongue before moving lower still.

She arched her back and cried out his name when she felt him touching her wet folds lightly with two fingers, drawing lazy figure eights over her clitoris before he replaced his fingers with his lips and tongue. And when he said that he was worshipping her, he meant it. He took his time, slowly drawing her to peak after peak of the most unbelievable pleasure she'd ever known in her life. She barely had time to come back to herself from one orgasm when he was bringing her up to another one.

"Castle, stop!" She finally couldn't take any more. Her body felt like it was made of jell-o as she was vaguely aware of him moving back up her body and wrapping her into his arms. "That was incredible. You must need to come so badly," she reached down to wrap her hand around him, feeling him hard as steel in the palm of her hand.

"I love you so much, Kate," he whispered against her neck, before placing his hand over hers and using them both to guide him into her, sighing at the sensation of her warmth and wetness enveloping him.

Their hands were everywhere as they fell into a now familiar rhythm. It didn't take Kate long to realize, however, that he was waiting for her. "Rick, let go," she urged him. "I'm not sure if I can again."

"Oh, I don't know about that," he reached down to where their bodies were joined and rubbed her lightly with his fingers, feeling her jolt around him. "Come with me, Kate. Please?"

She reached down and placed her fingers over his, guiding him as she felt her insides coiling. With her free hand, she brought his mouth down to hers, her tongue attacking the inside of his mouth. With a scream of delight, she tightened around him as she came almost painfully around him. Within seconds, he also cried out as she felt the warmth of him coming deep inside of her.

She felt him rolling to one side and pulling her into the familiar warmth of him. "I'd never be okay without you, Castle. Never," she kissed his neck and stroked his stomach.

"Me, either," he smiled at her with blue eyes that were so full of love for her that it made her feel shy. "When we get back to the city, we'll talk about D.C. Okay?"

"Okay," she kissed him before settling down against him and falling into a deep dreamless sleep.

**A/N #3: You can Google the giant cowboy boots in front of North Star Mall. They've been there since 1980. **

**A/N #4: Mi Tierra in Market Square has been around for a very long time. The bakery is almost as well known as the restaurant.**

**I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960. Please read and review. **


	6. Chapter 6--Best Friends and Sisters

**Disclaimers: I don't own 'Castle.' Do I wish I did? Uh, yeah.**

**Summary: Reflecting on the friendship between Kate and Lanie using 'Thank You for Being a Friend' by Andrew Gold. I'm going AU back before the series started to post-Season 6 stuff. There will be spoilers for previous episodes.**

**A/N #1: I love Lanie and I'm so glad that with 'Disciple' which airs next week, she's finally going to get her own episode. She's been a great friend to both Castle and Beckett, not holding back with either of them. Every girl wants a girlfriend like that.**

Chapter 6: Best Friends and Sisters for Life

_Thank you for being a friend_

_Traveled down the road and back again_

_Your heart is true_

_You're a pal and a confidant_

_I'm not ashamed to say_

_I hope it always will stay this way_

_My hat is off_

_Won't you stand up and take a bow_

The group sitting around the table was laughing at yet another tale from Mike Royce. The young medical examiner couldn't help but notice that Royce's young trainee seemed to be hanging on his every word. Dr. Lanie Parish had seen Officer Kate Beckett and her training officer, Mike Royce, at a few crime scenes, but she'd never actually met Officer Beckett until this evening when a group had gotten together for drinks at their favorite watering hole.

It was when Royce got up to go to the bathroom that Lanie worked up the courage to confront the young woman sitting to her right. "You've got a crush on him, don't you?"

"Excuse me?" Kate looked at the young woman sitting next to her. She gave her a look that said 'I have no idea what you're talking about.'

"Girl, please," Lanie scoffed. "It's so obvious that you might as well have a flashing neon sign hanging over your head."

"I . . . don't have a crush on anybody," Kate argued as Lanie looked at her with an arched eyebrow. "I mean, sure Royce is funny, but he's . . . older than me and—"

"And _nothing_. I don't blame you. He's great at telling tall tales. You do realize that most of his stories are bullshit, don't you?"

"Yeah," Kate said slowly, wondering who in the hell this woman was that she was talking to. She knew that she worked for the coroner's office, but that was about the extent of it.

"I'm Dr. Lanie Parish, by the way. I've seen you at accident scenes, but we've never been introduced."

"Kate Beckett. How long have you known Royce?"

"Not very long, just long enough to know that he's a world class B.S. artist. So, how long have you been his partner?"

"Uh, six months. He's my training officer, so I'll be on my own pretty soon. So, you work for the medical examiner's office?" Kate looked at her new friend. "That must be . . . interesting."

"Is that a euphemism for gross? Sometimes it is. But, the detectives deal with gross in your neck of the woods."

"That's where I want to be someday," Kate smiled sadly. "I want to give voices to the victims."

"That's a nice goal. So, do you have a boyfriend or are you planning on hooking up with Mr. B.S. Artist?"

"No boyfriend, and Royce is a great friend, but I don't think he's someone I'd want to hook up with."

"So, you're just going to keep staring at him with Love Eyeballs and hanging on his every word," Lanie stared at her new friend.

"Pretty much," Kate sighed.

***CCC***

_And if you threw a party_

_Invited everyone you knew_

_You would see the biggest gift would be from me_

_And the card attached would say, 'Thank you for being a friend'_

_Thank you for being a friend_

_Thank you for being a friend_

_Thank you for being a friend_

After that first night, the two women became fast friends. They'd have dinner once or twice a week or go to the movies. They'd hook each other up with friends or friends of friends, but neither of them was ready to get serious.

They'd been friends for well over a year, but Lanie still knew little about Kate's life outside of work and what the two women shared in regards to their love lives. That all changed on a raw night in January. The two women had gone out to dinner and out for drinks afterwards. Kate had drunk a lot of wine with dinner, and now she was downing tequila shots like they were water. "Wow girl, you might want to slow down a little," Lanie warned her as Kate downed her second shot in 30 seconds. "Rough day at the office?"

"If I have to hear one more senior detective tell me to 'file this for me, sweetie,' I'm going to kick someone's ass," Kate warned.

Kate had made detective a few months before and she'd learned that it was a whole different ballgame being a detective than it was being a patrol officer. Even though she'd proved her mettle to her captain, most of the men she worked for were resentful. "It's rough being a woman in a male dominated profession," Lanie commiserated. "You've seen what I have to work with."

"I'll take Perlmutter any day over some of the assholes I have to work with. Even the new guy who just came in is on their side. And I was there first," Kate held up her finger for another shot.

"I didn't know there was a new guy. What's his name? Is he cute?" Lanie grinned at her friend.

"He came over from the 54th. His name's Esposito. I guess he's cute, if you like that type."

"What type?"

"Male chauvinist asshole type."

"Is there something else bothering you? Besides the jerks in the bullpen. I couldn't help but notice that you were quiet during dinner."

"I'm always quiet," Kate reminded her.

"Okay, quieter than usual."

"Um, my mom . . . she died four years ago today."

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry."

"I need . . . I need to get out of here," Kate suddenly got up, almost falling over when she stood up.

"Come on, I'll make sure that you get home okay." 

"Lanie, I just need to be—"

"No, I'm not leaving you alone tonight. Come on, I'll get you home."

When they got to Kate's tiny apartment, Lanie put on some coffee. While they waited for the coffee, Kate took two aspirin before sitting on the sofa. "She was murdered," she blurted out as Lanie stared at her, not quite understanding what her friend was talking about. "My mom. She was murdered. I know that you were wondering. I'd love to be able to say that it was cancer or she got hit by a stupid New York cab driver, but instead she was murdered."

"Did they . . . did the police find the person who did it?" Lanie asked as Kate shook her head. "So, that's why you wanted to be a detective. You said that you wanted to give voices to the victims."

"I've been in therapy for a few months. It was destroying me. The not talking about it, not being able to find answers. When I first became a cop, I'd spend every spare second going over her file, trying to find anything that the detectives missed. Hoping that maybe my fresh eyes would catch something that they didn't."

"What about your dad?"

"My dad," Kate sighed, running a hand through her short, dark hair. "My dad has been drunk almost non-stop since a week after her funeral. He doesn't talk about it; he doesn't even acknowledge my existence. I've become convinced that I'm just a constant reminder of her, so I stay away."

"So, except for your therapist, you don't have anybody to talk to?"

"Well, it's kind of a morbid topic of conversation, don't you think?"

"Kate, I'm not talking about just the murder itself. Don't you have anybody to talk to about what you're feeling; about how much you miss her, stuff like that?"

"Isn't that what we're doing now?" Kate smiled ruefully at her friend.

"Do you mind if I ask how it happened?" Lanie sat on the sofa beside Kate and took her of her hands.

"They found her in an alley. She'd been stabbed several times. It wasn't a robbery or a sexual assault," Kate looked at Lanie. "That was going to be your next question."

"Sweetie, I'm so sorry."

"Please don't say that, Lanie," tears began running down Kate's cheeks. "After her death, I got so sick of hearing those three words. God, I miss her so much!"

She broke down as Lanie pulled her close and let her cry. Eventually Kate fell into a half-exhausted, half-drunken sleep on her living room couch, so Lanie found a comforter in a closet and covered her up with it, before quietly leaving the apartment.

***CCC***

Over nine years of friendship, Lanie had seen the men come and the men go from Kate Beckett's life. Lanie noticed that her friend never let anybody in, at least not for very long. And they never got too close. The second that they did, Kate would do something to sabotage the relationship.

Lanie met Richard Castle during the Alison Tisdale murder investigation. He'd come up to her and introduced himself at a murder scene. Over the course of the next three years, they'd investigated dozens of murders. It didn't take Lanie long to see that her friend had feelings for the writer. Feelings that she didn't want to admit to.

Castle had been the one to tell her about what he'd found when he'd looked at the murder file for Johanna Beckett. He told her about the other murders. So, when Jack Coonan ended up on her table and she saw the wound patterns, she suspected. But after she called Dr. Murray in for a consultation, there was no doubt in her mind. Telling Kate had been the hardest thing she'd ever had to do in her life. Watching her best friend storm out of Montgomery's office and out of the bullpen had been devastating.

She tried to call her for hours afterward, but her phone went straight to voice mail. Finally, she decided to just to go to her apartment and stand there all night if she needed to. Fortunately, she hadn't needed to. Kate had answered her knock and let her in. "I've been calling you all afternoon," Lanie accused, following Kate into her apartment.

"I know. I didn't feel like talking. I had to talk to my dad and then I went to talk to Castle."

"What did they say?"

"My dad reminded me that my mother was a firm believer in the truth. I told Castle that I want to find the person who killed my mom. I'm meeting him in a little while at the precinct."

"Are you okay? Kate, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner, but I wanted to be sure. Castle told me weeks ago when he was in the wagon with me. The night of the body snatching."

"I wish he hadn't started investigating it, Lanie," tears came to Kate's eyes for what felt like the hundredth time that day. "I told him to leave it alone."

"And now?"

"I don't know. One part of me wants to know, but I had finally managed to put it away."

"Kate, you might think that you put it away, but it's always been there. It's always been a part of who you are. Your dad's right. Your mom would want you to get to the bottom of this."

***CCC***

_If it's a car you lack,_

_I'd surely buy you a Cadillac_

_Whatever you need,_

_Anytime of the day or night_

_I'm not ashamed to say_

_I hope it always will stay this way_

_My hat is off_

_Won't you stand up and take a bow_

The night that Castle was arrested for murdering Tessa Horton, Lanie went to Kate's to see how her friend was holding up. She was shocked by what she found. Kate was a wreck. She looked like she'd been crying for hours. Lanie knew that there was something more going on than one friend being worried about another. She handed Kate a fresh box of tissues, poured her a glass of wine and sat on the end of the sofa, waiting for her long-time friend to spill. "You've been together since May?" Lanie squeaked out after Kate told her. "Does anybody else know?"

"Yeah. His mother and Alexis have known for a while, so has Ryan. Espo just found out when this started to break opened."

"Sweetie, why didn't you say anything?"

"Because no one was supposed to know!" Fresh tears fell down Kate's face. "If Gates finds out, she's going to kick him out of the precinct and probably bring me up on ethics violations."

"Kate, you've known me long enough to know that I can keep my mouth shut. So, except for the murder charge, how has it been?"

"Are you seriously asking about my sex life now?"

"Why not? I've gotta do something to lighten up the mood. So, spill."

Kate smiled as she played with the tissue in her hand. "Well, the reality of sex with Richard Castle is much better than anything he can put on paper. That's why I know that he didn't do this, Lanie."

"Because of the incredible, 'We're doing it every night' sex?"

"Actually, it's usually more than once a night, but no, that isn't why. The day that I got shot, when he was kneeling over me, Castle told me that he loved me. I fought it for almost a year. He didn't do this because he's not going to do that to us."

***CCC***

_And when we both get older_

_With walking canes and hair of gray_

_Have no fear, even though it's hard to hear_

_I will stand real close and say_

_Thank you for being a friend_

_I wanna thank you_

_Thank you for being a friend_

_I wanna thank you_

_Thank you for being a friend_

_I wanna thank you_

_Let me tell you about_

_I wanna thank you_

_Thank you for being a friend_

_I wanna thank you_

"Lanie, I have something to tell you. Well, two things actually," Kate sounded excited over the phone, more excited than Lanie had ever heard her.

"Okay, let's meet at The Old Haunt at six," Lanie suggested.

"Perfect."

When Lanie walked into Castle's bar shortly after six, Kate was already at their usual booth with drinks and a basket of Buffalo wings. "So, where's Writer-Boy?"

"He'll be here later. Lanie, you've been my best friend for a long time, so I wanted to talk to you alone before Castle and the boys get here."

"That sounds ominous," Lanie's eyes darkened, but one look at Kate's face, which looked so happy that she was about to burst piqued her curiosity.

"I wanted to tell you yesterday, but I kind of got tied up. I don't know which bit of news I should share first. Lanie, they offered me the job in D.C. and I accepted it. I leave in a week."

"A week? Kate, I'm happy for you, but a week? Where does that leave you and Castle?"

"Lanie, Castle . . . he asked me to marry him," Kate held her left hand out so that Lanie could see her ring.

"Oh my god!" Lanie leaped from her seat and came over to give Kate a massive bear hug. "Have you decided when?"

"No, we're just enjoying the moment. Lanie, I thought that he was going to break up with me. You should've seen how serious he looked."

"I want details and don't you dare leave anything out," Lanie told her after she sat back down in her seat.

By the time Castle and the boys arrived, the girls were laughing and crying in the booth. "So, I take it that she's happy with our announcement," Castle slid into the booth beside Kate, kissing her softly.

"Are you kidding?" Lanie leaped back up so that she could embrace Castle tightly. "I've been waiting for this moment for four years!"

"So have I," Castle beamed.

***CCC***

"Lanie, Castle's in the hospital."

"Kate, what happened? Is he going to be okay? Are you in New York?"

"No, he's here in D.C. He came out to surprise me for the weekend. Anyway, you know Castle. He has to stick his nose where it doesn't belong. Only this time, he ended up in a car where someone had put a toxic agent in the ventilation system. Lanie," Kate's voice choked up.

"Sweetie, you hang on. I'll be on the first flight out."

When Lanie arrived in D.C. early that evening, she took a cab straight to the hospital where she found Kate sitting with a woman a few years older, with curly shoulder length hair and dressed in a pants suit similar to Kate's. Lanie assumed the woman was Kate's new partner. The two women hugged tightly. "How is he?" Lanie asked.

"Tired, but he's going to be okay. We found the antidote with literally minutes to spare. Lanie, this is my partner, Rachel McCord. Rachel, this is my best friend, Dr. Lanie Parish."

"Maybe you can convince her to go home and get some rest. I haven't been terribly successful and neither has Mr. Castle's family."

"Can I see him?" Lanie asked as Kate nodded.

Kate led Lanie into Castle's room where he was dozing. There were monitors all over the place, which made the medical examiner wonder just how bad it had been. "Castle?" Kate whispered as Castle's eyes fluttered opened. "Look who's here."

"Castle, what the hell kind of a mess have you gotten yourself into?"

"Hey, Lanie," Castle groaned. "You'll have to forgive me for not getting up."

"I ought to kick your ass, is what I ought to do. When are you going to learn to stay out of trouble?"

"I think the lesson has finally sunk in. I'm glad that you're here. Maybe you can get Kate to go home and tell her to stop hovering. After all, she hates it when I do it."

"Castle—"

"Kate, go home. I'm getting out of here tomorrow. Rachel's letting you take me home and nurse me for three days. I promise I'll let you hover as much as you want when you get me home."

"Come on, Kate," Lanie urged her. "Let Martha and Alexis take care of him for a while."

"I'll be back later, babe," Kate leaned over the bed and softly kissed Castle before stroking her fingers through his hair.

"Tomorrow, Kate. I don't want to see you until morning. Please?" He pleaded with her until she nodded. "Lanie, are you staying tonight?"

"I'll stay as long as you want me to."

"Take her keys away from her when she gets home. I'm just going to sleep."

"Okay, Castle. You get some rest."

When they went down to the lobby, Lanie looked at her friend and held her hands out as Kate looked askance at her. "Give me your keys. You can direct me to the house."

They reclaimed Kate's car and Lanie got behind the wheel, adjusting the seat and the mirrors. She glanced over at Kate as she followed her directions to Kate's condo. "Thanks for coming, Lanie."

"You're welcome, sweetie. How long has he been in the hospital?"

"Two days. Even after they gave him the antidote, he was touch and go for a long time. He didn't even wake up until yesterday. The doctor said that he'll make a full recovery, but it's going to take several weeks."

"How did he get mixed up in all of this?"

"It's a long story, Lanie, and there's so much of it that I can't tell you because it involves national security. I'm sorry," Kate looked at her friend. "Castle was just being Castle. It's just that this time it almost cost him his life."

When they walked into Kate's condo, Lanie couldn't help but notice that most of Kate's possessions were still in packing boxes. "Do you have any wine?"

"Yeah, there's some . . . some in the refrigerator," Kate sat down on the couch.

Lanie found some glasses and poured wine in each one. When she turned to come back into the living room, she stopped when she saw Kate sobbing into her hands. Lanie quickly put the glasses down and came over to the couch where she sat and pulled her friend close. "He's okay, Kate," she soothed her.

"He was on the ground and he was gray, Lanie! I thought that he was dead! It was like déjà vu in reverse. I hate being away from him! What if he relapses?"

"Sweetie, he's fine," Lanie pulled back and looked at her friend. "You're going to bring him back here tomorrow and you'll start planning the rest of your lives together. Isn't it so much better now that you can freely admit how much you love him?"

"I can't do this, Lanie. I made an awful mistake."

"A mistake about what? The job or accepting Castle's proposal?"

"The job. This wouldn't have happened to Castle if I'd stayed in New York."

"Kate, this is Castle that we're talking about. If he hadn't gotten poisoned, he would've just gotten into some other kind of trouble."

"I guess you're right," she wiped at her face.

"How long has it been since you've gotten any sleep?"

"I don't know. I couldn't sleep until I knew that he was okay."

"Well, now you can. Turn your phone off and get some sleep."

***CCC***

_And when we die_

_And go away_

_I'll say a prayer_

_And once again I'll say_

_Thank you for being a friend_

"Can I come in?" Lanie stuck her head in the door, smiling at the sight of her best friend holding the pink-wrapped bundle in her arms.

"Yes," Kate beamed at Lanie, who entered the room and closed the door behind her. "Look, Lanie. I'm a mom."

"Oh my god," Lanie could barely breathe. "She's gorgeous. Where's Castle?"

"He went home to get the Mercedes. He'll be back soon. I'm glad that you're here. Castle and I have been talking. Lanie, we want you to be Ariel's godmother."

"Sweetie—"

"Lanie, I'd never choose anybody else. You've been there for everything. You were there telling me how I felt about Rick when I didn't want to listen. You were there when I fell in love with him. You stood by my side when I married him. You were the first person I told about the pregnancy after my father. You're more than my best friend, Lanie. You're the sister I've never had. Ariel's going to need a tough second mom to give her advice when I can't be there. Or to be her partner in crime. Please say that you'll be her godmother."

"Oh sweetie, I would be so honored," Lanie hugged Kate as the baby began to fuss.

"Would you like to hold her?" Kate held the blanket-wrapped bundle toward her friend.

"Ariel, this is your Auntie Lanie," Lanie told the baby, who stared at her with huge eyes. "I'm going to be your best friend, and your toughest critic. Just ask your mom how I can be on that front. You've got the best mommy and daddy in the whole world. But, you've also got an extended family that is always going to have your back."

Watching her friend and her newborn daughter, Kate thought about how far the two of them had come. She couldn't think of a better person to be there for Ariel and her future children in the event that her and Rick couldn't be there. Not only had she found a best friend that night so long ago, but she'd also gotten a sister that she wouldn't trade for the world.

**A/N #2: Please read and review. I want to thank everybody whose read, reviewed, and put me and the story on their favorites list, so far. You guys are the best.**

**I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960.**


	7. Chapter 7--My Memories of Love Will Be

**Disclaimers: No, I don't. But Christmas is coming. Maybe Marlowe & Co. will let me write an episode.**

**Summary: Post 6x02 'Dreamworld.' Kate tries to deal with her fears regarding Castle's poisoning while she tries to find the antidote. Contains spoilers for the episode.**

**A/N #1: The song for this chapter is 'Perhaps Love' by John Denver and Placido Dominguez. While I was listening to this song, tears were running down my face because I think the words perfectly fit the emotions that Kate was probably feeling in this episode. I loved 'Dreamworld,' but I hated the fact that Kate had to act strong, although I'm pretty sure that she was dying inside.**

**A/N #2: This chapter will have tie-in's to the previous two chapters. **

Chapter 7: My Memories of Love Will Be of You

_Perhaps love is like a resting place,_

_A shelter from the storm_

_It exists to give you comfort_

_It is there to keep you warm_

_And in those times of trouble when you are most alone_

_The memory of love will bring you home_

"Hey? We're going to find whoever's behind this. And when we do, we're going to get that antidote, because I'm not letting you out of our engagement that easily," Kate told Castle after she told him the shocking news that he'd been poisoned and only had about a day to live if they didn't find an antidote.

Staring into her deep green eyes, Castle could see the fear that lurked in them, but he also saw her incredible strength. He hoped that she could be strong enough for them both because he was terrified. "Kate, I'm sorry."

"Don't say that," she warned him. "Have we ever gotten into a situation that we couldn't get out of?"

"No, but we've never had a situation where one of us had less than a day to live either."

"Castle, I can't deal with this if you're already going to give up."

"I'm not giving up, Kate. I'm just saying—"

"Beckett," they looked to the doorway where Kate's partner, Rachel McCord, was standing. "We need to get to work."

"Okay. We'll be right there," Kate turned back to Castle, reaching for his hand and giving it a squeeze.

Kate's first moment of frustration came when her supervisor, Agent Villante, wouldn't allow Castle to come with her and Rachel to track down leads. One part of her wanted to go into the restroom, disappear into a stall and cry until she was exhausted. But she knew that would only waste time when they could be out there looking for an antidote.

Castle could see her frustration. "Kate, it's okay. I'll stay here and see what I can do to help out around here. Besides, that doctor from Walter Reed is going to be here soon. I'll call you if you need to come back."

"Okay. Take it easy. Promise me?"

"Go," he urged her, longing to kiss her, but knowing that this wasn't the time or the place. There'd be time to comfort each other later after this was all over. Hopefully, by the end of the day they'd be laughing about this over glasses of her favorite red wine. The one that made her . . . he seriously needed to stop thinking about that right now.

***CCC***

_Perhaps love is like a window_

_Perhaps an open door_

_It invites you to come closer,_

_It wants to show you more_

_And even if you lose yourself and don't know what to do_

_The memory of love will see you through_

"Was he always such a character?" Rachel asked as they went to hunt down leads.

"Yeah. It's one of the things that I love about him," Kate smiled.

"Kate, I know that you want to be with him, but we have a job to do."

"I know. Let's just do this, so that I can be with him."

"So, you told me that Castle shadowed you for research for a book. When did you realize that you were in love with him?"

"It was funny because everybody seemed to know it before we did. When I got shot, Castle tried to save me by tackling me. I was lying there bleeding to death and he begged me to stay with him, not to leave him. Then he told me that he loved me. I had trouble dealing with that for almost a year. I don't know if it was because I wasn't ready to hear it or what, but I almost blew it."

"Kate, we're going to find the antidote. And Castle's going to be fine."

Back at FBI Headquarters, Castle met with Dr. Goldberg, who gave him a shot to hold off the effects of the toxin until they could find the antidote. "Unfortunately, the shots will become less effective as time goes on."

"What . . . how will I know when time's running out?"

"You'll experience shortness of breath, a tightening in your chest, numbness in your hands and feet. Your heart rate will probably increase to compensate for the shortness of breath."

"Will it be painful?"

"We'll try to make sure you're as comfortable as possible," the doctor artfully evaded the question.

"That's not what I asked you. I'm dying, doc. I'm asking you if it's going to hurt. I don't want it to hurt. I don't want my fiancée to see me suffer."

"Yes, Mr. Castle, it will probably be quite painful," the doctor answered him honestly, his expression grave.

"Thank you for being honest with me. That's all I was asking."

"I'll be sticking around here for the rest of the day. Until they find the antidote or until—"

"Thanks," Castle sighed.

After the doctor left, Castle started thinking about whether all of his personal papers were in order. He knew that his mother knew where everything was, but he'd never talked to Alexis about where to find his insurance policies and other papers in the event that something should happen to him. And he hadn't gotten around to adding Kate to anything. He blinked tears away as he thought of his beautiful, brave Kate. She'd already been through so much. Why did she have to face losing him, too?

He pulled out his phone and clicked on his photo album. He smiled at the pictures that he'd taken of Kate during a recent trip to the Hamptons. Her smile was always so bright and so wide when she smiled at him. His mind went back to the night he'd shown up in her condo. She'd been so happy to see him that she'd practically climbed all over him. After they'd made love, she'd spent the next few hours cuddling and kissing him until she fell asleep in his arms.

And now she was going to lose him. All because he had poked his nose into her job, after she'd asked him not to. She'd patiently explained to him that it was classified. That things were no longer like they'd been in New York. His phone rang with his mother's ring tone. He knew that he needed to talk to her and Alexis, but he didn't want to frighten them. After all, it was entirely possible that Kate and Agent McCord were back this very minute with the antidote, so there'd be no reason to frighten them.

But when they showed up empty-handed, his hopes were dashed. McCord and Villante allowed Kate to take Castle off so that they could have some privacy. "We're working other leads, Castle. Please don't give up. I need for you to be strong."

Castle could see that she was trying so hard to hold it together. He knew that she wanted to go somewhere and pound on a wall, wail and cry, but she couldn't. Her job wouldn't allow it. Her colleagues would think that she was weak. But Kate Beckett wasn't weak. She was the strongest person he'd ever known. She'd survived a bullet to the chest, dangling from a 10-story building, and standing on a bomb. "I'll be strong. I can be strong for both of us."

"I just need for you to be strong for you. I can take care of myself. I need to get back out there. What did the doctor say?"

"Not much. Except for the dying thing, I'm in perfect health," he joked, earning a well-deserved eye-roll from his fiancée.

"Come on," she took his hand. "Maybe you can provide us with some crazy theories."

***CCC***

_Oh, love for some is like a cloud,_

_For some, as strong as steel_

_For some, a way of living,_

_For some, a way to feel_

_And some say love is holding on and some say letting go,_

_And, some say love is everything and some say they don't know_

He was fading fast. Kate could see it as she drove in the direction of Secretary Reed's house, hoping to get the antidote. "Kate—" his voice was weak.

"Castle, stay with me. We're almost there. Come on, I need for you to focus."

He could hear Kate's voice, but it sounded like it was coming from far away. He felt weak, it was hard to breathe, and his heart was pounding painfully in his chest. He turned his head so that he could look at Kate, but his vision was so dark. She looked like she was framed in silhouette. He could feel his throat constricting as she screeched to a stop in a driveway. He was vaguely aware of pulling the door handle and stepping out of the car. That was when everything faded to black.

Kate had just gotten out of the car when she looked behind her and saw Castle's door opened, but he was nowhere in sight. She ran around and found him on the grass, unconscious. "Rick! No! Come on, Rick. Wake up," she stroked his face, which was an odd mottled color. She knew that he was barely breathing at that point.

Operating purely on adrenaline, Kate wasn't even aware at what point McCord and the rest of the team showed up. They arrested the killer and obtained the antidote. "I called for an ambulance," Rachel explained as Kate raced back to Castle's side. "It's about two minutes out."

"He doesn't have two minutes," Kate shouted, kneeling at Castle's side. She could feel his heart beating under her palm, but he wasn't breathing. "Castle, don't you die on me!" She began performing mouth to mouth as she heard sirens in the distance.

The attendants had already been told about the antidote, so they administered it quickly just as Castle started breathing again. "I'm going with him," Kate looked at McCord, who nodded and took Kate's keys.

***CCC***

_Perhaps love is like the ocean, full of conflict, full of pain;_

_Like a fire when it's cold outside, thunder when it rains_

_If I should live forever and all my dreams come true_

_My memories of love will be of you_

"Katherine!" Kate turned to find Martha, Alexis and Pi running up to her. "How is he?"

Kate had called them the moment they'd brought Castle into the hospital four hours before. Nobody would tell her anything because she didn't have power of attorney over Castle. They were sympathetic, but rules were rules. She was told that they'd only give information to his immediate family and right now that was Martha and Alexis. "They won't tell me anything. Go and let the doctor know that you're here."

"What happened?" Alexis' blue eyes were bright with anger.

"It's a long story," Kate told the young woman what had happened in D.C.

"Is that why they took him out of the loft last night like he was some sort of a criminal? Why didn't he say something when we talked to him this morning?"

"Alexis, he didn't want to scare you. We thought that we'd get the antidote in time."

"I thought that once you left, he'd stop getting in trouble! I guess that I was wrong!" Alexis shouted as Martha came back with the doctor.

"I'm Dr. Hartman. Your son was given a neuro-toxin which would've been fatal without an antidote. The levels in his blood were catastrophic. He was administered the antidote just over four hours ago, but his condition is still extremely critical. His blood pressure is very low and he's still having some trouble breathing, although he is slowly improving."

"This is Detective . . . I mean Agent Beckett. She's my sons' fiancée. Anything that you can tell me you can tell her."

"When can we see him?" Alexis piped in. "I want to see my dad."

"You can see him one at a time in about an hour. I'd like to get him a little more stabilized first. I'll have a nurse come to get you when you can see him."

"Thank you, doctor," Martha said before turning toward Kate and embracing her. "Thank you for calling us. I wish that Richard had said something this morning."

"He didn't want to scare you. I'm sorry I didn't answer your call earlier. I didn't want to scare you, either."

When the nurse came out a short time later, Kate encouraged Martha and Alexis to visit him while she sat in the waiting area with Pi, who didn't have a lot to say. And whatever he did say, Kate didn't have a response to. She wasn't in the mood for small talk. She just wanted to see Castle, to hold his hand and talk to him. Finally, Martha and Alexis came out, Alexis wiping at her face without looking at Kate. Pi got up and took Alexis into his arms as she sobbed. "He's asleep," Martha said. "The nurse said they don't think he'll regain full consciousness until morning. You go and see him."

"Thank you, Martha," Kate smiled before going through the double doors and into the ICU room, where she found Castle hooked up to an astounding number of monitors, which hissed and beeped. Taking a deep breath to fight off an impending panic attack, Kate entered the room and pulled a chair up to his bedside. "Castle," she rubbed his hand. "At least your color is better. I don't know what color you were when you passed out, but it doesn't suit you."

She ran her fingers through his hair, trying to restore some order to his usually tidy 'do. She couldn't help but notice that his forehead felt warm and clammy, as if he had a fever. She took his hand in hers, weaving her fingers with his. She so loved holding hands with him. His large hands always seemed to engulf her fingers, making her feel safe. But, right now she didn't feel safe, at all. Right now, she felt as alone and lost as she had at 19 when her mother had been murdered.

She looked up when a nurse walked in to check his vital signs and make adjustments to his monitors. "Hi, I'm Andrea. He's slowly improving. If he keeps improving, the doctor will cut down his sedation and try to get him to wake up in a few hours."

"Thank you," Kate smiled. "I'm Kate, Rick's fiancée."

"I know. Mrs. Rodgers told me that you'd be in here. She told us that we should let you stay as long as you like."

The three women and Pi slept on the uncomfortable furniture in the waiting room, none of them wanting to leave Castle's side for longer than it took to grab a quick bite to eat. Early the next morning, Dr. Hartman told Kate that he wanted them to try to get him to wake up. "I want to run some tests, and for those tests, I really need for him to be conscious. So, let's see if we can get him to wake up."

The four of them crowded into the small ICU room, where they saw that the bed had been raised to that Castle was almost in a sitting position. Kate sat in the chair beside his bed. "Castle?" She said his name softly, brushing her hand over his jaw. "Castle?"

Castle could hear Kate's voice, but he was sure that he was either dead or dreaming. His eyelids were so heavy, but he finally forced them to open, landing his eyes on Kate's smiling face at his side. "Hey," he drawled. "I had the strangest dream and you were there."

"Oh, thank god," he turned to find his mother and Alexis standing there.

"Dad?"

"Hey, you were there and you were there," he smiled weakly at them as Alexis clutched his hand.

"Hey, Mr. C. I did some healing Reiki on you. Looked like it worked," Pi added his voice to the mix.

"And, you were there," Castle said through gritted teeth. He had so many questions. He felt so confused and fuzzy. Had he died? The last thing he remembered was pulling on the door handle of Kate's car. Everything after that was a complete blank.

"Let's give your dad and Kate some privacy," Martha suggested to Alexis, who leaned down to kiss her dad. "We'll come back in a little while."

"I love you, dad."

"Love you, too." He looked at Kate after the others left. "Did you get to Mrs. Reed in time?"

"Yeah. I haven't heard how she's doing. How do you feel?"

"Tired, weak, fuzzy. How long until I get out of here?"

"The doctor said he wants to run some tests. It'll probably be a couple of days. I talked to Lanie. She's flying in tonight."

"Good. You look tired," he noticed.

"That's probably because I _am _tired."

He reached up to lightly touch her face as she leaned into his touch, fighting not to burst into tears. "I could really use a hug," he reached down and tugged on her hand.

She gently leaned into the warmth of his body as he wrapped his arm around her back and held her to him. "Oh god, Castle. I thought that I'd lost you," she whispered into his neck.

He didn't say anything. He just closed his eyes to keep the tears from falling as he continued holding her. After several minutes, they were interrupted by Dr. Hartman. "Mr. Castle, I'm Dr. Hartman. We need to run a few tests on you to see when we can get you out of here."

"When I'm released, can I go back to New York or do I have to stay here in D.C.?"

Kate was disappointed. She'd thought that he'd want to stay with her. But she could also understand why he'd want to get home to his own home and his own bed. She tried to pay attention to what the doctor was saying. "I think that you should stay in D.C. for a day or two, but after that I don't see any reason why you can't go back to New York. Once there, I suggest that you see your regular doctor. As soon as the orderly gets here, we'll get started."

"How long will the tests take?" Kate asked.

"Four or five hours. He should be back in a regular room early this afternoon."

"So, you're moving him out of ICU?"

"Yes, he'll be moved to a regular semi-private room."

"In that case, I'll see you soon," she kissed him lingeringly before reluctantly leaving the room where she was surprised to find Rachel. "Hi."

"Hi. How's Castle?"

"I think he's going to be okay considering. They're going to run some tests on him. Dr. Hartman said that he'll probably be released in a day or two. He wants him to stay in D.C. for a couple of days, but Castle wants to go back to New York."

"And I'm sure that you want to go with him," Rachel guessed as Kate started to protest. "Kate, it's okay. Villante has already given you the okay to take three days."

Kate felt like being sarcastic. Wow, three whole days. But, she was a probationary agent, so three days was probably more than she was entitled to. "A friend of ours is arriving later this afternoon. She's a medical examiner, so I'll have someone with some medical experience to help me while Castle's here."

"I know that it couldn't have been easy to stand by and feel helpless. I'm sure that you really wanted to do was spirit Castle away somewhere and lean on each other. But, at least you can do that now."

"After I finish reading him the riot act about staying out of my cases."

"Yes, you'd better make sure that he understands that," Rachel gave her a stern look. "Villante and the Attorney General aren't too happy about Castle getting involved. I doubt you'll receive a second chance."

***CCC***

_And some say love is holding on and some say letting go,_

_And, some say love is everything and some say they don't know_

_Perhaps love is like the ocean, full of conflict, full of pain;_

_Like a fire when it's cold outside, thunder when it rains_

_If I should live forever and all my dreams come true_

_My memories of love will be of you_

It was three in the morning, but Kate was wide awake. Castle had come home that morning, and except for tiring easily, he seemed to be doing fairly well. He'd even insisted that his mother and Alexis go back home, telling them that he'd be there in a couple of days. Kate knew that he was irritated by the constant attention of the three women.

Lanie was asleep on the couch in the living room and Castle was sound asleep at her side, but Kate couldn't sleep. She looked at her hand resting on Castle's stomach, watching it rise up and down with each deep breath he took. Usually his breathing could lull her to sleep, but too many thoughts were going through her head at the moment. Finally she sat up and got out of bed as quietly as she could, going to the living room.

Lanie woke up and looked into the kitchen. "What're you doing up?" She whispered in the darkened room.

"I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to wake up Castle," Kate came into the room and sat in a nearby armchair. "I'm worried about him, Lanie."

"Sweetie, the doctor told you that he's going to be fine. He's going to tire more easily for a while, but he said that he'll get his strength back soon enough. Are you worried about being separated from him?"

"It was so much easier when I was in New York, when I could look across my desk and find him staring at me. I told him that it's not supposed to be this hard."

"Anything worth having is going to be hard," Lanie told her. "You're talking now. You're going to figure things out."

"Hey," they turned to find Castle standing in the bedroom doorway in his robe, rubbing his eyes like a small boy. That small gesture always made Kate smile.

"I didn't mean to wake you up," she apologized as he came over and sat on the floor by her chair.

"I thought that I'd come out and be one of the girls. Can't sleep?"

"Uh-uh," she shook her head.

"I can help with that if Lanie doesn't mind the noise," he teased.

"Castle, the doctor said no strenuous activities for a week or so," she reminded him.

"So, I'll hold you until you go to sleep," he offered instead.

Lanie smiled at the two of them. They were so cute together and a person would have to be blind not to see how crazy they were for each other. "Go back to bed, Beckett. It's after three in the morning," Lanie told her friend.

"Come on," Castle stood up and held his hand out to her.

"I have to go to the bathroom first," she told him.

Castle was lying in bed moments later when he heard something from the bathroom. It only took him a few seconds to realize what he was hearing. He got to the bathroom door with Lanie right behind him. "I've got her," Castle told Lanie, who nodded and went back to the living room. He tapped on the closed bathroom door before opening the door and walking in. Kate was sitting on the floor between the toilet and the tub with her head on her drawn up knees. She looked up when Castle sat down beside her. "Kate, I'm okay." She didn't say anything. She just turned to him and wrapped her arms around his neck as she continued to sob. "Shh," he rubbed her back. "Baby, it's okay."

Castle had seen her have this reaction before after a particularly rough case. She'd hold her emotions in until she just couldn't anymore. Finally, she pulled away from him and started poking him in the chest angrily. "Damn it, Castle! If you ever stick your nose into my cases again when I ask you not to, I'll kick your ass! I had to give you mouth to mouth! You had stopped breathing! I thought I had lost you!"

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. She'd had to watch him die just as he'd had to watch her die three years before. He reached for her and pulled her against him once again. She was no longer crying, but he could feel her deep shuddering breaths as she rested her head against his chest. "Kate, I promise you that I have learned my lesson about staying out of things that don't concern me. Why don't we get up off of this cold bathroom floor and get into your nice warm bed?" He kissed the top of her head before getting up and helping her to her feet.

***CCC***

_Two weeks later_

They had just returned from the trip to Texas and were once again settling into their familiar routines. Castle was working on a rough draft for his next Nikki Heat book and Kate was sending her resume out to law enforcement agencies around the country. "Castle, if I get hired by a police department in some bohunk town in the middle of nowhere, will you follow me?"

"Just like the bible said," she heard his response from his office.

"Castle, this is depressing," she came into the office and perched on the edge of his desk, watching him write.

"Look, the hiring freeze won't last forever," he stood up and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his body. "In the meantime, you can go on adventures with me."

"Didn't you have enough of an adventure in D.C.?" She asked as he visibly cringed. "I thought that we were going to talk about what happened. We're both having trouble sleeping, we're both having nightmares. We need to talk about this, Rick."

He pulled away from her and walked out of the office into his living room. Kate hopped off of the desk and followed him to the window where he was staring out at the New York skyline. She slipped her arms around his waist and leaned into his back, smiling when she felt him take both of her hands into his. "After you told me, all that I wanted to do was take you into my arms and never let you go. But, everybody kept taking you away from me. First, Rachel and then Villante. It was like they were all saying, 'Well, we're sorry that you're dying and all, but Beckett's an agent now. Her job has to come before you.'"

"Oh, Rick," she breathed out a sigh, closing her eyes against the sudden sting of tears. How desperately alone he must've felt. At least if it had happened in New York, he would've had a support system. The boys, his mother, Alexis, even Gates would've been there for him. "I didn't want to leave you. I know how scared you were. I could see it in your eyes even though you tried to hide it. I still can't believe that Rachel told you that I'd be okay."

"I don't think she said it to be cruel, Kate," he turned to face her. "I just wanted assurances that you were doing okay. I did feel a little better when she told me how well you were doing. All I could think about was I hadn't added you to any of my papers. You didn't even have power of attorney in case something happened to me. My mother told me that they wouldn't even give you any information at the hospital until she got there. I want you to know that that's all been taken care of now. You're added to all of my important papers."

"Same here," she smiled at him. "When I filled out all of my paperwork for the job in D.C., I made sure that you were on everything. My dad said I should've actually done that a long time ago."

"Kate, what happened in those last few minutes?"

"When I got out of the car at Reed's house, I noticed that you weren't behind me. I found you on the ground, Castle, and your face was the most awful color. But I had to make a decision whether to leave you and go get the antidote or to stay with you. I left you, and it almost killed me," she choked as he tugged her into his chest.

"I could hear you, but then I couldn't. My eyes were so heavy. I thought that I'd died . . . that I'd died without ever seeing your face again or telling you how much I love you. That's what I dream about every night. Sometimes in the dreams I'm in the cemetery after Roy's funeral, only it's me on the grass instead of you."

"I dream that, too. I'm serious about what I said in D.C., Castle. If you ever do this again, I'll kick your ass."

"I have a feeling that you'll have to stand in line and I think it's a long line."

"Like 'Airplane?'" She pulled back to grin at him.

"Exactly," he kissed her forehead before pulling her back against him once again.

**A/N #3: I love that Castle and Beckett have given me such a beautiful love story to play with. This story gets more enjoyable to write with each chapter. Get ready because the next chapter is going to use the song 'Ain't Even Done With the Night' by John Cougar.**

**A/N #4: I will get back to 'Trials and Tribulations.' I just want to work on this one while the ideas are fresh in my mind. Plus, the response for this one has been nothing short of phenomenal. Thanks, everybody!**

**I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960.**


	8. Chapter 8--The First Night of Many

**Disclaimers: I don't own Castle.**

**Summary: That first night. I really don't need to say anything more. Rated M for obvious reasons.**

**A/N #1: I know that I've written about that first night before, but when I heard 'Ain't Even Done with the Night' by John Mellencamp, it took me back to it. Plus, Castle pretty much eluded to the fact that it was pretty passionate that first time. **

**A/N #2: While I'd love to see the deleted scene from 'Always,' I think we saw plenty. Plus, a little imagination is always a good thing.**

**A/N #3: I recently read a post-Always story that was described as 3500 words of sex. Well, here's my take.**

Chapter 8: The First Night of Many

_Well, our hearts beat like thunder_

_I don't know why they don't explode_

_You've got your hands in my back pockets_

_And Sam Cooke singing on the radio_

_You say that I'm the boy who could make it all come true_

_Well, I'm telling you that I don't know if I know what to do_

Richard Castle still couldn't believe that things had reached this point. One minute, he was answering his door to a soaking wet, bruised, battered, and vulnerable Kate Beckett, and the next they were up against his wall by the front door making out like a couple of teenagers. What happened to being angry and never wanting to see her again? All of those thoughts had vanished the second she'd put her fingers up to his mouth, her touch feather-like and soft. Her touch had erased every negative thought he'd ever had of her.

Her pants, gasps, and that sound that she made in the back of her throat as he kissed and nipped her tender flesh spurred him on. She was soaking wet from the storm, but she still smelled wonderful. Her skin smelled of rain, cherries, and just _Kate_. He wasn't sure he'd ever get enough of the way that she smelled and the way that she tasted under his tongue.

He kissed his way down to the space between her breasts, planting a reverent kiss there before he remembered. With shaking fingers, he released the top button on her shirt and saw _it_. The small circular scar from that awful day in the cemetery. The day when he thought that he'd lost her forever. His dark blue eyes met her hazel eyes before she took his hand in hers and slid it up to her heart, holding it there as they shared a tender, gentle kiss. She then kissed his bottom lip, smiling at him happily, and then sliding her hand down into his, tangling her fingers with his.

He felt frozen in time as he felt her tug on his hand, leading him in the direction of his bedroom. He followed, as obediently as a child, through his office and into his inner sanctum. She moved closer to him, kissing his neck, breaking his trance. Her smile was breathtaking as he felt her unbutton the buttons on his dress shirt. It was his turn to groan when he felt her lips tracing a path down his chest. "Kate," her name came out as a muffled groan as he felt her kissing lower. She moved back up and recaptured his lips with her own, her tongue brushing his lower lip as he opened his mouth to her.

He guided her back toward his bed before lowering her onto it. He then went to work on removing her wet clothing, wondering for a few moments just how long she'd been out in the rain before she'd found her way to his loft. Well, he knew there'd be time for questions later. After stripping her down to her underwear, he joined her on the bed, propping himself on one elbow so that he could look at her. "Staring is creepy, Castle," she reminded him, sitting up and straddling his hips.

She removed his cuff links and turned to place them on the nightstand by the bed. She then helped him to a sitting position and slipped his shirt off, taking it and throwing it somewhere behind her, where it landed on the floor with her discarded clothing. In the lightning flashes coming through his window, he could see dark bruises forming on her neck and shoulders and started to ask about them, but she stopped him with a look. Moving closer, she kissed him once again, eliciting an incredibly sexy groan from him. She pulled back and smiled before sliding off of him and reaching for his belt. She unbuckled it before going to work on his dress pants. After unfastening them, she tugged them off of his hips and down his legs as he rose up to assist her.

Her green eyes met his before she returned her focus to the huge bulge in his black silk boxers. He swallowed hard when he felt her touch him for the first time, desperately trying not to come at her touch. He didn't think it was possible to get any harder, but when he felt her hand slip around his engorged length, he felt himself surge into her palm. He couldn't even describe the way that she was making him feel. For once, words totally escaped him. He fell back with a harsh groan, vaguely aware of the feeling of her pulling his shorts off his body. He wasn't even aware of helping her this time. It was like . . . one minute they were on his body and the next they weren't.

Kate had never known Castle to be at a loss for words, but for once he was completely quiet, unless you counted his harsh breathing and the groans that were pouring from his mouth. She had wondered how this moment would be for as long as she could remember. He felt huge, hard, and hot in her hand as she stroked him. Her black lacy panties were soaked and it wasn't all due to being caught in the storm. As she'd told him when she'd come into the loft, she just wanted him.

Castle had always smelled wonderful. In five years, that was one of the reasons Kate had always loved working with him was because he always smelled so good. But naked Castle smelled even better than fully-clothed Castle. She moved back onto the bed beside him, still fondling him. Their lips, tongues and teeth clashed as he reached up and unclasped her bra, his hands cupping her breasts, palms brushing over her nipples, causing them to harden with his touch. She arched into his hands as he varied his touch, experimenting with learning what she liked and didn't like.

He let his fingers trail down to her ribs, and that was when he felt another scar, this one much longer than the one between her breasts. But, unlike the scar between her breasts, Kate flinched away when he traced this one with his fingers. "No, Castle," she murmured against his mouth. "Please don't touch me there."

He reached up and cupped her face in his palm, forcing her to look at him. "It's okay," he whispered. Instead he brought his hands back up to her breasts, caressing them gently as she closed her eyes and sighed.

She kissed him softly before slowly making her way down his body, feathering kisses along the way. He knew where she was headed, and he tried to stop her. But she only smiled up at him and continued her journey. He groaned out several choice expletives at the first touch of her warm, wet mouth on his cock. He knew that he wasn't going to last long and he really longed to be inside of her, but her feel of her mouth on him was beyond anything he could've imagined. He doubted he could even put into words in any future novel the effect that she was having on him.

After several minutes, he became aware of her kissing her way back up his body, her bare breasts brushing against his chest as she kissed him once again. The warm scent of her was intoxicating as he reached his hand down and touched her through her panties as she groaned into his mouth, bucking against his fingers as he continued touching her through the soaked cotton. He rolled her over and hitched his fingers into the sides of her underwear, pulling them down her legs. He couldn't get over the sight of her naked and wanting in his bed. He'd dreamed of this for such a long time. He looked up as his eyes once again met hers. "Uh, do we need—"

"No," she shook her head. "I just want you, Castle. _Now_."

He covered her body with his own, before guiding himself into her, letting out a long groan at the feeling of being enveloped in her incredible warmth. She was tight, warm, and so wet. She giggled when he brushed his nose against hers as they began to slowly move together, trying out different rhythms until they found one that worked for them both. He was so close to orgasm, but he wanted her to come with him. "Kate, what do you like? I want you to come with me," he groaned.

She took his hand and pressed it between her legs. "Touch me hard, Castle. Hard and rough," she pressed her fingers over his to demonstrate, crying out when he finally got the rhythm perfect. "Fuck, Castle! A little more! Yes!" She screamed out, clutching at his shoulders with her hands. Through the haze of her own climax, she heard him crying out her name before feeling the heat of him spilling into her, which set her off again.

He rolled to one side, kissing her shoulder, neck and any other exposed place he could with tender kisses, listening to her pant and continue to softly cry out next to him. "You could probably use a warm bath. You must be freezing," he propped himself up on one elbow to look at her.

"I was an hour ago, before you dragged me into your bedroom and seduced me."

"Before I-? Wait! Who burst into my loft and stuck her tongue down my throat?" He looked at her to find her grinning at him. "Seriously, Kate? How long were you wandering around in the rain?"

"I don't want to talk about that," she rolled over and propped herself up on his chest. "So, about this bath that you're proposing? Is it a bath for two?"

"It can be," he grinned. "We can get clean and then come back in here and get dirty all over again."

"I think that I'd like that," she put her head down, grinning shyly. "As long as we don't talk about how I came to be here."

"Kate, we need to talk about some of it, don't we? I mean, you made some rather cryptic comments earlier. You said that you almost died."

"Castle—"

"Okay, okay. Come on, I'll run us a bath."

***CCC***

_Say it's all right, hold tight_

_But I don't even know if I'm doin' this right_

_Well, all right, hold tight_

_We can stay out all day, we can run around all night_

_Well, all night, all night_

_Well, it's time to go home_

_And I ain't even done with the night_

Kate couldn't believe Castle's ensuite bathroom. It was bigger than her first apartment. He had a huge glass-enclosed shower with four shower heads, but the bathtub was to die for. He turned on the taps and poured a small amount of bath salts into it. "Can I just move into your bathroom?" She turned toward him.

"I'm glad that you like it. You should see the one in my house in the Hamptons. This one pales by comparison to that one. I have endless hot water, so if the water's not hot enough, let me know," he stepped in and leaned back before reaching for her hand to help her in.

She winced as she stepped in and sat down, leaning against him. Her back and shoulders were extremely sore following her life and death struggle with Maddox earlier. But she couldn't help the blissful sigh that escaped from her lips when she felt him wrap his arms around her waist. Usually after sleeping with someone for the first time, she'd feel shy being naked around them afterward. But she didn't feel that way with Castle. She'd just had amazing first time sex with her best friend and it had been more than she could dream of. "I quit my job, Castle," she blurted out as she watched him splashing warm water over her breasts.

"Does your quitting have anything to do with the fact that you almost died?"

"Um-hmm," she placed her hands over his. "That's all I'm going to say, okay?"

"Okay," he brought his hands up to her breasts, circling her nipples with his thumb and forefingers, feeling them harden to taut peaks. He couldn't help but smile when she put her hands over his and guided him much as she had earlier.

She relaxed further against him, feeling him softly kiss her temple, her jaw, her neck, before she turned her head so that their lips could meet. The kiss was soft, long, and slow. Kate felt like she was melting. She decided that she could definitely get used to kissing Rick Castle. She felt her pulse quicken and her belly clench as she wondered just what else he could do with that mouth of his.

Rick wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly to his chest, relishing having her in his arms after wishing it for so long. He released his arms from around her and reached behind him for his bottle of body wash, squirting some on a bath sponge. After working the soap into a lather, he began bathing Kate, being careful of the rapidly darkening bruises that were showing up all over her body.

The soap smelled of orange blossoms. The scent filled her senses as Rick carefully washed every inch of her body. She'd shared showers with lovers in the past, but she'd never been with anybody who spent as much time worshipping her body as Rick did. She relaxed, enjoying the feeling of being taken care of. After he finished, she reached for the sponge and showed him the same attention that he'd just shown her.

The water had cooled considerably by the time they were both finished, so Castle got out of the tub first and pulled a towel off of his rack, holding it out for Kate as she gratefully stepped out of the tub and into the warm towel. "Warm towels?" She smiled at him.

"Would you expect anything less from a best-selling author?"

"No, I guess not. This feels like heaven," she sighed as he began drying her off. He then quickly dried himself off before taking her hand and leading her back to his bed. He pulled the blankets down and helped her inside before getting in next to her.

He drew her against his shoulder, tracing patterns down her arm. "Are you warm enough?" He whispered into her hair.

"Um-hmmm," she sighed sleepily.

Her deep breathing eventually lulled him to sleep, as well. But he awoke after about an hour and a half. He looked at Kate, still asleep on his shoulder. She looked so peaceful as she slept. In sleep, he didn't see the guards that she always kept in place. She looked vulnerable in her sleep. He once again noticed the bruises, wondering when she was going to open up about them. They looked as if she'd been in a fight for her life.

As if sensing that her bed partner was awake, Kate stirred and opened her eyes, smiling sleepily at him. She looked toward the window when she saw an intermittent flash of lightning. "It's still storming," she curled back into Castle's shoulder.

"I think it's slowing down."

She kissed his shoulder and chest, loving the solid feel of him under her fingers. Their first sexual encounter had been so harried. Now she wanted to take the time to learn his body. She sat up and pulled the blankets down, exposing him to her eyes and hands. He lay back and put his hands behind his head, smiling as he watched her. He'd never seen a sexier sight in his life than his partner sitting in his bed, stark naked, with her hair a tumbled mess down her back.

She grinned at him when she noticed an odd-looking tattoo on his upper right thigh, near his hip. "Richard Castle, you never told me that you have a tattoo!" She traced the mark with her fingers as she watched him begin to get hard before her eyes.

"You never asked," he reached for her as she protested. "Speaking of tattoos, where's yours?"

"Someplace that's usually covered by clothes. But, since you've got me naked in your bed, you're more than welcome to search for it. I just think it's sexy as hell that you have one and you never told me."

"I hate the damn thing. I got it on a dare when I was 19 years old. So, front or back?" He asked.

"I'm not telling. But it might take some very _careful _exploration for you to find it," she grinned playfully.

"Well, can I have fun while I'm exploring?"

"Oh, please do, Mr. Castle."

"So, you have no problem with me—"

"Castle, let me put it this way. I'm very anxious to see and feel what else you can do with your mouth besides run it non-stop."

He gave her a huge, wide smile before he rolled her so that she was lying under him. They shared a long, heated kiss before he moved to kiss her neck and throat as she moaned her approval. So far, so good. He'd proven to her a while back that he knew how to kiss. That heated kiss that they'd shared while trying to save the boys had fueled many sexy dreams in the middle of the night.

She felt his lips gently tracing the puckered scar by her breast, followed by his fingers. It felt strange having someone other than herself touching it. Except for her doctors, Castle was the first person to see the small round area of marred flesh. Josh hadn't even seen it, although he'd wanted to. Her eyes met his as they shared another kiss, this one tender and gentle. She felt his large hand cup her breast, his thumb brushing over her nipple as it hardened quickly under his touch. He then gave her other breast the same attention before moving down and taking one hard nipple into his mouth, lightly flicking it with his tongue as she whimpered softly.

He increased the pressure of his mouth and the speed of his tongue as he continued teasing her other breast with his hand. He then switched breasts, feeling Kate's fingers in his hair, holding him closer to her. She let out a disappointed whine when she felt him leave her breasts, but her whimper turned to cries of delight when she felt him softly kissing her abdomen, studiously avoiding the longer scar under her ribcage. She felt him circle her belly button, dipping his tongue inside as she giggled at the ticklish sensation.

Castle could smell her arousal as he nudged her legs apart, kissing the insides of her thighs as he listened to her gasp and felt her stomach quiver under his hand. That was when he saw it. "Found it!" He exclaimed as Kate raised her head to stare at him. "Your tat. I found it. I don't get it, but I found it."

"You're ruining the moment. You realize that, don't you?" She glared at him.

He traced his fingers over the small Chinese symbol on the inside of her left thigh. There were numbers underneath it. _'2-4-54 – 1-9-99.' _He knew that that latter date was the date of her mom's murder, so he assumed that the first date was her mother's date of birth. He just didn't know what the symbol meant. After tracing it once again, he planted a soft kiss to it before moving a little further up.

Kate's head fell back down to the bed at the first touch of Castle's tongue on her wet, swollen flesh. She couldn't stop the noises that came out of her mouth as he licked, sucked, nibbled, and gently bit. He was good at this. Oh yes, he was _very _good at this. But when he added two fingers inside of her, thrusting them in and out as he licked, sucked, nibbled, and gently bit, was when she thought she was going to seriously explode with the sensations coursing through her body. "Fuck, Castle! I'm going to come!" She screamed out as her back arched off of the bed and she screamed out his name repeatedly as his tongue and fingers worked her more rapidly than before. She was vaguely aware of Castle trying to hold her in place as she thrashed around him, her inner muscles pulsing like never before.

Her heart felt like it was going to fly out of her chest as the shockwaves gradually began to diminish. Her skin felt electrified as she felt Castle moving up her body, kissing his way up until he reached her mouth. She could taste herself on him as they shared a long kiss. "Wow," he breathed as she opened her eyes and smiled at him.

"What do you mean, 'wow?'"

"Just that. Just 'wow.' You are something else, Kate Beckett," he grinned.

"You're not exactly a slouch yourself, Richard Castle," she bantered back. "I thought that I was having an out of body experience."

"So, you liked it?" He couldn't help but to look smug.

"That would be an understatement. When do your mother and Alexis come home?"

"Why are you asking about my mother and Alexis _now_?"

"Because if I'm going to be that noisy again, I'd really prefer not to have people listening."

"Mother is in the Hamptons, but Alexis will be back around lunchtime tomorrow. And, personally I liked hearing you."

"I liked hearing me, too," she smiled, grabbing his shoulders and pushing him over as he stared into her eyes, which had darkened to brown. "But, I'm not done, yet."

"Okay," he managed to stammer out as he watched her straddle his hips and reach down to take his length into her hands, guiding him to her entrance and sinking down on him as he groaned out at the feel of her surrounding him.

"My favorite position is being on top," she leaned down to whisper in his ear.

"I'll keep that . . . in mind," he found it difficult to maintain a coherent thought, so he reached up and cupped her breasts in his hands as she threw her head back.

_Say it's all right, hold tight_

_But I don't even know if I'm doin' this right_

_Well, all right, hold tight_

_We can stay out all day, we can run around all night_

_Well, all night, all night_

_Well, it's time to go home_

_And I ain't even done with the night_

_Ain't even done with the night_

_Hold tight_

_Well, I don't even know if I'm doin' this right_

_Well, all right, hold tight_

_We can stay out all day or we can run around all night_

_Well, all night, all night_

_Well, it's time to go home_

_And I ain't even done with the night_

Afterwards, he held her in his arms as the lightning continued to flash through the windows. "What does your tattoo mean? It's for your mom, isn't it?"

"It's the Chinese symbol for truth. As you know, my mom was a big believer in the truth. I got it right before I entered the police academy. Oh, my dad doesn't know about it and I'd _really _like to keep it that way. He's not a big fan of tattoos."

"Your secret's safe with me," he kissed the top of her head as she cuddled closer to him.

"So, tell me about yours. What was the dare?"

"My first girlfriend dared me that I wouldn't get a tattoo in the most strategic place imaginable."

"Well, that isn't exactly the most strategic place, Castle," she smiled at him.

"Close enough. At least you probably got to keep your underwear on when you got yours."

"Touché," she kissed his chest. "Maybe you're not as much of a girl as I always thought you were."

"After tonight, you're still going to call me a girl?"

"No, definitely not a girl, Castle. Most definitely not," she punctuated each word with a sweet kiss.

**A/N #4: I had to put in something about Nathan's tattoo. I hope everybody liked it. I don't know if Stana has a tattoo. Beckett mentioned in 'Last Call' that she got one as a teenager, but we don't know where it is. **

**I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960.**


	9. Chapter 9--Of Seashells and Elephants

**Disclaimers: No, I don't own 'Castle.'**

**Summary: Post 6x08 'A Murder is Forever' set to the music of Lennon-McCartney.**

Chapter 9: Of Seashells and Elephants

_The Hamptons _

_I'm looking through you_

_Where did you go?_

_I thought I knew you_

_What did I know?_

_You don't look different, but you have changed_

_I'm looking through you_

_You're not the same_

Long walks on the beach had always relaxed Rick Castle. They allowed him to clear his head after both of his divorces. They allowed him to come up with new ideas for his books. They allowed him to think about how he felt about the beautiful green-eyed brunette who was walking at his side, her hand firmly clasped in his.

They had taken many walks on this same stretch of beach since the first time he'd brought her to his Hampton's home. They hunted for sea shells, which Castle kept in a box. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do with the box of different shaped seashells, but he knew that whatever it was, he wanted it to be special. Kate deserved special.

It was chilly on the beach. The early November breeze was whipping through both of their hair as they continued their walk. Finally, Kate sat down on the cool sand and tugged Castle down to sit down beside her. She stared out at the gray-green Atlantic before glancing at her fiancé. "What're we going to do about Linus, Castle?"

"Can you explain something first?" He looked at her as she nodded. "You've been sleeping in my bed for a year now. Linus has been hanging on my wall for that entire time. Why is he just now creeping you out?"

"How do you know he hasn't been 'creeping me out,' as you put it, for this whole time?"

"But, you like animals," he reminded her.

"Yes," she agreed. "I like puppies, kittens, animals in the zoo. But, that lion's eyes follow me, Castle. He makes me feel like prey. I thought that you'd want to protect me, Castle," she gave him an accusing look.

"I do," he told her. "And, if we were actually in Africa and a lion was chasing you, I would protect you. But, it's a picture, Kate! A picture that means a lot to me."

"I thought that _I _meant a lot to you."

"I'm just making this worse, aren't I?"

"Uh-huh," she smiled.

"Okay. Here's what we can do," he suggested. "We can go and get some art work that we both like. I'll put Linus in my office and we can hang the new art work in _our _bedroom."

"Why can't we just hang one of the pieces of art from my loft?" Kate asked.

"Kate, no offense, but I hate the pieces in your apartment. Well, I don't mind the two guys boxing in your bedroom, but the other pieces," he shuddered as she stared at him in stunned disbelief.

"Well, this is good to know."

"Kate, please don't be angry," he begged her.

"Castle, I never said that I _hated _the lion picture. You actually _hate _the pieces in my apartment?"

"Well, they're a little dark and more than a little creepy. When we get back to the city, we can hit some of the art galleries. Like I said, we can find something that we both can agree on."

"I still can't believe that you hate my art work," she got up and began to rapidly walk back toward the house.

Castle started to get up and follow her when he saw the small pile of shells on the sand. That was when he came up with an idea. He smiled as he jumped to his feet to follow Kate.

***CCC***

_The City_

_Your lips are moving_

_I cannot hear_

_Your voice is soothing,_

_But the words aren't clear_

_You don't sound different, I've learned the game_

_I'm looking through you_

_You're not the same_

_Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right?_

_Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight_

"If you don't like the elephants, then I don't like the elephants," Kate looked at Castle with a smug look on her face a few days after they'd returned from the Hamptons.

But, the thing was, he didn't hate the elephants. The elephants were a part of who Kate was, and he loved Kate with all of his heart. He just felt as if they were at war with each other over their defined space in the loft. She wanted him to get rid of Linus, who was an important part of his past. He'd made the mistake of insulting the art work in her apartment. "No, I like the elephants," he picked up one of the figurines. "These elephants have good family values, and this one," he picked up another figurine, "is obviously good with money. You've never told me the story of you and the elephants."

"Why is there always a story, Castle? I'm a woman. Maybe I just like silly ceramic pieces."

"Come on," he wheedled as she glared at him. "You know as well as I do that there's _always _a story." She was about to say something when his cell phone rang. "Castle. They are? Great! Yeah, I'll be there in half an hour. Thank you." Kate looked at him when he ended the call. "I have an errand. I'll meet you back here before you clock out. Dinner tonight?"

"Yeah. Where are you going?"

"I just have an errand. I'll see you in a couple of hours."

Kate watched him leave, curious as to where he was off to. She didn't have time to think about it as she returned to her paperwork. She was sure that if he wanted her to know, he'd tell her.

_You're thinking of me_

_The same old way_

_You were above me_

_But not today_

_The only difference is you're down there_

_I'm looking through you_

_And you're nowhere_

Castle stepped off of the elevator shortly before five. Kate smiled, watching him walk up to her desk. "So, did you get your errand done?"

"Yes, I did. I'm in the mood for sea food. Is that good with you?"

"Sea food sounds great," she agreed.

"I was reading about this place on the Internet that is supposed to have the best Paella in the city. They are also supposed to have an impressive wine list."

"That sounds great because I'm starving."

The restaurant was wonderful. It was small and charming. The food and the wine were excellent, as well. But the company was even more so. It was nice to be able to laugh and talk to each other about everyday things. "I have a surprise for you back at the loft," he took a sip of his wine.

"Really?" She smiled at him, instantly intrigued. "Does this have to do with your errand?"

"Possibly."

"Am I going to like it?"

"I hope so."

"Is it a puppy?"

"No, it's not a puppy. Would you like for us to get a puppy?"

"Someday. After we have a couple of babies," she blushed.

He loved how adorable she looked when she blushed, and she always seemed to blush when she talked about the possibility of them having babies. "Hey, Simon Doyle said that we were going to have three children."

"Really, Castle? You're still believing that? Right now, let's get married, and then we'll start talking about having babies."

"Fair enough," he reached for her hand across the small table.

She couldn't help but notice how giddy he seemed on the ride home. She couldn't wait to see just what his surprise for her was. She hoped that it made her as happy as it obviously was making him. "Did you get me a pony?" She teased during the ride up in the elevator.

"I can't put a pony in my loft. Alicia would kill me if she had to clean up _that _mess," he said, referring to his long-time housekeeper. He turned to face her before he unlocked the door. "Close your eyes."

"Castle—"

"Please?" She closed her eyes as he put his hands on her shoulders and guided her through the loft to their bedroom. "Okay, you can open them."

Kate opened her eyes and saw a shadow box mounted on the wall where the picture of Linus had once resided. It was full of seashells. "Seashells?" She looked at Castle.

"Those aren't just _any _seashells. Those are seashells that we collected during—"

"During our first walk together in the Hamptons," she walked over to look at the shadow box before turning back toward Castle. "Castle, you didn't have to do this."

"Yes, I did. I read Alice's book and it suggested that while all of this is my story, those shells are _our _story. So, we need to do things to bring our story together here in what used to be my home. But, my home is now _your_ home, too."

"I like our story," she rushed into his arms.

"Me, too," he grinned as he hugged her tightly.

An hour later, they were relaxing in a warm bath together. Kate was resting against Castle's chest, unable to keep the smile from her face at the feeling of his fingers tracing patterns up and down her bare arm. "Those elephants are the last ones that my mom gave to me," her voice broke the silence in the quiet bathroom. "She gave me my first elephant figurine when I was eight. After the first one, she'd bring me elephant figurines if she was somewhere and saw one she thought that I'd like. I stopped collecting them after she died. For a long time I couldn't even bear to look at them. When I became a detective, I thought that my desk needed something. Elephants are supposed to be good luck, so I took the last two that she gave me and put them on my desk. I have a whole box of them in storage."

"I will make space for your massive herd of ceramic elephants," he kissed her neck. "But not in the same room as Linus, in case he comes to life in the middle of the night and decides to go hunting."

"Maybe Alexis would like some for her new apartment," Kate suggested.

"That is a very nice idea."

"Thank you for our shells. The shadow box is beautiful."

"You're welcome. This is _our _home now and it will be for the rest of our lives."

"I like the sound of that," she clasped her hands over his and squeezed.

**A/N #1: I have a ceramic bear collection, which is where I got the idea for Kate's story about the elephants. **

**A/N #2: I also added the bit about Kate's art work, because I personally, **_**hate **_**her art work.**

**I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960.**


	10. Chapter 10--With You I'm Born Again

**Disclaimers: No, Castle isn't mine. Neither are the songs that I'm using.**

**Summary: Post 6x05 'Probable Cause,' and 6x04 'Number One Fan.' Castle and Beckett's take on how each of them brought new life to the other. Sorry, I can't explain any better than that.**

**A/N #1: The song for this chapter is called 'With You I'm Born Again' by Billy Preston and Syreeta. I love, love, love this song.**

**A/N #2: Kate's part of this chapter will fill in the blanks from the first chapter of this story when she told Jenny that she was Castle's Number One fan. **

**A/N #3: Without giving away anything regarding tonight's 'Castle,' I thought now was a good time to explore Castle's fears regarding 3XK.**

Chapter 10: With You I'm Born Again

_Come bring me your softness_

_Comfort me through all this madness_

_Woman, don't you know with you I'm born again_

_Castle_

His heart leapt into his throat when he saw her in the doorway. He'd hoped that she would've understood his message when she'd put the handcuffs on him at the precinct. Her eyes met his before she walked down the two steps and into his arms as he crushed her to his chest, relishing the feel of her in his arms once again. It had felt like days since he'd held her like he was now, the warmth of her feeling like home. "I am so glad that you understood my message," he breathed into her hair.

"What you wouldn't give to be back in the first place where I ever arrested you," she pulled back to smile at him, tenderly touching his face. "Like I am ever going to forget _that_ day."

He stared into her eyes, wanting to take her away and make love to her. But, first they had to work to clear his name and find Jerry Tyson, either arrest him or put him in the ground once and for all. That was the only way that they were going to end this.

"How did you do it?" She asked, referring to his jail break.

"I called in a few favors. Look, the less you know, the better."

After she told him that the D.A. had ordered an APB to be put out on him, he knew that they had to work fast. So, they did what they always did best and put the pieces together.

On the bridge early the next morning watching as divers searched futilely for Tyson's body, Kate watched Castle. She was cold and tired, but he steadfastly refused to leave until they found a body. "Castle, it could be hours or maybe even days before they find his body. The East River doesn't easily give up its bodies."

"He's not dead," he stated in a flat voice.

"Castle, he's dead. I unloaded my gun into him. You shot him into the fucking river. He's dead. Come on, we can get a ride back to the loft. Gates or the boys will call when they find something."

He turned to look at her as if seeing her for the first time. His eyes were dull and tired from his long ordeal. But he couldn't help but notice the bloody cut on Kate's cheek. This had been as hard on her and his family as it had been on him. "Can we go to your place?"

"Yeah. But, you need to call to let your mother and Alexis know that you're all right."

"Okay." He took her hand as they left the bridge. Her car was going to be towed to the garage, so she hailed a cab.

When it stopped in front of her apartment, she paid the driver before leading Castle into the building and up to her apartment, where she unlocked the door and led him inside. He walked over to the sofa and sat down, putting his head in his hands wearily. Kate locked the door before coming over to sit down beside him, placing her hand on his knee.

He slowly put his hands down and looked at her, his eyes red-rimmed and watery. Kate didn't say anything. She just wrapped her arms around him and pulled him to her, holding him as he sobbed out all of the fears and frustrations that he'd been holding inside for the past 24 plus hours. She softly stroked his back and held him, much as he'd held her through countless nights of nightmares and flashbacks. "It's never going to end," he said after several minutes.

"They're going to find him, Rick. If he's not dead in the river, then we're going to get him."

"Now I know how you feel about the Bracken situation. Well, maybe that was the wrong analogy—"

"Its okay, Castle. I understand what you mean. How about some breakfast? You must be starving."

"I'm not hungry. I'm just bone crushing tired."

_Come give me your sweetness_

_Now there's you there is no weakness_

_Lyin' safe within your arms I'm born again_

_I was half, not whole_

_In step with none_

_Reaching through this world in need of one_

Kate pulled him down so that he was lying flat on her lap, softly stroking his hair and his back until she heard soft snored emitting from him. She continued running his fingers through his hair as he slept, his weight heavy and warm on her legs. She continued running her long fingers through his hair as it flopped across his forehead as he slept. Her cheek throbbed where Tyson had hit her, but she didn't get up to tend to it. She didn't want to disturb Castle. She knew that it had been more than 24 hours since he'd last gotten any sleep. She was also tired, but she was used to going for long stretches without sleeping. Her job often demanded it.

His hair felt feathery soft under her fingers. Her heart swelled with love for this sweet, gentle man. Maybe one day she could actually say those words to him. Maybe she could tell him that she loved him. Tears trickled slowly down her face as she kept stroking his hair, letting her fingers trail down to his cheek as he mumbled something and burrowed his face deeper into her lap. She reached up and wiped impatiently at her face, wincing as the salt from her tears stung her face.

It was more than an hour later before Castle finally woke up. At first he was confused about his surroundings, but then he remembered where he was. He struggled to sit up. "Hey," his voice was gravelly as he sat up next to Kate. "You need to take care of that cut."

"I'm okay. How about a shower?" She stood up and held her hands out to him. "Then we can both go to bed for a few hours."

"Have you heard anything?"

"No. Like I said, it could be days, Castle."

"They're not going to find him, Kate."

"Castle—"

"He's like a fucking cat with nine lives. He's going to be my Moriarty," he made a reference to the nemesis of Sherlock Holmes.

"Come on, let's take a shower."

Kate's shower was tiny compared to the one in his loft, but for once, he didn't seem to mind. He wanted to be as close to Kate as was humanly possible. They kissed and touched, but it wasn't sexual. It was just a means of reconnecting with each other. While she longed to make love to him, she could still see how very tired he was. It was carved into his face, into his body as they washed each other.

After they got out of the shower, dried off, and got dressed, she led him into her bedroom and turned down the bed before helping him into it before climbing in after him. She picked up her cell phone and set the alarm. "We'll get up in a couple of hours and I'll fix us something to eat," she kissed him softly, feeling him curl into her body, wrapping his arms protectively around her. Only she felt like she was the one who should be protecting him for once.

It was the sounds of him calling out in his sleep that woke Kate up before the alarm had a chance to go off. She could feel him thrashing even as he kept her clutched tightly to him. She rolled over and cupped his face with her hands. "Castle," she whispered. "Rick? Come on, you're having a bad dream. Wake up."

After several minutes, his blue eyes opened to meet her green ones. "Kate?"

"I'm here," she smiled, kissing him softly. "You're home. You're safe."

He reached up and pulled her down to his shoulder, rubbing her back. "He made me watch him kill you, Kate," he choked out. "He made me watch and there was nothing that I could do."

"It was just a dream, Rick," she whispered. "Please believe me when I tell you that they're going to find him."

"Have I ever told you how much you've changed my life?" He kissed the top of her hair. "You've made me a better man, Kate."

"I think that you were that man all along. You just didn't know it."

"No, I always acted like such a child. Even when I was married to Meredith and Gina. I was all about having a good time. I thought it was all about me. Even after I started raising Alexis, I still acted like that self-centered jerk. When I fell in love with you, I realized that I could actually care about another person besides myself. I'd die if I were to lose you."

"Rick, I'm not going anywhere."

"I sometimes dream that you are. Sometimes they're stupid dreams where you leave me for Josh or for some reason, Demming," he made a face as Kate chuckled. "But, the other dreams . . . usually I dream about that day in the cemetery. Or the storage container."

"I have those dreams, too," she admitted. "For the record, I'm not about to leave you for anybody else. We fought too hard to get to where we are now."

"Well, you proved that you definitely love me."

"How so?"

"You broke me out of prison."

"I told you a long time ago that I'd get you out. Remember?" She kissed him again as his arms tightened around hers and his tongue traced her bottom lip.

"I remember everything that you say to me."

***CCC***

_Come show me your kindness_

_In your arms I know I'll find this_

_Woman, don't you know with you I'm born again  
Lyin' safe with you, I'm born again_

_Come bring me your softness_

_Comfort me through all this madness_

_Woman, don't you know with you I'm born again_

_Come give me your sweetness_

_Now there's you there is no weakness_

_Lyin' safe within your arms I'm born again_

_I was half, not whole_

_In step with none_

_Reaching through this world in need of one_

_Kate_

Castle winced as he reached up to touch the huge bruise on his chest. The bruise left by a bullet fired at close range into his bullet-proof vest. He got up and padded into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. He walked over to the mirror and raised his shirt, gasping when he saw the brilliant colors that marked his chest. "You need another ice pack," he turned to find Kate standing in the doorway, her hair rumpled from sleep.

"How's your hangover?" He walked over and pulled her into his arms.

"How's yours?" She asked back.

"I don't have one. I'm not the one who drank a 40 dollar shot."

"Esposito is _so _going to pay," she carefully pressed herself against his chest. "Go make coffee, Castle. I need to pee and take a shower. Put an ice pack on that bruise."

"Okay," he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Do you want breakfast?"

"No, just coffee."

He left her to take care of business while he went to the kitchen to make coffee. As he busied himself around the kitchen, he found himself wondering about something Kate had said the night before. When she'd told Espo that Emma wasn't his number one fan, she was.

He'd known for some time that Kate was a fan. He knew that she subscribed to his fan site and Will Sorenson had commented on the fact that she was a fan during one of their early cases. But it was something that she carefully avoided every time he brought it up. But they were a committed couple now. They'd been opening up to each other more about the other ones past. He wondered if she was ready to talk to him about her number one fan status. He really wanted to know how she'd become such a fan of his.

He looked up when Kate walked toward the kitchen, wearing a pair of sweats and one of his t-shirts, her hair damp around her shoulders. She smiled gratefully when he handed her a cup of coffee. "Thank you," she took a sip as her eyes closed blissfully.

"Can I ask you something?" He asked, coming around the counter and perching on the stool next to her. "You said last night that Emma wasn't my number one fan. That you are. You've said that before. Do you care to elaborate?"

She put her coffee cup down and smiled at the ruggedly handsome man at her side. He was sometimes annoying, childish, self-centered, and egotistical, but she could never deny that she loved him very much. "I was such a wreck when my mom died, Castle. First, with the way that she died, and then watching my dad spiraling downhill. It was rough. I guess it was about a month after she died. I was in their bedroom looking for something and I found this tattered, dog-eared book in her nightstand drawer. It was 'In a Hail of Bullets,'" she turned to smile at him. "She'd obviously read it more than a few times. I took it to my room and I think I read it in just a few hours. It made me feel like she was still with me. When I finished that one, I went and found your other books on her bookshelf. After that, I'd buy your books as soon as they hit the bookstore."

"When did you subscribe to my fan site?" He asked, suppressing a grin at the look on her face.

"Okay, so I'd get impatient. I don't remember exactly when I subscribed, but it was a year or so after my mom's murder. When your first Derrick Storm book came out, I stood in line for over an hour to get a signed copy," she grinned at him, feeling her cheeks burn hot at the look in his eyes. "I thought that you looked even hotter in person than you did on the back of your book jackets."

"So, do you still have that signed copy of Derrick Storm?" He asked as her eyes darkened and she shook her head. "What is it?"

"Castle, when my apartment blew up, I lost all of them. The ones that my mom had, the ones that I'd bought. They all . . . went up in flames."

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry," he pulled her close, brushing a kiss to her temple.

"It's silly. I mean, they were just _books_, but losing them was almost like losing my mom all over again. Losing them was harder than losing all of my other possessions. But, look at me now," she turned to give him a bright smile. "Now I've got the real thing. Having you is better than having the books. Because now I can ask you what you were thinking when you were writing some of those scenes. I read Nikki Heat and I can remember some of those things that you base your scenes on. I see them play out in my head."

"Yeah, you are definitely my number one fan," he stood up and lifted her off of the bar stool, feeling her wrap her endlessly long legs around him. "Would you like for me to sign your chest, Number One Fan?"

"No, but you can do other things to my chest, Favorite Author," she kissed him as he walked them back to his bedroom, kicking the door closed with his foot.

_Come show me your kindness_

_In your arms I know I'll find this_

_Woman, don't you know with you I'm born again  
Lyin' safe with you, I'm born again_

**A/N #4: I didn't want to make both parts dark. Please read and review.**

**I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960.**


	11. Chapter 11--Past and Present

**Disclaimers: 'Castle' is the property of Andrew Marlowe and ABC. I'm not making any money off of anything, although I wonder if Milmar is interested in an apprentice.**

**Summary: On their wedding anniversary, Jim Beckett reflects on his past and his present. This is AU using my Castle universe. Hanky alert for the third verse of this song. **

**A/N #1: The 70's had its share of sappy songs. Some of them were really bad and some of them, like the one I'm using in this chapter were really, really sad. 'Rocky' was sung by a little known artist named Austin Roberts. There was also a country crossover, but I don't know who sang it. To tell you how incredibly sad this song is, I just listened to it for probably the 5,000****th**** time and still have trouble getting through it.**

**A/N #2: I got the idea for this chapter after watching the deleted scene from 'Knockdown' where Rick and Jim Beckett meet. I thought the deleted scene was much better than what we saw in 'Knockout' when Castle met Kate's father. In the deleted scene, you can see the correlation between Jim & Johanna's love story and Rick & Kate's.**

Chapter 11: Past and Present

_Alone until my eighteenth year_

_We met four springs ago_

_She was shy and had a fear of things she did not know_

_But we got it on together in such a super way_

_We held each other close at night_

_We traded dreams each day_

_And she said, 'Rocky, I've never been in love before_

_Don't know if I can do it_

_But if you let me lean on you, take my hand_

_I might get through it, through it'_

_And I said, 'Baby, oh sweet baby,_

_It's love that sets us free_

_And God knows, if the world should end,_

_Your love is safe with me'_

It was a sunny June morning. Jim Beckett sat in his office, unable to focus on the case files sitting in front of him on his desk. Instead his eyes kept straying to the date on the calendar on the corner of his desk. June 17. If Johanna were still alive, they would've been married for 43 years. It felt like a lifetime. He looked at the picture frame on the corner of his desk. On one side was a photo of him and Johanna taken shortly after they'd gotten married and on the other side was a picture of his present. He couldn't help smiling at the three brightly smiling faces. Three perfect replicas of Jo's and Katie's smiles.

He sighed, remembering how much time he'd wasted admitting how he felt. He and Jo shared so many lunches, went to so many functions as part of the law firm that they both worked for. They had a wonderful friendship. He wanted more, but she seemed so shy to him, not that he was exactly the most exuberant guy himself

_1975_

She was talking to two of her friends when Jim shyly approached her one cool fall day. "Jim, hi," she smiled at him as she turned to walk back to her desk. "Did you need something?"

"Uh, I was wondering—"

She turned to face him. He couldn't get over how beautiful she was. Her hair was dark and was pulled into a chignon at the base of her neck. Her eyes were wide and green as she looked at him in expectation. "Yes?"

"I was wondering if you'd accompany me to the annual awards dinner on Friday night," he cast his eyes down to the floor.

"You mean, like a date? Doesn't Cromwell frown on that?" She asked, referring to the senior partner at the firm where Jim worked as a junior partner and she was clerking while she finished school.

"It doesn't have to be a date," he could feel his face burning as he looked at her once again.

"Jim, relax. I'd love to attend with you."

"Okay, then," he smiled. "I'll pick you up at seven."

"Seven sounds great," she smiled as she went to do her work.

That first non-date led to other dinners, an occasional movie or play, and eventually to walks around Central Park or ice skating in Rockefeller Center. They talked about anything and everything. "So, what're your plans?" He asked her one evening during dinner at his apartment.

"Well, I'd really like to work for a firm that specializes in civil rights. My mother and father participated in the March on Washington, so they always instilled in me the need to right the wrongs that have been done to others. What about you?" She asked, taking a sip of her wine.

"Oh, I don't know. I like what I'm doing now, working in corporate law. So, your parents are lawyers?"

"My mother is," she smiled. "My father is a judge in Essex County. And not an easy man to live with."

"They encouraged you to go into law?"

"No, not really. They wanted me to be whatever I wanted to be. When I was six, I wanted to be the first woman on the moon," she smiled as he smiled back. "My father told me that might be a little too lofty a goal. The law has always fascinated me. I'd watch 'Perry Mason,' and 'The Defenders' with my father and mother. So, did your parents want you to be a lawyer?"

"Well, my father died when I was eight. My mother just wanted me to be happy, I think. At first, I went into law because most lawyers are rich," he said as she chuckled, "but I enjoy it. I like being challenged."

"And the money's not bad," Jo added as Jim laughed.

They married in June of 1977 after being good friends for three years and dating for a little over one. Being only children, both sides of the family immediately began clamoring for grandchildren. But they both decided that they wanted a home and to be a couple together for a little while before they added a baby to the mix.

***CCC***

_Present day_

Jim glanced down at the wedding ring on his finger, remembering those early days. They both worked such long hours, often 70 or more a week. He worried that by the time they did decide to have a baby; Jo would be too exhausted to take care of it. But he smiled when he remembered the day she'd told him that she was having a baby.

_Early 1979_

_Found an old gray house_

_And you would not believe the way_

_We worked at night to fix it up, took classes in the day_

_Painting walls and sipping wine_

_Sleeping on the floor_

_With so much love for just two_

_Soon we found there'd be one more_

_And she said, 'Rocky, I've never had a baby before_

_Don't know if I can do it_

_But if you let me lean on you, take my hand_

_I might get through it, through it'_

_And I said, 'Baby, oh sweet baby,_

_It's love that sets us free_

_And God knows, if the world should end,_

_Your love is safe with me'_

He came home from work and was shocked to find Jo sitting on the sofa, crying as if her heart was going to break. "Jo? Honey, what is it? Is it your dad?" He asked, knowing that her father was recovering from recent open heart surgery.

"Jim, do you remember when I went to the doctor?" She asked, her face streaked with tears.

"Yeah. What did he say? Are you okay?"

"Jim, I'm pregnant," she began to cry again.

He didn't understand why that was a cause for tears. He chuckled softly as he put his arms around her and pulled her close. "I thought this was what we wanted. I thought that we'd decided that the time was right to have a baby."

"We did and it is," she pulled back to look at him. "But, I've never taken care of a baby, Jim! What if I mess it up?"

"Jo, I've never taken care of a baby, either. We'll mess it up together, okay?" He smiled as she finally smiled back and kissed him. "We're going to be parents, Jo! Somebody is going to be calling us mommy and daddy soon. When, by the way?"

"Mid-November. The doctor said around Thanksgiving."

"We'll raise a third generation lawyer," he grinned.

"Or maybe the first woman on the moon," she suggested with a grin of her own.

_November 17, 1979_

"So, how do you feel?" Jim stuck his head in the door, glancing at his wife lying in bed with a tightly wrapped pink bundle in her arms.

"Like I got hit by a train, but never happier in my life."

"So, have we decided on her name?" He asked, coming over and sitting next to his wife on the bed.

"Well, I thought we decided on Katherine Houghton since we're both such huge Katherine Hepburn fans. And I did go into labor while we were watching 'Bringing up Baby.' So, do you like it?"

"Katherine Houghton Beckett? Katie," he touched his newborn daughter's satiny cheek. "I love it."

"So, Katherine or Katie, it is. She kind of looks like a Katherine, doesn't she?"

"Yes, she does," he kissed her temple as they both admired their new daughter, both of them wondering what she would grow up to be.

***CCC***

_Present day_

He remembered how proud Jo had been when Katie had gotten into Stanford. He remembered how happy Katie had been to go to college across the country, to experience true freedom for the first time in her young life. His only child had never been a truly bad kid, but she'd gone through a phase that made both of her parents want to tear their hair out. But she seemed to have truly settled down and decided that she wanted to be a lawyer, just like her parents. Actually, he recalled her telling Jo that her goal was to be the first female chief justice of the Supreme Court. If things had gone as planned, he had no doubt that she would've achieved that goal. But fate had other plans.

_We had lots of problems then, but we had lots of fun_

_Like the crazy party when our baby girl turned one_

_I was proud and satisfied; life had so much to give_

'_Till the day they told me that she didn't have long to live_

_She said, 'Rocky, I've never had to die before_

_Don't know if I can do it'_

_January 13__th__, 1999_

It was bitterly cold the day the Jim Beckett watched them lower his wife's body into the ground. He held tightly to the gloved hand of Katie, who was sobbing inconsolably beside him. He wished that he could cry. The tears were there, they just refused to fall. But Katie had been crying almost continually since the night they'd come home to find Det. Raglan on their front steps. He could still remember Katie's horrified screams when he'd come home from the morgue and told her that he'd just had to identify her mother's body. His sleep was filled with images of standing next to the sheet covered body on that cold metal slab.

He found himself thankful that either his mother or Jo's parents were alive to have to live through this nightmare. He nudged Katie when he heard the minister finish his prayer over Jo's casket. He reached down for a handful of cold earth and dropped it onto the casket below, listening to the thud that it made when it hit the wood. He watched Katie's hand shaking as she picked up a handful of dirt and dropped it down before they walked back to rejoin the other mourners.

They received visitors at the house after the services. But it was exhausting. At some point, he'd seen how miserable Katie was, and that was when they left the house and took the Q train to Coney Island, even though the temperature had to be in the 30's. Coney Island was where they'd made many happy memories as a family. He'd asked Jo to marry him at Coney Island. It didn't even feel wrong to walk on the beach and laugh as they did that day. They even found materials that had washed up on the shore, which Katie used to make a silly looking little stick man.

They didn't go back to the house until shortly before sundown. When they arrived back at the house, there were still a few people who'd stayed to make sure that they were okay. It was later that night when he came into his daughter's room and found her sobbing on her bed. It was then that he gave her Jo's engagement ring, saying that she'd always wanted for Katie to have it. "Katie, I know now probably isn't the right time, but you need to decide what you're going to do," he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Going to do? About what?" She turned to look at him with tear-swollen eyes.

"About school, Katie. I don't want you to miss a lot of school. And I know that your mother wouldn't, either."

"Daddy, I can't leave you. Not now."

"Katie—"

"Can we please talk about this in a day or two? I don't feel like being pushed into making decisions just yet."

"I'm not pushing, Katie."

"I don't have to be back at school until next week. I'll decide something by the weekend."

"Okay. Try to get some sleep."

"You, too," she accepted his kiss on the forehead before turning her back.

***CCC***

_Present day_

Jim sighed deeply as he remembered those days, weeks, and months after Jo's murder. He couldn't remember exactly when he'd started drinking; only that it soon spiraled out of control. At first, he'd drink to help him sleep, but after Katie went back to school, he drank because he was lonely, because he could no longer talk to his daughter, but mainly, he drank because he could. After all, there was no one in the house to stop him. Even after Katie changed her major and transferred her credits to NYU, he continued to drink.

"You're getting maudlin, Beckett," he chastised himself, getting up from his chair. "Go visit your wife and then go see and visit your present."

_Now it's back to two again_

_The little girl and I_

_Who looks so much like her sweet mother,_

_Sometimes it makes me cry_

_I sleep alone at nights again,_

_I walk alone each day_

_And sometimes when I'm about to give in_

_I hear her sweet voice say to me_

'_Rocky, you know you've been alone before,_

_You know that you can do it_

_But if you'd like to lean on me, take my hand_

_I'll help you through it, through it'_

_I say, 'Baby, oh sweet baby,_

_It's love that sets us free_

_I told you when the world would end_

_Your love was safe with me'_

When he arrived at Johanna's headstone, he knelt down to pull some errant weeds at the base before placing the bouquet of lilies that he'd brought. "Happy anniversary, honey," he whispered in the June sunshine. "I see Katie's brought the grandbabies here recently," he smiled at the drawings that had been left. "You should see them, Jo. Of course I know that you do every time that she brings them here. You'd be crazy about them and I know they'd be crazy about their grandma Jo. Ariel's tall and graceful like Katie was when she was a little girl. Jack's all boy, which drives Katie crazy. And Hope? Hope looks so much like Katie that it's like looking into a mirror. She's so happy now, Jo. Happier than I've ever seen her. She has her work, and she has a man who loves her and she loves him, and of course she has her babies. Keep watch over us, Jo. We all miss you."

***CCC***

The moment that he pulled into the driveway of the large house in Massapequa an hour later, he was met by a flurry of arms and legs as three small bodies ran out of the front door, hurling themselves at him amid a chorus of 'Grandpa Jim!' He reached down and hoisted two-year-old Hope onto his hip while eight-year-old Ariel and five-year-old Jackson wrapped themselves around him from the sides.

"I see you've been mobbed," Kate teased as she reached out and removed Hope from him, placing the tiny girl on her own hip. "Hi, dad," she kissed and hugged him. "Are you okay?"

"It was rough earlier, but I'm perfect now," he grinned at his three grandchildren. "Where's Rick?"

"Writing. I'll let him know that you're here."

As he followed his daughter through the house, he realized that although a huge chunk of his life had been stolen from him, he'd been given so much more over the years to compensate for that loss. He'd managed to win Katie back and had acquired four grandchildren, one through Kate's marriage to Rick in the form of Alexis, and the three that Katie had given birth to. Three babies who were a combination of him, Katie, Rick Castle, and his beloved Johanna. He had more than a lot of men for which he was forever thankful.

**A/N #3: I will write all about Hope in a future story. But she will be mentioned again in a future chapter of this story. Please read and review.**

**A/N #4: I picked Massapequa because the Unmuse has a home there. He said it's also home to the Baldwin brothers and the Long Island Lolita, Amy Fisher.**

**I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960**


	12. Chapter 12--Trying to Reconnect

**Disclaimers: No I don't own 'Castle.' If I did, Castle would've hugged Beckett at the end of 'Disciple.'**

**Summary: Filler for the bathroom scene in 'Valkyrie.' That means an M-rating. Contains spoilers for episode.**

**A/N #1: I'm using 'Come Monday' by Jimmy Buffett for this chapter. **

Chapter 12: Trying to Reconnect

_Headin' up to San Francisco_

_For the Labor Day weekend show_

_I got my hush puppies on_

_I guess I never was meant for glitter rock 'n' roll_

_And honey, I didn't know_

_That I'd be missin' you so_

_Come Monday_

_It'll be all right_

_Come Monday_

_I'll be holdin' ya tight_

_I spent four lonely days in a brown L.A. haze_

_And I just want you back by my side_

It seemed like an endless flight from one coast to another. Rick Castle sat in first class, toying with his glass of Scotch as he thought about what he had waiting for him when he got back home. Alexis wasn't due back from Costa Rica for another week, and Kate was flying down later that afternoon to spend the weekend with him.

He smiled as his mind went to thoughts of his fiancée. She'd been in D.C. for two months and they'd only been able to see each other briefly once during that time. Back at the beginning of the summer. She'd miraculously been able to get four days off during her intense training with the FBI and they'd spent it at Chesapeake Bay, walking on the beach and making love in front of a roaring fireplace in the little cottage he'd rented for them. Then she'd had to go back to work and he had this grueling book tour. They talked every day, but talking to her via electronic technology wasn't the same as holding her and kissing her and touching her. He could close his eyes and remember how she smelled and how she tasted when her lips and tongue met with his, how her skin felt under his fingertips.

He smiled when he thought of the souvenirs he'd bought her. Knowing how she loved to sleep in his t-shirts, he'd bought her several oversized t-shirts to sleep in. Of course they served a dual purpose. Oversized t-shirts made her more easily accessible to him when he sought her out in the middle of the night. He looked at his watch. Another hour until the plane landed at JFK. Soon, he'd be in his own home, sleeping in his own bed, and eating his own food without having to listen to the nagging voice of his publisher/ex-wife in his ear.

While waiting in baggage claim later, he sent Kate a quick text. **'I just landed back home in NYC. I can't wait to see u later. ILY.'**

But when he walked into the loft just over an hour later, he was hit with one hell of a shock. Alexis was home early and she hadn't come home alone. She'd brought a boy with her. A boy who looked like the son of rocker John Oates. A boy who'd been sharing his daughter's bed while he was gone by the looks of it. And then the proverbial icing on the cake had been Kate calling to tell him that she had to cancel their plans because she'd just had a huge case dropped in her lap.

_Yes, it's been quite a summer_

_Rent-a-cars and westbound trains_

_And now you're off on vacation_

_Something you tried to explain_

_And darlin', since I love you so_

_That's the reason I just let you go_

_Come Monday_

_It'll be all right_

_Come Monday_

_I'll be holdin' ya tight_

_I spent four lonely days in a brown L.A. haze_

_And I just want you back by my side_

Castle sat in his office pouting as he thought about the phone call from Kate. When he'd asked her to marry him in May, she'd been worried that they wouldn't be able to make this long distance thing work. He'd assured her that they could and that they would. But it wasn't turning out to be as easy as it had looked on paper. Take this huge case, for example. If she were still in New York, they could build theory together. But, since she'd joined this task force, it was rare that she could even _talk _about her cases, let alone use him to build theory.

"You do realize that she has to sleep some time," he looked up to find his mother standing in the doorway. "Katherine. She has to sleep at some point. All work and no play, you know? And, the last time I checked, the plane does fly _both _ways."

"You're right," he jumped to his feet, running over and kissing his mother on the cheek. "Let me just grab my bag! Can you let Alexis know—"

"Go!" Martha shooed him out the door.

***CCC***

Kate was miserable after ending the call with Castle. She'd been looking forward to seeing him in the flesh. She wanted his help decorating the condo. She wanted to wake up in the morning and cuddle up with him. She hadn't been able to touch him since late June when they'd gone to Chesapeake Bay for a long weekend. Since then, her newly engaged life had consisted of long phone calls and video chats.

She liked her new job with the FBI task force, but she was so lonely. She was low man on the totem pole and most of her new colleagues had no problem reminding her of that fact. Even earlier that day, she'd failed a training exercise miserably, reenacting a moment that cut a little too close to home. At least this time the blood on her chest was fake and not the real thing.

"I'm sorry if your plans are being ruined," her new partner, Rachel McCord, told her. "But, you're a fed now. So, you might as well get used to that little fact of life. Maybe if we get things wrapped up, you can still squeeze in a little time with your boyfriend."

Kate didn't want to 'squeeze' in a little time with Castle. She missed sitting at her new desk and not seeing him sitting there, playing Angry Birds on his phone or staring at her while she did paperwork. "I guess that we should get to work then," she said, looking at McCord.

***CCC***

There was a flight that left New York for Reagan National in D.C. every hour on the hour. Castle arrived in the nation's capital late that afternoon. He walked out and hailed a cab, giving the driver the address of Beckett's condo. Punching in the gate code once they arrived, the cabbie dropped him off at the front door. After paying the driver, Castle pulled out the key that Kate had given him and entered the condo.

He noticed packing boxes still stacked by one wall. He took his bag to the bedroom and put it at the foot of the bed. He frowned as he couldn't help but notice that she hadn't done any more unpacking than she had when he'd last seen the apartment during his visit earlier in the summer. She'd placed a few framed photographs out on a knick-knack shelf in her living room, but that seemed to be the extent of her decorating. He smiled as he looked at the pictures. Besides the ones of her father and mother, she'd also placed one of the two of them that had been taken during their trip to Chesapeake Bay.

He walked over to the refrigerator and opened it, peering inside. Except for a container of milk, she had no other food. He hoped that he wouldn't have to wait too long for her to come home. He'd missed her terribly.

He had dozed off in a large comfortable armchair in her living room when he heard her key in the front door. He squinted as he looked at his watch. It was after nine. He watched as she placed her purse and her jacket down before walking into the bathroom and turning on the light. He stood up, watching her unbutton her blouse. He slowly moved toward her, but a creaking floorboard caused her to whirl around, gun in hand. "Hey, would you mind taking that off first before you shoot me?" He asked, hands raised in self-defense.

"Cas . . . Castle?" She asked in shock, slowly lowering her glock.

"I know that I promised to respect your job, but I just couldn't go one more minute without seeing you," he walked into the bathroom, where he stopped next to her.

Her smile was joyous, just as it had been the last time they'd been together. "You . . . you shouldn't have come here."

"So, do you want me to leave?"

"Oh, immediately," she grabbed his face and lunged herself at him, her lips searing and urgent on his, as she made an attempt to climb up his body, first with her arms and then by bringing her leg up over his hip. "Oh, god," she moaned into his mouth as their hands frantically roamed each other's clothed bodies.

_I can't help it, honey_

_You're that much a part of me now_

_Remember that night in Montana?_

_When we said there'd be no room for doubt?_

_I hope you're enjoyin' the scenery_

_I know that it's pretty up there_

_We can go hikin' on Tuesday_

_With you, I'd walk anywhere_

_California has worn me quite thin_

_I just can't wait to see you again_

Castle finished unbuttoning Kate's shirt, pulling it off of her shoulders as she reluctantly released her ironclad grip on him so he could pull it off and let it flutter to the floor. He then let his hands roam her back and sides before he reached up to unclasp the front clasp on her bra, pulling it off of her shoulders. "Fuck, Castle," she growled against his mouth when she once again was forced to let go of him.

"I'm trying to get you naked, Beckett," he growled back.

She gave a small hop, wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. "Take me to the bedroom," she smiled before kissing him once again.

He grabbed her ass to hold her tighter to him as he walked them both to Kate's bedroom before setting her down on her bed. He then removed her shoes, socks, and slacks, leaving her clad in dark blue panties. She bit her lip as she eyed the undeniable bulge in his pants. She then reached out, impatiently unbuckling his belt, and then undoing his pants, tugging them down his legs. She then reached into his boxers, wrapping her hand around his arousal, brushing her thumb over his tip as he thrust into her hand. After a few minutes she released him and hooked her fingers into the sides of his boxers and yanked them off of him. He stepped out of them when they pooled at his feet, kicking them to one side.

He then settled himself over her body, his lips hungry on hers, his tongue exploring the warm recesses of her mouth. "Castle," she let out a whimper when he left her mouth to kiss the column of her long neck, nipping gently at her pulse point, causing her to jump against him. She shifted her pelvis against his erection, earning her an answering growl from Castle. But, at least he seemed to get the hint, since she instantly felt his fingers swirling through her wetness, brushing against her clit, setting her further aflame. "Castle, get inside of me. Now!"

He rose up to give her an impish grin before he yanked her panties off of her and entered her with a savage thrust that made her cry out against him. She clung to him as he moved hard and deep inside of her, their cries reverberating off of the walls of the small bedroom. She wrapped her legs around his waist, changing the angle and depth of his penetration, causing her to feel him everywhere. She could feel the tension coiling deep inside of her. But she wanted more. Pushing at him, she managed to roll them over without breaking their connection,

Castle's hands reached up to pinch and roll her erect nipples between his thumb and forefingers as she moved on top of him, her breaths coming in rapid gusts as her orgasm started. He felt her tighten and flutter around him as she gave a loud keening cry. He brought her down so that his mouth could latch onto hers as he thrust up into her, feeling his own release bearing down on him. "Kate, come for me again," he whispered against her lips as he reached his fingers down, pressing hard against her swollen nub as she jerked against him. "Come on, baby."

She reached her hand down, placing it over his as they worked together. "Harder, Castle! Shit! I'm almost there! Oh, God!" She screamed out, as her fingers stilled over his, but she could feel his fingers continuing to work on her wet, swollen flesh. "No more, Castle! Too . . . too sensitive."

She collapsed on his chest as she felt him come deep inside of her. She sighed contentedly at the feeling of his large, warm hands caressing her bare back. She whimpered in disappointment when he slowly rolled them so that they were laying side by side, her body bereft at the loss of their intimate connection. He planted soft, open mouth kisses to her shoulder and neck as they began to slowly come back to planet earth. "I missed you, so much."

"I missed you, too. But, you're lucky that I didn't shoot you."

"Did you solve your case?" He kissed her hair.

"No. I have to go in early in the morning. I had the day from hell, Castle," she wrapped her body tighter into his. "I'm glad you came."

_Come Monday_

_It'll be all right_

_Come Monday_

_I'll be holdin' ya tight_

_I spent four lonely days in a brown L.A. haze_

_And I just want you back by my side_

**A/N #3: How great was 'Disciple?' OMG! Season 6 is shaping up to be the best season since Season 4. I hope that the momentum continues after the winter break. I might add a post-Disciple chapter to this story as soon as I figure out which song I want to use. **

**I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960. Please R&R.**


	13. Chapter 13--The 2 point 5 Kids and a Dog

**Disclaimers: 'Castle' is owned by the genius that is Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC. I only own the story.**

**Summary: Castle and Beckett need a larger home for their expanding family. Post-Season 6. **_**Seriously**_** Post-Season 6. **

**A/N #1: After Chapter 11, I've had a lot of followers asking about baby Hope. Right now, all I have is a name. I planned on Caskett having three babies even before 'Time will Tell' aired. The only thing I knew for sure was I didn't want multiple births. **

**A/N #2: The song for this chapter is 'Our House' by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young. **

Chapter 13: The 2.5 Kids and a Dog

_I'll light the fire_

_You place the flowers in the vase that you bought today_

_Staring at the fire, for hours and hours_

_While I listen to you play your love songs all night long_

_For me, only for me_

"But, why do we have to move?" Six-year-old Ariel Castle asked her father, on a cold night in the late fall. "I don't want to move. I don't want to leave Eduardo. What's going to happen to our house?"

"Sweetie, your baby sister's going to be here in a few weeks," Castle patiently explained to his extremely stubborn daughter. "We talked about this. I thought that you and Jack were excited about the house. If we get the new house, you'll have a yard to play in. We can get a dog."

"I don't want a dog," Ariel whined. "I want a cat. _Two _of them. A gray one and a white one. I'm going to name them Salt and Pepper."

"Okay, we can get a cat, too. Ariel, if we stay here, you'll have to share your bedroom with Hope. Do you really want to share your room with a crying, stinky baby?"

"No, I guess not. But, can we come and visit Eduardo?" She asked, referring to the longtime doorman.

"Sweetie, you'll still see plenty of Eduardo. Gram's going to be living here in the loft."

"Really?" Ariel's face lit up.

"Yes. Alexis and Brian don't need to live here because they have their townhouse."

"Can I pick out my own room?"

"With the exception of mine and mommy's room, you can have your pick of the other four bedrooms."

"Thank you, daddy," Ariel threw her arms around her father's neck.

"Now, let's go downstairs before mommy and Jack eat all of the popcorn," he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder before they walked downstairs.

Kate glanced toward the stairs when she heard Castle's heavy tread. "Castle, she's too big for you to carry like that," she warned him as he walked over to the sofa and plopped Ariel down next to her three-year-old brother.

It was family movie night in the Castle household, which always started out with the four of them cuddled close together on the sofa, but invariably, always ended up in a tangle of arms and legs when the tickling started.

"Daddy, stop! I'm trying to watch this!" Ariel protested when her father's fingers began tickling her ribs. "Stop! Mommy, help!"

"Hey, fight your own battles!" Kate told her daughter just as Jack got in on the act.

She loved being a mom. Watching her son and daughter grow and develop their own unique personalities always made her smile. So much had happened in the three and a half years since Jack's birth. She and Castle had each gone through individual and couple's therapy to get to where they were now. They made it a point to talk to each other about every issue that might come up, no matter how minor. There were no more secrets, no more running and hiding. Kate had even managed to curb some of the selfish behavior that had almost caused her to lose Jack.

She absently rubbed her hugely swollen abdomen, feeling her unborn daughter's kicks under her hands. "Can I feel? Is she awake?" Jack asked, placing his small hands on her belly, laughing when they both felt Hope kick. "Mommy, how does she get out of there?"

"I'll bring up the video on the Internet," Ariel offered.

"Uh, no you won't, either," Kate told her. "I showed you that video because you're older. Which was a mistake. I didn't know it was going to be _that _graphic."

"But, it's a good form of birth control," Castle added as Kate threw a handful of popcorn at him. "Hey, I don't want my daughter being a future 'Maury' episode."

"Is it like watching kissing in movies?" Jack made a face. "Is that how babies are born? I hate kissing!"

This pregnancy had been magical. The morning sickness had been minimal just like it had been with Ari. That was how Kate knew that it was a girl. And when they saw the ultrasound confirming it, she was thrilled, though she felt a twinge of sympathy for Castle, who was now going to be almost totally overrun with women. His only partner in crime was Jack, who was so much like his father that it made Kate laugh and roll her eyes alternately. But, they had also decided that Hope was going to be their last baby. Three babies, each being three years apart, were plenty, although Castle had suggested that they needed a summer baby since they already had a spring, fall, and winter one. Kate had been quick to veto that idea, quickly reminding him that she was the one who had to squeeze these babies out. She told him that the day he could do it was when he could dictate just how many they would have.

Now they were going to be moving into their new house. They'd found a five bedroom, four bath house in Massapequa, Long Island. It was an older home with a huge front and back yard, big trees in the yards, a good school nearby as well as a park. They were quickly outgrowing the loft, especially with the impending new arrival. They were closing in the next week and had plans to move in that weekend. Castle had already recruited the boys, Brian, and Kate's father. Kate had already been told that she wasn't to do a thing. She was fine with that. She just wanted to get the nursery done before the baby's arrival around the first of November.

_Come to me now_

_And rest your head for just five minutes_

_Everything is good_

_Such a cozy room_

_The windows are illuminated_

_By the evening sunshine through them, the fiery gems_

_For you, only for you_

"So, is Ari okay with the move now?" Kate called out to Castle, who was in the bathroom brushing his teeth.

"That girl is a born politician," he said, turning off the bathroom light and coming to bed. "I think Simon Doyle called it wrong when he said you were the Senator."

"She's a born negotiator. My dad thinks she's going to go into law. So, what did she negotiate out of you?"

"She wants two cats. A gray one and a white one. Their names are going to be Salt and Pepper," he smiled at her.

"I thought that we were going to get them a dog."

"There's no law that says that we can't have both, is there?"

"No, I guess not," she took his hand and placed it on her stomach. "Hope likes listening to her daddy. Read us a story, Castle."

She lay back, smiling, as Castle picked up his Kindle Fire and began reading. "Hey, put that elbow back," Castle caressed the huge lump that suddenly appeared on Kate's abdomen. "No crazy escape attempts like your brother."

"I actually think that's a knee," Kate said. "Because her butt is right here."

"Okay, Hope Beckett Castle," Castle kissed Kate's abdomen as she giggled. "Go to sleep. Mommy and daddy are tired."

***CCC***

_Our house_

_Is a very, very fine house_

_With two cats in the yard_

_Life used to be so hard_

_Now everything is easy 'cause of you_

_And our la, la, la la la la, la, la_

All of the adults were sitting in the living room, drinking beers, or in the case of Kate and her father, water while the two kids raced up and down the stairs. Their belongings and furnishings were all over the place. "When did we get so much stuff?" Kate made a face.

"It looks like a lot, but once you start making the place your own, you won't even notice it," Jenny Ryan told Kate. "Lanie and I will come over bright and early tomorrow to help you. Don't you do anything by yourself."

"I won't," Kate smiled.

They made sure that all of the beds were set up so that they'd have something to sleep on that night. Castle came into Ariel's room to say goodnight, smiling when he found her sitting on her knees in front of her window, head resting on her elbows. "So, you like this room the best?" He came over and knelt down beside her.

"You can see the church steeple," she smiled at her father, a smile that revealed two missing front teeth. "Daddy, are you still going to have time for me and Jack after Hope gets here?"

"Why? Do you think that I won't? Let me tell you something about mommy's and daddy's. I just had Alexis until you came along, so my heart got a little bit bigger. Then when Jack was born, my heart got bigger again. So, now when your baby sister gets here, my heart will be as big as the Empire State Building. That's how mommy's and daddy's do it when they have lots of kids."

"Daddy, we don't have lots of kids," Ariel stated wisely. "My friend Taylor has six brothers and sisters. Some are her mommy's, some are her daddy's, and some are both of theirs. It's very confusing."

"I'm sure that it is," he chuckled, scooping her into his arms. "But, right now, it's time for little girls to be in bed." He carried her over to her bed, and put her under the blankets. "Mommy will be in to kiss you goodnight in just a little bit. Sweet dreams, sweet pea."

Kate was in Jack's room, reading to him from Thomas the Tank, smiling as his eyes got droopier and droopier while he fought to stay awake. "When are we getting a dog?" He asked sleepily, his thumb falling out of his mouth.

"Soon. Do you want a big dog or a little dog?"

"A really big dog."

"Okay, daddy and I are going to talk about this really big dog. But, for right now, you need to go to sleep. Daddy will be in to kiss you goodnight. I love you, tough guy," she kissed his forehead as his chubby arms wound around her neck.

A little while later, she was in the bathroom brushing her teeth when Castle came in and stood next to her, preparing to brush his own teeth. "I just realized something," he looked at her. "We've been married for seven years, but today was the first time that I _really _felt married."

"Castle, we have two and three quarter's kids. We're going to be getting a dog and two cats. How is it that you're just now feeling married?"

"Because, until today we didn't have a house with a yard and trees. Sure, the loft was home, but could you have seen us in the loft with three kids, a dog, and two cats?"

"Not without a great deal of therapy," she grinned. "Or a referee."

"Just think," he said, following her into their bedroom after they'd brushed their teeth. "Now, I can invite Alexis over and we can have great laser tag battles."

"I keep forgetting something," she put her hand on her husband's chest. "I don't have four kids. I have five. Sometimes you're the biggest kid of them all."

"After you have Hope and she gets big enough, I can teach her to play laser tag, too. That way, when we play, it'll be even teams of three," he looked at Kate, his eyes shining brightly as she just rolled her eyes.

"Get some sleep, Castle, because tomorrow your son is going to start pestering you about getting him a really big dog."

"Cool! Can't wait," he kissed her before she turned off the light.

_Our house_

_Is a very, very fine house_

_With two cats in the yard_

_Life used to be so hard_

_Now everything is easy 'cause of you_

_And our la, la, la la la la, la, la_

_I'll light the fire_

_You place the flowers in the vase that you bought today_

**A/N #3: I included the five kids, because I would think by now that Kate would count Alexis as one of her children. So, with the two kids, Castle, and baby Hope, that makes five.**

**A/N #4: I gave the Unmuse the task of helping me come up with a story for baby Hope. I have a name. Why did Kate and Rick name her Hope? He's always up for a good challenge.**

**A/N #5: I made it to 100 reviews. Thank you everybody who has read, reviewed, and followed. I couldn't do what I do without you guys.**

**I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960.**


	14. Chapter 14--If Not for You

**Disclaimers: Nope, still not mine. I own nothing.**

**Summary: Continuation for Chapter 7. What happens during Castle's hospitalization and the three days that Kate takes care of Castle in New York after the poisoning? Will Kate fall down the rabbit hole again?**

**A/N #1: The song I'm using in this chapter is called 'If Not for You,' written by Bob Dylan and sung by Olivia Newton-John. It was her first Top 40 hit in 1971. I was torn between this song and another one, but after listening to the words, I think this one fits the chapter better.**

**A/N #2: Everybody seems troubled by the fact that Kate was so stoic in 'Dreamworld.' I think that it took every ounce of strength that she had not to fall apart. I wrote a bit about that at the end of Chapter 7. In this chapter, I'm hopefully going to let her get it all out about how scared she was.**

Chapter 14: If Not for You

_If not for you, babe, I couldn't even find the door_

_I couldn't even see the floor_

_I'd be sad and blue, if not for you_

'Breathe,' Agent Kate Beckett kept telling herself as she watched her fiancé as he slept restlessly. His skin was still so pale, but at least he was no longer that awful bluish gray color that he'd been when she'd found him on the ground just hours earlier.

Martha, Alexis, and Pi had left to go get something to eat. Castle had been awake earlier chatting with them, but they saw how easily he tired, so they'd reluctantly excused themselves. She looked up as the door opened and the doctor entered the room. "Still here, Agent Beckett? I thought that you'd go with Mr. Castle's family to get something to eat."

"I wasn't hungry. How is he?"

"His vital signs are slowly improving. If he has a good night, I'll probably release him in the morning. He should stay in D.C. for a day or two, but then I see no reason for him not to return to New York, provided he sees his own doctor."

"I'm going to go back to New York with him for a few days. Is there anything that I should be looking for?"

"He's going to be easily fatigued," the doctor looked at her. "That will probably last several weeks. He may have periods of rapid heartbeat for a few days. He's going to be fine, Agent Beckett. Although if he hadn't received the antidote when he had—"

"Thank you, doctor," Kate quickly thanked him as he turned and left the room.

"Harbinger of doom," she heard a mumble from Castle's bed. She found him looking at her with a small smile playing on his lips. "You should go home and get some sleep."

"I will. Lanie's flying in later this evening. Do you want to fly back to New York or do you want me to drive you? Flying takes less time, but you won't be able to move around. If we drive back, I can stop the car and you can walk around and stretch if you need to." 

"How long can you stay?"

"Rachel told me that Villante and the AG have given me three days off. Then I have to come back to work," she looked down at her folded hands on the edge of his bed. "I don't want to leave you alone, Castle. It wasn't supposed to be this fucking hard."

"What? The job or us?" He whispered.

"Either. Both. I don't know," she sighed.

"I believe that you told me once that things have never been easy when it comes to us. But, I remember telling you that that's what makes it all worthwhile. We're going to figure this out, Kate," he reached his hand out and covered hers. "Let's fly back. Where are my mother and Alexis?"

"They went to get something to eat. They should be back soon."

"When they get here, I want you to go get something to eat. Take a walk; get some air."

"Castle—"

"Kate, I don't need you to sit here to hold my hand. Besides, I want to talk to mother and Alexis."

"Okay. Lanie's going to be here soon, anyway."

Martha, Alexis, and Pi walked into the room 45 minutes later, so Kate excused herself after kissing Castle. Dinner consisted of a bag of plain M&M's and a cup of coffee. However, she did take Castle's advice about taking a walk. She went outside and walked around the hospital grounds, her hands in her pockets, her thoughts jumbled. She had been so scared earlier. She'd been scared every second for almost the past 24 hours. She kept thinking of how scared Castle had looked every time she'd seen him at headquarters. All she had wanted to do was grab his hand and run away with him. To take him back to her condo and just hold him, or having him hold her.

Being in his arms had been her safe place for the past year. Once she'd explained all about her problems with PTSD, he had been there to pull her back from the edge of the abyss so many times. Now it was her turn to take care of him. It was her turn to pull him back. She walked back into the hospital where Rachel was waiting for her. They were talking when Lanie got there. "Hey, girl," Lanie hugged Kate tightly. "How is he?"

"He's going to be okay. The doctor said he should be released in the morning. Thank you for coming."

***CCC***

_If not for you, babe, the night would see me wide awake_

_The day would surely have to break_

_It would not be new, if not for you_

_If not for you, my sky would fall_

_Rain would gather, too_

_Without your love, I'd be nowhere at all_

_I'd be lost, if not for you_

After staying at Kate's condo for two days, they decided to fly back to New York. They were sitting, waiting to board an American Airlines flight. Kate couldn't help but notice how tired Castle still seemed. His first day home at her condo had been spent sleeping. The day before he had managed to get out of bed for part of the day, but they'd both fallen into bed early the night before. "I'm going to get some coffee. Do you want some?" She asked.

"No," he smiled at her. "Why don't you sit here and I'll get your coffee?"

"Castle, you always get me coffee."

"Because I like to see you smile," he kissed her forehead. "I haven't seen you smile in days."

"Okay," she bit her lip, giving him a small smile.

"I'll be right back."

Strolling to the nearby Starbucks, Castle couldn't help but worry about Kate. He'd tried to talk to her about what had happened a few days before, but every time he brought it up, she was quick to change the subject. When she thought that he wasn't watching her, he'd see that haunted look in her eyes. The look that had often been in her eyes after her shooting. The look that told him the truth about how terrified she'd been during that awful day. He wanted to take her home and hold her, let her cry out her fears and frustration. He wanted to tell her that he was going to be fine; that he was never going to do anything this stupid ever again.

He bought and paid for her coffee before walking back over to her. She smiled, taking the cardboard cup from his hand. "Thank you, Castle," he sat down and took her hand in his, squeezing it gently. "Are you sure you're okay to fly?"

"Kate, I think I can handle sitting in first class for 45 minutes as opposed to a five-hour car ride. The doctors gave me a clean bill of health. They even told me that if I eat reasonably well, the fatigue will let up faster."

"That's good," she kissed him softly.

"Do you want to talk about what has you so scared?"

"Not now, Castle," she shook her head.

Castle realized that was progress. The old Kate would've denied that anything had her scared. Since their engagement, they'd both been much more open with each other. He knew how hard she was trying to stop running and hiding. And he was making the effort to let her know just what she meant to him. There was no more taking her for granted.

He was about to say something more when their flight was called. He stood up and took her hand, leading her to the boarding gate. When she sat down in her window seat, she remembered the first time she'd flown first class with Castle. She remembered reading the letter from Royce on the plane when they were coming back. She still had that letter tucked away in her jewelry box. "What're you thinking about?" He sat down next to her.

"Remind me to show you something when we get back home."

"I love it when you refer to the loft as home."

"That's because it's where you are and you are my home."

***CCC***

_If not for you, the winter would hold no spring_

_Couldn't hear a robin sing_

_I just wouldn't have a clue, if not for you_

Castle had warned Kate about how crowded the loft was with the addition of Pi, but she'd laughed it off. After all, Pi was just one extra person. She'd stayed there plenty of times after they'd started sleeping together, and the loft hadn't felt crowded then. But once inside, she realized that she'd been wrong to laugh about Castle's concerns. She was sure that Alexis' boyfriend was really a very nice young man. He just seemed to have a problem understanding boundaries and his new-age remedies and advice seemed to grate on Rick's nerves.

It didn't take a rocket scientist for Martha, Alexis, and Pi to see that Kate and Rick really wanted to be alone. So after dinner, the three of them announced that they had plans for the evening. Castle rested against the back of the sofa with Kate in the 'v' of his legs. She loved being in the loft with him, just the two of them relaxing over glasses of wine. It was warm, safe, and _home_.

Castle caressed her shoulders, feeling her relax further as she almost melted into him. He took her left hand, his fingers gently caressing her ring finger, tracing the diamonds in her engagement ring, proud and happy to see the sign of her commitment to him displayed so prominently. When she was on the job, his ring hung next to her mom's on the chain around her neck. But that made him happy, too, to know that she loved him enough to allow the ring to hang beside her mother's. "You said on the plane that you had something that you wanted to show me," he reminded her.

"Oh, I almost forgot," she got up from the sofa. "I'll be right back." She came back a minute later with a folded up sheet of paper in her hands. "This is the letter that Royce left me before he died. I want you to read it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

He took the paper from Kate and began to read, smiling at the words. "Can I ask you a question?" He handed her the paper after he'd finished reading. "Did you come out of your room that night in L.A.? I thought that I heard your door open after I went to my room."

"I don't know what happened that night, Castle. I went to my room and the only thing that I could think about was how badly I wanted you. I don't know if it was because I'd been talking about Royce and I wanted to be comforted, or if it was something else. I fought it for several minutes, and then I decided to go to you, but when I came out of my room, your door was shutting."

"Why didn't you come to me?"

"I was scared," she admitted. "I was with Josh and I didn't want to cheat on him. There were so many reasons why I didn't come to you."

"Well, we sure as hell weren't fooling anybody."

"No, we weren't," she smiled a tentative smile.

"Kate, sit down," he patted the space where she'd been sitting moment earlier. "Talk to me. Are you angry because I poked my nose into your case?"

"I should be, but I'm not. You were so alone, Castle, and there wasn't anything that I could do. Every time I left the building with Rachel, I was afraid that I was going to come back and find out that you were worse. Then, when we were in the car going to the Reeds' house," she took a deep breath, "and I saw you struggling to stay with me—"

"Kate—"

"I just wanted to take you home, Castle," her voice was barely above a whisper. "I just wanted to take you home, away from the feds, away from the danger, away from the fact that you were dying and there was nothing that I could do to stop it."

Her voice broke as she began sobbing. Castle sat up and pulled her into his arms. She tightened her arms around his waist, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt in her hands. He rubbed her back as she cried, her body shaking. "Kate, I'm so, so sorry," he crooned as he continued rubbing her back. "I shouldn't have stuck my nose into your case. I broke my promise to you."

"What promise?" She pulled back from him.

"When I told you that I'd respect your job. I got you in trouble with your bosses and it's not like it was when you'd get in trouble with Gates or the Chief of D's. This time your boss is the Federal government."

"Castle, its okay," she cupped his face in her palms. "I mean, they might not be as understanding as Gates, but I'm not going to worry about that. If they fire me, they fire me."

"Do you hate it that much?"

"I don't hate it. I'm just having trouble finding my niche. I miss having my partner with me."

"I miss my partner, too," he pulled her against his chest once again, feeling her wrap her arms around his waist, her chin resting on his chest.

Kate sighed as she nestled against him. Castle always gave the best hugs. His body was so broad and solid, perfect for losing herself in. He always made her feel so safe when he held her close to him, his heartbeat thudding rhythmically under her ear. "Before you came along, I was so lost, Castle. After my mom was killed, I forgot how to be happy. I always felt like I was just going through the motions of living. You taught me how to live again. You taught me what it's like to be a part of a family. But, most of all, you taught me what it's like to love so completely that it makes my heart ache."

"I don't think that I taught you any of that, Kate. I think that it was inside you all along, you just needed to remember how to do it."

"I love you so, so much, Rick. I don't want these three days to end. I don't want to go back to D.C. and leave you again."

"Shh," he shushed her.

"Can we just stay like this for the rest of the evening?"

"Well, we could until one of us had to go to the bathroom or we got hungry. Or until Alexis and Pi got home and Pi wanted to go to bed."

"Oh, so he's not sleeping—" she sat back to look at Castle, who had a look of horror on his face.

"Not only no, but hell no. Although I think the sleeping arrangement was slightly different while I was gone on my book tour."

Looking into his deep blue eyes, Kate had sudden flashes of him lying on the green grass of the Reeds' home. Her heart began to pound and her breathing sped up. She closed her eyes to try to cope with the feelings of panic, but none of her calming mechanisms were working.

Castle could see her flashing back, much as she still did sometimes because of the shooting. She had instructed him as to what to do and so had Dr. Burke when she had the attacks. "Kate?" He called her name softly, his heart breaking at the sight of her fighting the feelings of panic that had to be racing through her. "Kate?" He said her name again. "Come on, come back to me. I'm okay. Breathe. You're doing great. Take some deep breaths. Think of something else."

"I can't," her voice came out on a broken whimper.

"Remember our first walk on the beach in the Hamptons? The sand was so white, and all you could see for miles was the Atlantic. The sky was so blue that day. You even told me that you'd never seen the sky that blue. Do you remember?"

Finally, the constricting feeling in her chest began to ease and she could breathe once again. She slowly opened her eyes to find Castle watching her. "I'm supposed to be taking care of you, Castle. You're the one who almost died."

"Kate, this affected both of us. I saw it in your eyes every time you looked at me that day. The fear that you were going to lose me. Let's take care of each other. Okay?"

"Okay."

***CCC***

_If not for you, my sky would fall_

_Rain would gather, too_

_Without your love, I'd be nowhere at all_

_I'd be lost, if not for you_

_If not for you, the winter would hold no spring_

_Couldn't hear a robin sing_

_I just wouldn't have a clue, if not for you_

By the time she had to go back to D.C. three days later, Kate knew that Castle was once again going to be okay. The last two days he'd been his usual joking self, making her and the other occupants of the loft laugh. "I'll try to get a weekend off soon so that I can either fly back here or you can come up to D.C. I'm going to miss you," she kissed him, not wanting to tear herself away from him.

"I'm going to miss you, too. But, I'll talk to you every night and I'll text you 700 times a day," he teased.

She had no doubt that much was true. They both made faces when the final call for her flight was called. "I'll call you when I get back to my condo," she hated referring to it as home because in her mind, it wasn't. Not without Castle.

"Okay. I love you," he kissed her once again. "You'd better go or you're going to miss your plane."

"I know," she picked up her carry-on. "I love you, Castle."

He watched her walk away, his heart longing to follow her. She was right. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. They needed to work something out so that they could be together all of the time. He decided to go home and call real estate agents in the D.C. area. He needed to be with Kate and it was obvious by the number of panic attacks and flashbacks she had gone through in the last three days that Kate also needed to be with him.

Kate turned before she entered the gangway that led to the plane. Her eyes met Castle's as she gave him a bright smile and raised her arm, waving at him. He smiled and waved back before blowing her a kiss, which she made a sign of catching and placing all over her face.

After she stowed her carry-on and took her seat, Kate wiped at the tears on her face. She knew that there was no guarantee when she'd get to see Castle again. It could be this next weekend or it could be three or four weeks. She twisted the ring on her finger, asking herself for the 100th time if maybe she'd made an awful mistake. Her job might be in D.C., but her mind and her heart were in New York City with Castle. She knew that he was a short plane ride away if she needed him, but she really needed him with her all of the time. They had to come up with a better plan for this to work.

**A/N #3: I had trouble ending this one. So, I thought that was as good a place as any.**

**A/N #4: Next week, my updates will be sporadic after Wednesday. I'm going out of town for the Thanksgiving holiday (Yay!) and while I will be taking my laptop, I don't know how often I'll actually be on the Internet. **

**A/N #5: Finally, a shout out to all of my reviewers. Thank you so much for the suggestions and the great words. **

**I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960.**


	15. Chapter 15--A Long Road to Recovery

**Disclaimers: 'Castle' is the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC Studios. No copyright infringement is intended. The story is the property of the author and may not be archived without her permission.**

**Summary: The summer after Kate's shooting. There will be one chapter from Kate's POV using one song and one from Castle's POV using a different song. Contains spoilers from 4x01 'Rise.'**

**A/N #1: Sorry I've been gone from this story for so long. I was trying to work on my story for the Winter ficathon. Now that I've completed that, I can continue with this one. **

**A/N #2: The song for this chapter is 'Haven't got Time for the Pain' by Carly Simon. **

**A/N #3: This chapter will be mainly Kate and Jim Beckett. Castle won't make an appearance until the end.**

Chapter 15: A Long Road to Recovery

_June_

_All those crazy nights_

_When I cried myself to sleep_

_Now melodrama never makes me weep anymore_

'_Cause I haven't got time for the pain_

_I haven't got room for the pain_

_I haven't the need for the pain_

_Not since I've known you_

"Are you sure that you want to do this?" Jim Beckett asked his only child for the zillionth time in the past two weeks. "Once I leave, you're going to be out there alone, miles from help."

"Dad, I'm sure," Kate sighed, wincing against the ever present pain in her chest. "I'll be okay. I don't plan on going on any 20 mile hikes. At least not for the first week or so."

She had spent the past month focusing on her recovery, first in the hospital and then in a rehabilitation center, where she'd spent the last three weeks working on getting the strength back in her battered body. It had been hard and grueling. But, mostly it had been painful. More painful than she could've imagined. Pain relief helped, but the pain in her chest and in her ribcage was always a constant. A constant reminder of that day in the cemetery. A constant reminder of the lie that she was now living.

'_Stay with me, Kate. Stay with me. Please? I love you. I love you, Kate.'_

Those words reverberated through her pain-fogged brain like a broken record. But she'd lied to Castle when he'd come to visit her. She'd told him that she didn't remember anything from that day. She'd told him that the last thing she remembered was standing at the podium, giving the eulogy. But, the truth was she remembered every single second of that awful morning.

Jim Beckett kept darting glances at Kate as he drove out of the city to the small cabin that he used as a getaway in the Adirondacks. He'd had the cabin since Kate was small. They'd spent many summers out there as a family when Jo was alive. But since her mother's death, Jim had been the only one to go out there. Now he spent Christmases out there, where he didn't have to face the eternal cheerfulness of the city during the holidays. He'd been surprised when Kate had announced that she wanted to go out there for a while after her release from the hospital.

"_You're more than welcome to stay with me," he'd told her during one of his visits to the rehab center._

"_Dad, I was thinking," she looked at him. "I want to stay out at the cabin for a few weeks."_

"_Katie, do you think that's wise? You almost died. You're still recovering."_

"_I just want to leave the city. I could use the peace and quiet."_

"_I can stay with you—"_

"_You don't have to do that," she argued._

"_Nonsense. At least let me stay with you for the first week. I promise not to hover."_

Jim pulled into a rest stop as Kate looked at him. "I thought that you might want to stretch out a little. The seat belt must be uncomfortable," he said, noticing that she'd been holding it away from her chest.

"Yeah, I could use a little fresh air. Maybe get something to drink," she reached for her door handle, glaring at her father when he stopped her. "Dad, I'm not helpless!"

"Just hold on," he got out and walked around to her side of the car, assisting her out of the car as she took a deep, hissing breath of pain. "Do you need a pain pill?"

"Yeah," she admitted.

The doctor at the hospital had warned her not to ignore the pain. _"If you're in pain, take a pain pill. It doesn't mean that you're weak. Ignoring the pain will only make it that much more unbearable. I know that you're as tough as they come, but ignoring the pain isn't toughness."_

She hated the way that she moved. She moved like she was 90 years old. Standing upright sent shooting pains through her entire ribcage and chest. So for now walking slightly hunched over was the only way that she could move. She noticed a few people at the rest stop and felt like they were all watching her. "What do you want to drink?" Her father asked her.

"Root beer, if they have it in the machine," she winced. "Could you also get me some M&M's?"

"I can get you some M&M's," he smiled. "Do you need the restroom?"

"Yeah, but I think I can handle that on my own," she made a face as he walked her toward the restroom entrance. "I'll meet you out here in a few minutes."

Holding onto the wall, she gingerly made her way into the ladies restroom, hoping that the first stall was empty. Luck was on her side as she hobbled toward the stall, closed and bolted the door behind her. She slowly pulled her pants down and sat down on the toilet, sighing as she relieved herself. Her hands touched the bandage that still adorned her ribs. The still slowly healing incision where Josh had sliced her opened that day in the operating room when she was dying. He'd been forced to cut through skin and muscle, which was one reason she'd had to go to rehab. Raising her arms more than a third of the way was excruciatingly painful. It still hurt, but at least she could raise them further than she could before.

She stood up and pulled her clothes back up before flushing the toilet. Once again using the wall for balance she made her way to the sink to wash her hands. "Sweetie, are you all right?" A woman standing beside her asked. "Do you need some help?"

"I had an accident," Kate answered, not wanting to voice the truth. "I'm fine. My father is right outside waiting for me. Thank you."

Using the wall once again, Kate gingerly made her way out of the restroom and found her father waiting for her right outside the entrance. "Here's your root beer and M&M's," he handed her the items before offering her his arm. Once he got her settled in the car, he popped the top on the soda for her and ripped opened the bag.

"It's pretty pathetic when I can't even open a bag of candy," she sighed.

"You're going to be back to your old self before you know it. Please don't beat yourself up," he smiled before walking around to his side of the car. "Let me get you a pain pill and then we'll get back on the road."

It was another two hour drive to the cabin. When they arrived, Jim parked the car and got out, walking around to help Kate from the car. He offered his arm and helped her to the front deck and up the two steps leading up the deck to the front door. He unlocked the door and opened it before leading her into the small living room. "Let me go and get your things," he said after helping her to the sofa.

Kate looked around the living room after her father had stepped out. She hadn't been here since the summer before her mother's murder, but it looked exactly the same as if had the last time she'd seen it. The whole cabin was about 1000 square feet, but the design made it seem much larger. There were two bedrooms downstairs; the master bedroom and a guest room. Kate's old room was upstairs, but she knew that there was no way she could sleep up there until she regained her strength. She looked at the door when her father re-entered the house, stopping him when he started to go upstairs. "Dad, put my things in the guest room. I can't climb the stairs, yet, and I don't want you having to help me."

"Okay," he turned and walked into the guest room, coming out moments later. "Are you hungry?"

"No," she smiled at him. "I'm just really tired."

"Okay. Do you need some help?"

"No," she struggled to her feet and slowly made her way to the guest room. "Don't let me sleep too long. Otherwise I won't go to sleep tonight."

"You've got it," he kissed her on the forehead.

He watched Katie hobble into the bedroom and close the door behind her. He knew how happy she was to be out of the hospital, but he was worried about how much she was isolating herself. For a week after she was shot, she had fought just to live. He had had several long conversations with Josh, who had told him that they weren't even sure if she'd make a full recovery. She was scheduled to see a cardiologist in July, who would evaluate her condition. Until then, everything was wait and see.

In the guest room, Kate unpacked the few belongings that she'd brought with her. She fought not to cry out as she unbuttoned her shirt and slowly removed it and then went to work on her pants. She stared at her reflection in the mirror on the dresser. She had an angry red wound near her left breast. Her fingers shook when she touched it. She slowly reached down and removed the gauze from the wound under her ribcage. It was hideous looking. About six inches long and a bright red color. When she looked at the scars, she felt like Frankenstein's monster.

She struggled to pull an oversized t-shirt over her head before lying down on the bed, pulling one of the pillows to her abdomen to shield it in case she needed to cough. Exhaustion from the car trip took over and she quickly fell asleep.

She awoke in the middle of the night, her chest heaving and panic gripping every fiber of her being. Her entire body was covered in a thin layer of sweat. She sat up and reached for the bottle of pills at her bedside. Her hands were shaking as she opened the bottle and removed a small white pill, washing it down with a few swallows of tepid water. She then lay back on her pillows and pressed her fingers to the scar on her chest, wincing at the feel of the still extremely tender skin beneath her fingertips. It surprised her that the scar on her chest was so sensitive while the longer scar was numb to the touch.

The nightmare was the same one that she'd been having since the hospital. She'd been standing at the podium, giving her eulogy for her beloved captain. Suddenly she was lying on warm, soft grass, looking into Castle's deep blue eyes. But then Castle disappeared and Hal Lockwood took his place, a different, more sinister pair of blue eyes staring down at her. That was at the point when she always awoke, a scream trapped in her throat.

Feeling claustrophobic, she clambered to her feet and holding onto furniture and then the walls for support, she slowly made her way to the front door. Quietly turning the lock so as not to wake her father, she limped out onto the front deck and over to the swing. Carefully sitting, she slowly began rocking the swing back and forth, listening to the sounds of the night. Crickets, owls, and other creatures were heard scurrying about in the nearby woods. "Remember when you were a little girl and we'd let you sleep out here in your sleeping bag?" She turned to find her father standing in the doorway.

"Yeah, I can still smell the insect repellent that mom would cover me with," she smiled in remembrance.

"How's the pain?"

"Bad, but the dreams are worse. I keep seeing the man who killed Roy. He had the coldest eyes I've ever seen in my life."

"Maybe you should talk to somebody," Jim suggested.

"I'm going to have to anyway before I'm allowed to return to active duty."

"Castle's called me a few times. You should call him."

"I can't," she shook her head vehemently. "Not yet."

"He's hurting, Katie."

"Dad—"

"Katie, he cares about you. Probably more than you'll ever know. He blames himself for what happened that morning. Things got a little tense at the hospital after you were brought in between him and Josh."

"They're jealous of each other. Castle refers to Josh as 'Dr. Motorcycle Boy.' Josh makes snide comments about Castle. I feel like I'm in a tug of war between the two of them."

"You should go back inside and get some rest before the mosquitoes carry you away," he turned and went back into the cabin.

Kate continued to sit there, quietly rocking and thinking about what her father had just said. She knew that Castle cared about her. Yes, she knew exactly how much her partner cared about her. _'I love you. I love you, Kate.'_

_July_

_You showed me how, how to leave myself behind_

_How to turn down the noise in my mind_

_Now I haven't got time for the pain_

_Haven't got room for the pain_

_I haven't the need for the pain_

_Not since I've known you_

She was sitting on her huge boulder up above the rushing river; the only sounds those of nature and Coltrane playing in her ears. But her thoughts were of one person. The only person who had been inside of her head since long before the shooting. Richard Castle. Or, as Josh had referred to him the day that they'd broke up, 'Richard Fucking Castle.' Her fingers itched to pull out her cell phone and call him. But she hadn't spoken to him in over a month. What was she supposed to say to him now? Would he even want to talk to her?

The last month had been rough. Her father had offered to take more time off from work, but she'd insisted that he go back to the city. Now he came out to take her to her appointments and to bring supplies. Not that she needed supplies. As her father had told her during his last visit, she was barely eating enough to keep a bird alive.

So, here she was, sitting on her boulder, listening to Coltrane and thinking of Castle. Her throat constricted when she remembered that day in the cemetery. As clearly as if it was yesterday, she could still see those cobalt blue eyes staring down at her, begging her to stay with him. She felt herself getting lost in those eyes. She could still see those eyes when they sparkled with mirth, or shone with pride whenever he talked about Alexis. But mainly she thought of the pain in them when he thought that his partner was dying in his arms.

Her thoughts always came back to his whispered words from that morning. That he loved her. Was he saying that because he truly loved her or was it because he was scared that she was going to die? They had argued violently just hours before Montgomery had been killed. She'd told him that they were done, that she never wanted to see him again. Montgomery had agreed to get rid of him. But, suddenly there he was in that hangar, carrying her out mere moments before their captain was assassinated. He'd never told her just how he happened to be in that hangar. All she knew was that Roy had called him. Roy must've told him that she was in danger.

Thunder in the distance interrupted her musings. Removing the ear buds from her ears, she struggled to her feet. Walking was still painful, although she no longer had to hold onto objects for assistance. She remembered that first week in the cabin. It had taken her a good 20 minutes to walk from her room to the living room, although it was a distance of less than 300 feet. Now if she was careful, she could almost walk normally again as long as she didn't make any sudden moves. Sudden moves would send pains shooting through her whole body.

She walked into the cabin just as the rain started. She stood at the window watching the rain hitting the wood on the front deck. She jumped as a loud crack of thunder shook the cabin. She went into the kitchen and turned on the burner under the tea kettle. When she heard it whistle, she made herself a cup of hot chocolate and grabbed an umbrella before going out onto the deck to enjoy the storm. The rain at the cabin always remembered her of being a little girl and hunting for night crawlers with her father so that they could go fishing. _"The best time to hunt for worms is after it rains," _she could remember her dad telling her.

She sipped her chocolate in contemplative silence, wondering if Castle knew how to fish. Then she wondered why in the hell she was wondering something like that. She found herself missing all of her friends, but she missed her partner the most. Maybe it was time to think about going back to the city.

_September_

_I haven't got time for the pain (no pain)_

_I haven't got room for the pain (no pain)_

_I haven't the need for the pain_

_Sufferin' was the only thing made me feel I was alive_

_Thought that's just how much it cost to survive in this world_

_Till you showed me how, how to fill my heart with love_

_How to open up and drink in all that white light pouring down from the heavens_

_Haven't got time for the pain (no pain)_

_I haven't got room for the pain (no pain)_

_I haven't the need for the pain_

_Not since I've known you_

She was out of sorts, thinking that maybe this wasn't the best idea. She hadn't seen him in more than three months, not since that day in her hospital room. Since that day when she told him that she'd call him. She'd learned that he was signing copies of his newest book 'Heat Rises' at a bookstore in Manhattan, not far from the precinct.

She walked up to the display and removed a copy of the book, opening it to the dedication, her eyes misting when she read it. There was a huge line waiting to get their books signed. She took her place at the end of the line and held her breath as it slowly inched forward. Now that she could see him, she wondered what she was going to say to him. The closer she got to the front of the line, the more she could see how different he looked. Harder somehow. Almost angry. Taking a deep breath, she placed her book down in front of him. "Who should I make this out to?" He asked, by rote, having said the same words so many times before, to so many strangers. He didn't even look up anymore; he just automatically repeated the words.

"Kate," she said in a voice that sounded much bolder than she felt. "You can make it out to Kate."

She could see the anger in his eyes when he looked up at her. She knew that she would do anything to take that hurt and anger away. Without saying a word, he signed the book and shoved it back toward her, making it clear that he had nothing to say to her.

She waited outside of the bookstore until the signing was over; approaching him again after he'd thanked the stragglers outside of the store. "Castle, wait!" She followed behind him.

"I did. For three months. You never called," he continued walking down the street.

"Look, I understand that you're angry—"

"Oh, you're damn right that I'm angry," he whirled around to confront her. "I watched you die in that ambulance. Did you know that? Do you know what that's like? To watch the life drain out of someone . . . someone that you care about?"

"I told you that I needed some time."

"You said a few days."

"Well, I needed more."

"Well, you should've said that."

"Castle, look! I couldn't call you! Without dragging myself into everything that I was just trying to get some space from. I needed some time to just work through everything."

"Josh helping you with that?" He asked bitterly.

"We broke up," she turned and walked across the street to a playground.

She took a seat on one of the swings and stared into the distance. She couldn't blame him for being angry. But being away from him hadn't been easy for her either. A thousand times she'd wanted to call him. She'd wondered what it would feel like to be held in his arms on those nights when the nightmares wouldn't let her sleep. On those days when she heard noises in every snap of a twig. Those were the times when she missed him the most. She knew that he would've had a joke or a twisted theory for all of those noises that she knew was only in her mind.

She looked up when she saw him walking across the playground before he took the swing next to hers. They made small talk over the book for a while, and then they talked about her case. "I need my partner back," she told him.

"Have you met the new captain?" He asked.

"Yeah, I've met her. She won't let me have my gun until I re-qualify."

"Well, let's get your gun back and then we'll get me back into the precinct," he smiled at her for the first time since their reunion.

"I have a feeling that getting my gun back is going to be a cakewalk compared to getting you back into the precinct."

"You've seen how charming I can be," he grinned at her as she rolled her eyes.

"Yeah Castle, your charm has always worked on me," she stood up, wincing as she did so.

"Is it bad?"

"It's better than it was. Come on, you owe me a summer's worth of coffees. But, right now, I'll settle for one," she starting walking out of the park, turning to look at him. "Are you coming, Castle?"

_I haven't got time for the pain_

_I haven't got the room nor the need for the pain_

_No, I haven't got time for the pain_

Watching him get off of his swing and follow her, she knew that they'd get back what they'd once had. She hoped that she'd get the courage to tell him that she remembered everything from that morning. She longed to tell him that she loved him, too. She loved him more than he'd ever know.

**A/N #4: Castle's POV is going to be considerably different than Kate's. I'm also going to answer the question of what Roy said to him that night on the phone.**

**I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960.**


	16. Chapter 16--Hurting and Healing

**Disclaimers: I don't own anything except several seasons of many other series EXCEPT for 'Castle.'**

**Summary: A continuation of the previous chapter from Castle's POV. **

**A/N #1: The song in this chapter is 'I Know You're Out There Somewhere' by The Moody Blues. This song is in my list of Top 10 favorite songs of all time. I'm a fan of The Moody Blues, but my favorite songs are the ones that charted in the 80's. When I listened to the lyrics, I realized how perfectly this song fits Beckett. Contains spoilers from 4x01 'Rise.'**

Chapter 16: Hurting and Healing

_May 2011_

"_Castle, I'm really tired," Kate sounded defeated._

"_Of course," Castle was instantly apologetic as he got to his feet and began walking toward the door. "I'll talk to you tomorrow."_

"_Do you mind if we don't? I just need some time."_

"_How much time?"_

"_I'll call you."_

_I know you're out there somewhere_

_Somewhere, somewhere_

_I know I'd find you somehow_

_And somehow I'd return again to you_

_The mist is lifting slowly_

_I can see it way ahead_

_And I've left behind the empty streets that once inspired my life_

_And the strength of the emotion_

_Is like thunder in the air_

'_Cause the promise that we made each other haunts me to the end_

Her last words reverberated in his ears a week after he'd last seen her. He waited everyday for her to call him, only to hear nothing. Castle spoke to Jim Beckett every other day. Jim kept him apprised of Kate's condition, but he informed Castle that right now Katie didn't want to communicate with anybody. She just wanted to focus on her recovery.

The hunt for her shooter had turned up one dead end after another. There were rumors that the new captain was taking over. For the past week, there had been an interim captain who had allowed Castle to stay. Espo and Ryan had already warned him that the new captain wasn't going to be like Montgomery. "So, do you know who the new captain is?" He asked.

"Her name is Gates," Espo told him. "She's transferring from IAD. I've never personally met her, but I've heard that she's a real hard-ass."

"Do you think she'll let us keep investigating Beckett's shooting?" Ryan wondered out loud.

"Maybe for a little while, but we get too many fresh homicides. Eventually, she'll force us to back off," Espo answered.

"Can we still work it in our spare time?" Castle asked.

"We have to, bro. We owe that much to Beckett. We have to find out who's behind this."

The three men were huddled around Ryan's desk, looking at files on the computer when they heard the elevator bell ring. They looked over their heads as a well-dressed woman in her late 40's/early 50's stepped off of the elevator. She walked toward them with a purpose in her step, stopping in the middle of the room. "People, may I have your attention? I'm Capt. Victoria Gates and I'm the new captain. Over the course of the next several days, I will be taking the time to meet each one of you individually. If you work with me, I will work with you." She then walked over, stopping in front of the desk where the two detectives and Castle were still huddled. "Are you detectives Ryan and Esposito?"

"We are, ma'am," Ryan answered, motioning to himself and Esposito.

"Let's talk in my office," she walked over to Montgomery's former office and unlocked the door. "Please don't call me ma'am," she instructed them. "You can call me Captain or sir. Where are you on Det. Beckett's attempted assassination?"

"We found the gun and we were able to obtain prints, but they're not a match to anybody in the system. Eyewitnesses noticed a groundskeeper leaving the scene right after the shooting, but we haven't been able to locate him," Ryan told her.

"Well, until more evidence happens to come in, you're going to need to focus on your other cases."

"Ma'am—" Espo started to say until she glared at him. "Excuse me, sir. But Beckett is one of us."

"I'm well aware of that, detective. And as one of us, I'd like to think that she'd tell the two of you the same thing that I'm telling you. Move onto your other cases unless we get new evidence on her shooter. When you gentlemen leave, please ask your friend out there," she motioned toward where Castle was still sitting, "to come in here. That'll be all."

"Castle, she wants to see you," Espo announced when he and Ryan stepped out of the office.

Castle got up and slowly made his way to the office, closing the door behind him. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes, I did," she looked across her desk at him. "I've heard quite a lot about you. I understand that the mayor is a fan and so has allowed you to play cop for the past four years. Well, Mr. Castle, I'm _not _a fan. I don't have room in my precinct for a dilettante writer playing cop. So, your services are no longer required or needed. I expect you to leave immediately or I will have you escorted out. That'll be all, Mr. Castle," she went back to her paperwork.

Unable to come up with anything to say, Castle turned and left the office. He walked over to Beckett's desk and grabbed his light jacket. "Where are you going, bro?" Esposito asked.

"I've been kicked to the curb," Castle began walking toward the elevator.

"Wait! Gates kicked you out?" Ryan and Espo followed the writer to the elevator.

"Yeah, she said that there's no room in her precinct for a dilettante writer playing cop. That was a direct quote. However, she didn't say anything about me working Beckett's case from home," he told them when the elevator doors opened. "I'll let you know if I come up with anything."

_I know you're out there somewhere_

_Somewhere, Somewhere_

_I know you're out there somewhere_

_Somewhere you can hear my voice_

_I know I'll find you somehow_

_Somehow, somehow_

_I know I'll find you somehow_

_And somehow I'll return again to you_

_The secret of your beauty_

_And the mystery of your soul_

_I've been searchin' for in everyone I meet_

_And the times I've been mistaken_

_It's impossible to say_

_And the grass is growing underneath our feet_

Before going back to the loft, Castle decided to try one more time to see Beckett. Half an hour later, he stepped out onto the floor where he knew her room was and was about to ask for her room number when he saw a familiar figure striding toward him. "What're you doing here, Castle?" Dr. Josh Davidson stopped beside him at the information desk.

"I came by to see Beckett."

"Kate isn't seeing anybody. Don't you think you've hurt her enough?"

"I'm just asking to see her for a few minutes, Josh," Castle said in a tight voice.

"And I'm telling you that she doesn't want to see anybody. She's still fighting for her life, Castle. The last thing that she needs right now is for you to upset her by asking her what she remembers from that day. Now, why don't you go home and play with Nikki Heat or whatever it is that you do when you're not shadowing _my_ girlfriend?"

Not wanting to cause a scene, Castle turned and walked back toward the elevator. Stepping onto the elevator, he stood against the back wall and thought about what Josh had just said. Jim Beckett had told him that while Kate's condition was still critical, she was gradually improving. Now Josh was telling him that she was still fighting for her life. Of course, Josh also didn't want him anywhere near Kate because he was jealous.

When he walked into the loft, Martha was getting ready to leave. "Hello, kiddo. You're home early."

"Yeah, the new captain kicked me out. It seems that I'm not a cop," he said sarcastically.

"Well, we told you that a long time ago."

"I tried to go and see Kate, but Josh wouldn't let me anywhere near her," he looked dejected.

"Have you tried calling her?"

"Yeah, it goes to voicemail. I'm not sure they've given her phone back to her, yet. I'll try again when she gets out of the hospital."

"So, what're you going to do now that you've been relegated back to 'author' status?"

"I'm going to keep working Beckett's case from home. I told the boys that I'd keep them updated and they'll do the same if they find anything."

Martha knew how much her son missed his partner. She also knew how much he loved her. He told her about how he'd told Kate that he loved her as she lay bleeding on the grass after her shooting. He'd been waiting impatiently for over a week for her to call him. The days without any word were hurting him deeply. "Do you know when she's going to be released from the hospital?"

"Jim said that she's not being released to go home. They want her to go to rehab for a few weeks. Apparently, she has some strength problems in her arms and upper body. Jim said that she can't return to work until she has most of her strength back."

"I'm sure that she's going to have a lot of issues to work through. After all, she literally died twice. That would be a lot for anybody to come to terms with."

_July_

_I know you're out there somewhere_

_Somewhere, Somewhere_

_I know you're out there somewhere_

_Somewhere you can hear my voice_

_I know I'll find you somehow_

_Somehow, somehow_

_I know I'll find you somehow_

_And somehow I'll return again to you_

_You see, I know you're out there somewhere_

_Oh yes, I know you're out there somewhere_

_You see, I know I'll find you somehow_

_Oh yes, I know I'll find you somehow_

_The words that I remember_

_From my childhood still are true_

_That there's none so blind as those who will not see_

_And to those who lack the courage;_

_Who say it's dangerous to try_

_Well, they just don't know that love eternal will not be denied_

The sound of the rain was what woke him up. He sat up with lightning flashing through his opened blinds and thunder rumbling in the distance. As usual upon waking, he found himself wondering where Kate was and if she was okay. He'd last talked to Jim Beckett two weeks before. All Jim would tell him was that Kate had left the rehab center and was now at his cabin in the mountains. Castle wondered why she was there instead of returning to her apartment in the city.

Most of all, he wondered why she was avoiding him. Why she was avoiding all of them. She hadn't contacted the boys, or even Lanie, since right after the shooting. He hadn't talked to the boys in almost a month. None of them had made any inroads on her shooting, and the boys had other cases that they were working. So, that left just Castle with his thoughts. 'Heat Rises' was due out at the end of the summer, and he knew that he'd have a book tour coming up before the end of the year to promote the book. So, at least he'd have other stuff to think of besides Kate.

_September_

He'd been so angry when Kate had first shown up at his book signing. He hadn't heard a peep from her all summer and then she just shows up out of nowhere. But, he as listened to Kate, he could hear how hurt she was, how alone when she told him that she'd broke up with Josh. So, now he was following her to a nearby Starbucks, where he bought them both coffees. He walked over to the table and handed her usual order to her. "One Grande Skim Latte with two pumps of sugar free vanilla for the lady," he gave the cup to her with a huge smile before taking his seat across from her. "I got updates from your father on how you were doing."

"Yeah, he told me that he talked to you. Castle, I'm sorry. I just didn't want any of you to see me like I was after the shooting. It took me weeks before I could walk upright. I still have problems sometimes with movement."

"We weren't going to judge you, Kate. We would've supported you, just like we always have. You don't look like you've eaten in weeks."

"I haven't had much of an appetite. I still dream about that night in the hangar. I miss him, Castle. I don't understand why he did what he did."

"Roy sacrificed himself to save you, Kate."

"I know that. Why were you there?"

"He called me. He'd told me earlier that I was the only person who could stop you. He called me and said that he needed me to meet him at the hangar. He didn't tell me why over the phone. When I got there, he told me that he'd lured Lockwood and his men there to keep them from killing you. I don't know what kind of a deal he made. He never did tell me that part."

"My nightmares alternate between that night in the hangar and that morning in the cemetery."

"So, you still don't remember anything?"

"No," she shook her head. "I wish that I did."

"Like you said that day in the hospital, maybe its better that you don't remember. It doesn't have to constantly be in your head like it is in mine. You look like you could use a good meal," he smiled at her.

"Castle, you don't have to coddle me," she protested.

"I was thinking burgers and strawberry shakes at Remy's," he said, seeing her eyes light up. He knew that Kate's weakness were the shakes at Remy's.

"Okay, you sold me," she smiled back, the first true smile he'd seen from her in months.

_May 7/8, 2012_

_I know you're out there somewhere_

_Somewhere, Somewhere_

_I know you're out there somewhere_

_Somewhere you can hear my voice_

_I know I'll find you somehow_

_Somehow, somehow_

_I know I'll find you somehow_

_And somehow I'll return again to you_

_Yes, I know it's gonna happen (know it's gonna happen)_

_I can feel you getting near (feel you getting near)_

_And seem to be returning to the fountain of our youth_

_And if you wake up wondering (if you wake up wondering)_

_In the darkness I'll be there (You know I'll be there)_

_My arms will close around you and protect you with the truth_

_I know you're out there somewhere_

_Somewhere, Somewhere_

_I know you're out there somewhere_

_Somewhere you can hear my voice_

_I know I'll find you somehow_

_Somehow, somehow_

_I know I'll find you somehow_

_And somehow I'll return again to you_

Castle's mouth found Kate's, drinking from it as his fingers tangled in her long curls. He couldn't believe that he was kissing her; really kissing her. It wasn't some undercover ploy to rescue someone. She was in his bed, in his arms, her naked flesh pressed against his, her tongue sweetly dancing with his. He'd seen the dark bruises on her flesh, and knew that a battle had taken place earlier. But she'd made it clear that she wasn't ready to talk about it. Instead she had ended up in his bed, in his arms. Which was where he'd wanted her to be for as long as he could remember.

He delighted in the feel of her fingers ghosting over him, learning him as he was learning her. Their first time together had been frantic and passionate. But their second time together felt like time had slowed down. Fingers had skimmed over bare flesh, lips had touched and tasted, bodies had joined together in breathless ecstasy. Now, in the afterglow, they continued softly kissing and touching, not wanting to let go of one another.

"I'm so glad that you're here, Kate," he whispered, kissing her tenderly before gently cradling her into the warmth of his body.

"I'm glad that I'm here too, Castle," she whispered, curling into him as lightning flashed and thunder boomed in the distance.

"Sleep, and we'll talk in the morning," he whispered, feeling her relax against him, her breath warm against his bare chest.

**I can be found on Twitter Caskett1960.**


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